When you are the only female out with six or more guys out drinking, don't wear a sheer shirt.
That is all.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Over the Shoulder Boulder Holders
Crew laundry is the bane of my existence. Once, I came back to find someone had taken all of my laundry out of the dryer and put it in a basket. Nice right? Except for the fact that all of my underwear had magically made its way to the top of the pile. Which really creeped me out. Ever since then I handwash all of my underwear and bras in my sink. (According to the girls at VS, you are supposed to hand wash your bras anyway...) Due to my living under the ocean with intense amounts of humidity and the sheer volume of fabric needed to adequately cover my chest, it takes quite some time for my bras to air dry. And because of sketchy sink water, they turn an odd color fairly quickly. So I have to buy new bras quite often. Recently I walked into Victoria's Secret and walked out one hundred and sixty dollars cheaper and only three bras richer. But for me, spending that much every few months is worth it.
Bras are my pet peeve. Not my own. But other women's. They are one of those things that I always immediately notice. (Weird? Yes I know. Some people are crazy about hair or fashion, for me, brassieres.) There are a few breast region faux paus that drive me up a wall.
The biggest one is the incorrect bra for what kind of top you are wearing. If you are wearing a racer back top, a standard bra will stick out. Ditto if you try to pull off a regular bra with an asymmetrical top. There are so many gadgets now a days that would solve these tacky problems. Invest in a good multi way bra. These are bras that are convertible. They can criss cross, become strapless and so much more. Tuck your straps in. Its just a classier look.
Once upon a time, someone thought clear plastic bra straps were a good solution to the strapless bra problem. THEY WERE NOT. If you are wearing plastic bra straps, they are not invisible. We can all SEE them! And it's just tacky folks. Don't do it. I have size DDD breasts. If I can find a strapless bra that works for me, so can you. (Okay yes, it comes with four hooks. Sexy it is not, but useful it is.) They may cost a little more than a ten dollar plastic strap bra, but you cannot put a price on pride in your appearance.
My last quirk strikes a little close to home. For years, I refused to accept that my boobs had gotten bigger and continued to stuff them into a C bra. While this did offer me a lovely cleavage, it caused a whole lot of double boob. Girls, I know bras are expensive and I know sometimes we don't want to admit our boons have gotten bigger or we've gained weight. But suck it up and stop stuffing your breasts into too tight bras.
Recently I read an article about whether or not bras are actually good for your boobs. And it turns out, it doesn't matter if you wear one or not. But for all of our sakes, wear one anyway. No one wants to see your nip slip or boobies hanging to your knees.
Bras are my pet peeve. Not my own. But other women's. They are one of those things that I always immediately notice. (Weird? Yes I know. Some people are crazy about hair or fashion, for me, brassieres.) There are a few breast region faux paus that drive me up a wall.
The biggest one is the incorrect bra for what kind of top you are wearing. If you are wearing a racer back top, a standard bra will stick out. Ditto if you try to pull off a regular bra with an asymmetrical top. There are so many gadgets now a days that would solve these tacky problems. Invest in a good multi way bra. These are bras that are convertible. They can criss cross, become strapless and so much more. Tuck your straps in. Its just a classier look.
Once upon a time, someone thought clear plastic bra straps were a good solution to the strapless bra problem. THEY WERE NOT. If you are wearing plastic bra straps, they are not invisible. We can all SEE them! And it's just tacky folks. Don't do it. I have size DDD breasts. If I can find a strapless bra that works for me, so can you. (Okay yes, it comes with four hooks. Sexy it is not, but useful it is.) They may cost a little more than a ten dollar plastic strap bra, but you cannot put a price on pride in your appearance.
My last quirk strikes a little close to home. For years, I refused to accept that my boobs had gotten bigger and continued to stuff them into a C bra. While this did offer me a lovely cleavage, it caused a whole lot of double boob. Girls, I know bras are expensive and I know sometimes we don't want to admit our boons have gotten bigger or we've gained weight. But suck it up and stop stuffing your breasts into too tight bras.
