My roommate slept with a really annoying girl the other day. Hot, yes. Annoying as hell, YES! While I am all for him getting it in, I really don't want this person involved in my life and so, in an effort to provide him with a smorgasbord of options, I signed him up for Tinder. (Not sure if I get enough readers to work out some sort of sponsorship thing, but GET @ ME TINDER)
Of course I HAD to sign myself up too. And our other friend/coworker. (Hilarity ensued when my roommate and I "swiped right" on each other) If you don't know how Tinder works, it's basically a GPS for your lady/gentleman parts. Your genitalia emits a homing beacon of sorts to the willing genitals of people within a 100 mile radius. You are then showed a photo of this person and you can swipe right for yes or left for no. Before deciding you can click on their picture to see the rest of their profile (up to FIVE extra pictures AND a blurb!) to make sure their default photo hasn't been airbrushed beyond all recognition. If you actually care that much.
Now I have access to both my and my roommates Tinder, thus I can offer wisdom to ladies for their own profiles as I've scrolled through a few, but also on how to avoid mega creepers. (Unless of course that's what you are looking for)
For myself, any sort of opportunity to put myself out there completely via photos is pretty terrible, as I am very unphotogenic. Like really bad. Every time. My default picture is one of me where I yes, look halfway decent, but more importantly have a Pats jersey on. That way Broncos fans know they need not apply. I also like to think I am pretty hysterical (as hopefully you do too, since you are reading my blog) so I wanted to showcase my humorous side. So naturally I added a picture of myself kissing a stuffed shark. And also one of me riding a camel.
(In case you thought I was kidding)
I know there are so many sexy ladies out there who want to showcase that side of yourself, but really that's terribly uninteresting. Yes, granted, Tinder is basically a sex seeking website, but if you set yourself out there that way then that is DEFINITELY all you are going to find. Also, I recently read a study saying excessive selfies are linked to mental disorders. SOOO, you know, there's that. But seriously. I know the original default picture is how you lure them in, but once they're in, what's going to keep them there? (Unless you are just looking for a shameless hookup, in which case, you do you girl) In this day and age, so many ladies feel the need to keep up with celebrities and unrealistic expectations. Stop airbrushing your photos gals. I think he will notice your DD cup disappeared when he shows up, so isn't it better to get someone who wants you for you? I know everyone wants to put their best self forward but make sure it is YOUR best self and not the best you created in PhotoShop.
And remember, for all the falseness you are putting out there, it is being sent back to you tenfold. I must admit I find it terribly creepy when people tell me how "sexy" I am. I mean even in real life but via online dating as an opening line? FOR SURE CREEPSHOW. If you aren't looking to build any sort of meaningful connection that's okay, but unless you want a brand new connection with your GP as they are writing you a prescription for STI antibiotics, I would steer clear of the interweb Hugh Hefners. If his severely character limited blurb has a reference to "having fun", he's just looking for sex. If it references his being clean or his preference for wearing condoms, those are probably lies. I mean I don't feel the need to share my HIV free status with the world at all times. But honestly, please be smart when you are meeting people online. If a guy asks you about work, feel free to tell him but maybe give a general response ie. "I'm a nurse" instead of "Overnight nurse at Morton Hospital". Don't give anyone your home address and offer to meet up somewhere in public the first time, don't have them pick you up. (Caveat to this, I did once meet a guy online and he picked me up from work our first time going out and while he did not serial kill me, it still kinda imploded, so do what I say, not what I do). In today's society everyone puts their business online, but let me just take this minute to remind you of the Craigslist killer. So you know, swipe left for him.
And in case you were wondering what kind of gentleman will get a right swipe from me here are a few guidelines.
-Any guy with a cat in his pictures. Recently I clicked "yes" for a guy walking a kitten on a leash and also on a guy hugging (possibly hunting??) a mountain lion. Big or small, cats definitely scream antisocial with possible access to firearms and I am all over that.
-If you are posing with a fish. I mean goldfish no, but some sort of rugged Paul Bunyan type who reached into the frigid stream waters and extracted my dinner with his bare hands all while posing for a selfie? Yes. Just YES!!
-Anyone who opens with a comment about my shark makeout or camel ride. Glad to see we are on the same page.
-Funny shared interests. Tinder links to your profile and thus meshes your "shared interests" with your potential partners. I live in the wilderness so yes, yes I'm sure we both like hiking and camping. Yawn. However you know you are in Utah when multiple of your matches share your interest in "Mitt Romney".
And while those are the way to my heart, here's the complete opposite side of the coin. Gentleman. Please stop asking me to cuddle/snuggle. It just makes you sound like that creepy pedo uncle. You think it's a cute and charming smokescreen to hooking. It's not. So Chester, stop trying to get me into your van for some free candy and a cuddle...
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