Recently I read an article about whether or not bras are actually good for your boobs. And it turns out, it doesn't matter if you wear one or not. But for all of our sakes, wear one anyway. No one wants to see your nip slip or boobies hanging to your knees.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Strippers
A good man friend of mine is getting married soon. Another friend of mine is in the wedding party. He is quite upset that the bride to be has banned strippers from the bachelor party. As has the best man's girlfriend. And "quite upset" is putting it mildly. And believe it or not, I agree for several reasons.
First of all, when I get married, there had better be a Channing Tatum-in-Magic-Mike exotic dancer wannabe thrusting his oiled self all in my business to some trashy nineties song. (Please make note and make this happen best friends. Don't forget in the next thirty years it takes me to find a man) That's right. I said it. I want a stripper. Strippers are HILARIOUS. Bonus points if my friend can find me a midget stripper a la Tucker Max or Chelsea Handler. Because that would be even funnier. Strippers, ladies, are entertainment! Yes there is a whole legion of men who haunt strip clubs and creepishly envision themselves with the dancers. But more than likely (and I hope) you are not marrying one of the those men. So stop being so jealous and let your man have some fun. Chances are your fellow is going to be more embarrassed or shy than anything else. And if you're really worried (well then you shouldn't be marrying someone you don't trust, but that is a topic for another blog post) then send along a brother or stern older cousin to keep an eye for you.
My other viewpoint on it is this. When you are telling someone they are not allowed to do something, that implies they need your permission. Girls, there is a HUGE difference between being a wife and a mother. Your boyfriend/fiance/eff buddy that you desperately want to be something more/whatever DOES NOT NEED TO ASK YOUR PERMISSION. You are more than welcome to express your opinion and if it differs from his, sit down and discuss it. Maybe you are not comfortable with strippers and he doesn't really want to spend the extra three grand so all your lame cousins can have plus ones. COMPROMISE folks! Banning things from your boy usually ends in two ways. Imagine you really want to buy some beautiful accessory of your choice (I myself am a shoe gal), with your own money and your beau tells you no way. He doesn't allow it. Of course your back is going to go up. If this happens over and over again, eventually you are going to get resentful. Resentful people do not make for happy relationships. Or, due to extreme peer pressure and ribbing from his friends, he may decide to sneak the strippers behind your back. And if he already has to lie about having them, then what's another lie about kissing them? Or about any other thing he has to sneak down the line?
Remember, you are not their mothers. Once in a while, they may do something you do not like. Discus it like rational adults and give in sometimes. You can't always win. A relationship is about give and take not rules and saying no.
So ladies, if your men want to get dirty stripper sweat all over them, give them some singles and say have at it! Just make sure they get vaccines after.
First of all, when I get married, there had better be a Channing Tatum-in-Magic-Mike exotic dancer wannabe thrusting his oiled self all in my business to some trashy nineties song. (Please make note and make this happen best friends. Don't forget in the next thirty years it takes me to find a man) That's right. I said it. I want a stripper. Strippers are HILARIOUS. Bonus points if my friend can find me a midget stripper a la Tucker Max or Chelsea Handler. Because that would be even funnier. Strippers, ladies, are entertainment! Yes there is a whole legion of men who haunt strip clubs and creepishly envision themselves with the dancers. But more than likely (and I hope) you are not marrying one of the those men. So stop being so jealous and let your man have some fun. Chances are your fellow is going to be more embarrassed or shy than anything else. And if you're really worried (well then you shouldn't be marrying someone you don't trust, but that is a topic for another blog post) then send along a brother or stern older cousin to keep an eye for you.
My other viewpoint on it is this. When you are telling someone they are not allowed to do something, that implies they need your permission. Girls, there is a HUGE difference between being a wife and a mother. Your boyfriend/fiance/eff buddy that you desperately want to be something more/whatever DOES NOT NEED TO ASK YOUR PERMISSION. You are more than welcome to express your opinion and if it differs from his, sit down and discuss it. Maybe you are not comfortable with strippers and he doesn't really want to spend the extra three grand so all your lame cousins can have plus ones. COMPROMISE folks! Banning things from your boy usually ends in two ways. Imagine you really want to buy some beautiful accessory of your choice (I myself am a shoe gal), with your own money and your beau tells you no way. He doesn't allow it. Of course your back is going to go up. If this happens over and over again, eventually you are going to get resentful. Resentful people do not make for happy relationships. Or, due to extreme peer pressure and ribbing from his friends, he may decide to sneak the strippers behind your back. And if he already has to lie about having them, then what's another lie about kissing them? Or about any other thing he has to sneak down the line?
Remember, you are not their mothers. Once in a while, they may do something you do not like. Discus it like rational adults and give in sometimes. You can't always win. A relationship is about give and take not rules and saying no.
So ladies, if your men want to get dirty stripper sweat all over them, give them some singles and say have at it! Just make sure they get vaccines after.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Taylor Swift
The above photo is proof of my craziness. And committing this story to internet fame means I will probably never get another date again. But that is just how much I love all of you.
When Taylor Swift breaks up with a guy, she writes a song about it. It may seem a little wacky but it helps her move on. And moving on is very important. So for once, I will endorse insane woman behavior and encourage post breakup psychopathia. Now I am not saying because a crazed hermit her spends all of her time Facebook stalking (or real life stalking) her ex, but some happy middle ground between Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" will do you good.
My ex boyfriend was a douche. I know most women will say this, but mine actually really was. A lot of men in my life I can say are good people, they are just not right for me. This guy is actual scum of the earth. One night after a particularly irksome email, I hurled his watch against the floor. And the back popped off. And it felt GOOD. Granted reality set in and so did the notorious Catholic guilt. I was going to buy him a new watch. But when I brought it with me on vacation to meet up with him, the reunion did not go as planned. He was cheating on me. While I was there. We were together for one week out of six months and he couldn't keep it in his pants for that one week. When I realized what was going on, I was immediately consumed with the rage that only a true Irish-Italian Bostonian can feel. This time merely throwing his watch was not enough. I smacked it against the table and when that proved ineffective against quality craftsmanship my friend stuck it under the leg of the bed and then jumped on the bed. And man, did it feel good. (As did sticking all of the pieces in an envelope and giving them back to him later)
For my male readers out there, you are probably now horrified at this stage. (Just like eating your feelings, men will never get it) But I am a firm believer in a good emotional catharsis. So however you choose to move on be it destruction of goods, burning of all of his photos (not that I have done that too), or just blasting Taylor Swift revenge music and crying into your ice cream (okay, okay I am guilty of all three) do something to help yourself move on. It is so much healthy to have a brief burst of crazy than to dwell for months. And for goodness sake, change out of your pajamas and stop stalking him on Facebook. In fact, unfriend him right now. Then maybe buy a Zippo, just in case.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Giving AND Receiving
Despite being a heinous bitch, I am oddly compassionate. If someone seems to be in a bad mood, I try to cheer them up. If someone is hungry, I whip them up an elaborate meal. And if someone is a shitty friend, I put in so much effort to improve our friendship. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that.
This past winter I found myself in a situation with few friends. (See aforementioned heinous bitch comment) Most of my coworkers were older than me and none of them were native English speakers. Many of my jokes are highly sarcastic and if English isn't your first language they tend to fall flat. It made for a rough few months. There was one person at work who was around my age and being from England, got all of my sarcasm. But this person was a flake. No matter how amazing I was, he was always hesitant to make plans, citing that he "doesn't do that" even though I would overhear him plan making with other people. I found myself in the situation where I was often (about 93% of the time haha) the one calling him or seeking him out. This would seem like a desperate for love type ploy, except that it was strictly platonic and I was just desperate for a friend. I did meet other people, but foolish me, I was consumed with the need to make this person a good friend and missed out on other amazing friendship opportunities. And all this got me was snorkelling alone on my birthday. Lesson learned.
Sadly this wasn't my first foray into the unfair world of give and take. Right before that I had been in a long distance relationship. Humbly, I will say that I was an awesome LDR girlfriend. I sent cards and gifts, was available for Skype pretty much all the time and would never call my boyfriend out on his bullshit, because I was convinced that since we only got a little time together over webchat, I didn't want to waste it fighting. Yeah, I was THAT GIRL. And in this end, this one came back to bite me in the ass as well. In the form of rampant unfaithfulness.
If you are giving 90%, then that person only needs to give ten, not another ninety. There is no need for them to waste their time when you are so clearly already available to them. Why exude energy being a good friend/boyfriend/whatever when it takes so much less effort to be sucky and you keep coming back for more anyway?
If someone sucks in a relationship, it is THEIR fault, not YOURS. Do not fall prey to feeling like you are not enough for them. They are the ones lacking. If someone truly values you, they should want to make you happy not drag you down. So if you find yourself the victim of an emotional parasite, RUN AWAY. You are so much better than that, even if you are sort of a douche, like me. There will always be someone out there who loves you anyway. (I am not even going to mention monetary parasite, assuming all of my readers are smart enough to keep themselves out of that situation) Do not let anyone drain you of your happiness, because in the end its not going to make them better, it is just going to make you worse.
Though I will end with, someone needs to inform my siblings of the give and take standard, otherwise I am totally going to stop buying them gifts.
This past winter I found myself in a situation with few friends. (See aforementioned heinous bitch comment) Most of my coworkers were older than me and none of them were native English speakers. Many of my jokes are highly sarcastic and if English isn't your first language they tend to fall flat. It made for a rough few months. There was one person at work who was around my age and being from England, got all of my sarcasm. But this person was a flake. No matter how amazing I was, he was always hesitant to make plans, citing that he "doesn't do that" even though I would overhear him plan making with other people. I found myself in the situation where I was often (about 93% of the time haha) the one calling him or seeking him out. This would seem like a desperate for love type ploy, except that it was strictly platonic and I was just desperate for a friend. I did meet other people, but foolish me, I was consumed with the need to make this person a good friend and missed out on other amazing friendship opportunities. And all this got me was snorkelling alone on my birthday. Lesson learned.
Sadly this wasn't my first foray into the unfair world of give and take. Right before that I had been in a long distance relationship. Humbly, I will say that I was an awesome LDR girlfriend. I sent cards and gifts, was available for Skype pretty much all the time and would never call my boyfriend out on his bullshit, because I was convinced that since we only got a little time together over webchat, I didn't want to waste it fighting. Yeah, I was THAT GIRL. And in this end, this one came back to bite me in the ass as well. In the form of rampant unfaithfulness.
If you are giving 90%, then that person only needs to give ten, not another ninety. There is no need for them to waste their time when you are so clearly already available to them. Why exude energy being a good friend/boyfriend/whatever when it takes so much less effort to be sucky and you keep coming back for more anyway?
If someone sucks in a relationship, it is THEIR fault, not YOURS. Do not fall prey to feeling like you are not enough for them. They are the ones lacking. If someone truly values you, they should want to make you happy not drag you down. So if you find yourself the victim of an emotional parasite, RUN AWAY. You are so much better than that, even if you are sort of a douche, like me. There will always be someone out there who loves you anyway. (I am not even going to mention monetary parasite, assuming all of my readers are smart enough to keep themselves out of that situation) Do not let anyone drain you of your happiness, because in the end its not going to make them better, it is just going to make you worse.
Though I will end with, someone needs to inform my siblings of the give and take standard, otherwise I am totally going to stop buying them gifts.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Shit I Wish Guys Knew
I know, I know. This blog is supposed to be about the deranged things women do. And trust me, there are a lot of things I can write about. In the past six months or so I have seen a wide variety of crazy lady behavior. And don't worry, those stories are coming...
Today's post was inspired by my foray into foreign dating. South American men, for example, will have no problem putting you out there. I know a guy who calls his wife "mi gorda". Is she a little chubby? Yes. Would I kill my husband for calling me "my fat girl"? HELL YES. But lest you think this happens with just foreign men, think back to any sort of "I cannot believe he just said that" moment you have had. Seriously men, what the hell were you thinking?
So I have started us off, with a few that have been tossed out to me lately. Feel free to add your own!
1. "You have such BIG LEGS"
Yes this has been said to me. This has been said to me more than once, by more than one man. Do I have legs that tend to the largish side? Absolutely. But I like to live in a world where that is pure muscle and no one notices. These men completely shattered my illusion. (Three men in case anyone was keeping count. Three separate men have said this to me. All using the word BIG) WTF.
2. "I have never seen you without makeup"
In case anyone is just tuning into my blog, I am incredibly vain. If any of you out there with bills and responsibilities and real lives knew around how much I actually spend on makeup every month it would be repulsive. So needless to say, I wear alot. Not necessarily alot at one time, but a wide variety of looks and colors. Recently I came down with a fever and I was dying. I crawled into bed with wet hair (which really created it's own set of problems with my white girl fro) and no makeup. When my fella came calling later, he only managed a "how are you feeling?" before emitting his shock at my lack of makeup face. (Just to set the scene, I have naturally blonde eyelashes. BLONDE) Way to kick me when I am down babe. He should have just pretended he never noticed the difference.
3. "Do you have a pimple?"
This little gem was said to me during a long distance portion of my relationship. Did I have a pimple? Yes. Did I think it was noticeable via Skype? No. My beau quickly set the record straight about that. I was absolutely mortified and I think I managed to convince him that it was in fact, just something on the camera screen. But really, who SAYS that??
4. The real lesson learned lately has been to never ask a Latino man if you look fat in an outfit, picture, etc. He WILL tell you.
I know that alot of time women bring it upon themselves by hinting around for compliments and looking for positive reinforcement. And yes, that is a little annoying and desperate. But GENTLEMAN, please for the sake of our egos, just tell her what she wants to hear and NEVER point out her flaws. Thank you from all of womankind.
Today's post was inspired by my foray into foreign dating. South American men, for example, will have no problem putting you out there. I know a guy who calls his wife "mi gorda". Is she a little chubby? Yes. Would I kill my husband for calling me "my fat girl"? HELL YES. But lest you think this happens with just foreign men, think back to any sort of "I cannot believe he just said that" moment you have had. Seriously men, what the hell were you thinking?
So I have started us off, with a few that have been tossed out to me lately. Feel free to add your own!
1. "You have such BIG LEGS"
Yes this has been said to me. This has been said to me more than once, by more than one man. Do I have legs that tend to the largish side? Absolutely. But I like to live in a world where that is pure muscle and no one notices. These men completely shattered my illusion. (Three men in case anyone was keeping count. Three separate men have said this to me. All using the word BIG) WTF.
2. "I have never seen you without makeup"
In case anyone is just tuning into my blog, I am incredibly vain. If any of you out there with bills and responsibilities and real lives knew around how much I actually spend on makeup every month it would be repulsive. So needless to say, I wear alot. Not necessarily alot at one time, but a wide variety of looks and colors. Recently I came down with a fever and I was dying. I crawled into bed with wet hair (which really created it's own set of problems with my white girl fro) and no makeup. When my fella came calling later, he only managed a "how are you feeling?" before emitting his shock at my lack of makeup face. (Just to set the scene, I have naturally blonde eyelashes. BLONDE) Way to kick me when I am down babe. He should have just pretended he never noticed the difference.
3. "Do you have a pimple?"
This little gem was said to me during a long distance portion of my relationship. Did I have a pimple? Yes. Did I think it was noticeable via Skype? No. My beau quickly set the record straight about that. I was absolutely mortified and I think I managed to convince him that it was in fact, just something on the camera screen. But really, who SAYS that??
4. The real lesson learned lately has been to never ask a Latino man if you look fat in an outfit, picture, etc. He WILL tell you.
I know that alot of time women bring it upon themselves by hinting around for compliments and looking for positive reinforcement. And yes, that is a little annoying and desperate. But GENTLEMAN, please for the sake of our egos, just tell her what she wants to hear and NEVER point out her flaws. Thank you from all of womankind.
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