Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Anger Management

      I work at a hotel front desk. It is my job, as the overnight shift, to start breakfast in the morning. It is supposed to be ready at 5:30, so while our coffee station is open 24/7, I usually rebrew the two pots at 4:45 so they are fresh for breakfast. This morning, a guest came down for coffee at 4:53 and in a belligerent tone ordered me to "BRING OUT THE REGULAR COFFEE, NOW". I smiled sweetly back at him and assured him I would bring the coffee out as soon as it finished brewing. And then I went back into the kitchen and dawdled, drawing out the time he had to wait.
    Had he only smiled and said good morning or even asked in a nicer tone I would have brought the coffee out immediately. But while I am in customer service, that doesn't mean I am a customer punching bag. The way people treat me sometimes is absolutely ridiculous. Not only should no one be talked to like I am, people seem to forget that I am the one setting the rate for their stay, preparing the food, handling their issues etc. So why alienate me?
    Below I have created a list of five other people that you should always treat well, even if you are pissed off. Because you may not like the payback you didn't even know you got...

    1. Waitresses- We all know the stereotype of angry waitstaff spitting in our food. But there are other reasons to not anger your waitresses. They aren't necessarily the ones making your food, but they are in charge of picking it up and dropping it off. It sits under a heat lamp, so irk your waitress and she may keep your food sitting out and make you wait. It will arrive hot and you will be none the wiser. Aside from pissing them off, if your waitress likes you, she may even go so far as to not include your drinks on the receipt or give you her employee discount.

    2. Airline staff- I always skip the kiosks and go up to the person behind the counter. A lot of times, just chatting with the person behind the counter and being nice and not irritable, is enough to get you upgraded. And when the hostesses are coming around handing out snacks or telling you to shut off your electronics, don't back talk. These people have the power to kick you off the plane. Look at Alec Baldwin.

    3. Medical staff, especially CNAs and RNs- I know everyone always thinks of the doctor being the most important one in the medical practice, but this is so untrue. They wouldn't be able to run anything without their nursing staff. These men and women are used to being talked down to by their doctor, they don't need it from you too. Otherwise you may find that your meal is late, your pain meds are accidentally a lower dosage or that appointment you really need is all booked up until 6 months from now.

    4. Emergency workers/public servants- Most people, myself included, have a deep appreciation for the men and women keeping our streets safe. But that doesn't stop me from being irritated when I need to pull over for an ambulance or fire truck or from being pissed when I get pulled over by a cop. Pulling someone over is a scary prospect for a cop. While most times you are just hoping you don't get a ticket, they are approaching a car knowing virtually nothing about what is going to meet them. Same goes for firefighters and EMS. So cut them some slack the next time you interact with them. Chances are, one day, you are going to need at least one of these services, so make sure you don't make them hate you.

    5. Foreigners- Working in the hospitality industry, especially on cruise ships, I get to see how a lot of people interact with foreigners. When you look at someone and immediately assume they are too stupid to understand you, that is extremely ignorant. I know I frequently pretend I either don't speak English, or that I don't understand another language as well as I do and people talk right in front of you. Its amazing how many cruisers would talk about their housekeeper right in front of them. And while they would continue to do their job, you are certainly not going to go above and beyond for someone who talks down to you. No towel animals for you...

    I know that when you are frustrated and mad, it is easy to lash out at the person nearest to you. But remember, your waitress wasn't the one who cooked your food, the hotel front desk agent wasn't the one who didn't bring you enough towels and the CNA is the one who isn't going to clean up your shit if you can't learn to manage your anger...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Shutting the Hell Up

    I have had a very quiet (read DULL AND UNINTERESTING) last couple of days. So I was just in the kitchen making breakfast, which is usually my blog brainstorming time and I couldn't come up with anything. I tried to wrack my brain for something, anything, I could write about. Just to fill today's post. It didn't necessarily have to be Pulitzer worthy, just take up some space...
    Aha! Then it hit me like a bolt of lightening. This right here is a problem. Why do people feel such a constant need to be talking or texting or emailing (the list goes on and on, who can keep up with social media?) all the day long? It is because people seem to think that it makes a better connection to overshare.
    Don't get me wrong, I text quite a bit. But I also have friends all around the world who it is just not easy to call up and chat on the phone all day with (and not just because I have a pay as you go minutes phone...). One of my closest friends lives across the country, in a different time zone. I work overnights, she works days. She's married and I am not. So it's pretty hard to nail down a time for a long phone chat. Texts work best because if one if us is sleeping or busy, we just respond when we can. We don't just fill our days with meaningless texts.
    Your boyfriend or your best friend don't need to hear about your day in real time. Stop wasting everyone's time with pointless messages throughout the day. It doesn't build some intimate connection to know exactly what someone is doing as they're doing it. You are probably defending yourself at this point by saying "Well I love them and I just want them to be excited with me." They will. At the end of the day. Face to face. Because if you chat all day, what are you going to talk about that night? And in that same vein, strangers or very close to, don't need to be privy to every move you making that day. Stop putting your daily schedule as your status. If someone really wants to know what you are up to that day, they can ask. Not stalk you down via the internet.
    Now as far as talking out loud, I know I am a nervous chatterer. I hate awkward silence. So I try to fill it. But I know this is something that drives most people crazy so I try to hold back as much as possible. So shut up. Get off the phone and the computer. Stop oversharing things nobody really cares about. And just enjoy the silence...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Kisses in the Basement

           I generally like to believe that I am smarter than most people. (Probably because, I really am smarter than most people. Sorry America.) But as much as I tell myself I do, I don't actually know everything. To that extent, my male friends have been giving me topics to write about since I launched my blog and everytime I tell them "guest write an article". Being the lazy layabouts they all are, as you can see, that hasn't happened. The other day when I was having a discussion with my good friend B, she was dropping all kinds of knowledge on me. And it hit me like a lightening bolt. Why haven't I been asking female friends to guest blog? They may know about different topics than the guys, but no less important. So with that said, I welcome you to my first ever guest written blog, by the lovely Miss B.
(Note: Anything that comes next, I have not written)

          We all know girls get a little self-conscious when it comes to boys hanging out in their basement. Does it smell weird? What have I eaten recently? Will things taste okay? When was the last time I went pee and have I taken a shower since? Have I maintained things like I should? Etc… the list can go on and on. The anxiety that often comes with these questions has left girls with a lot to be desired. Those girls can be separated into two groups; those who have never had the experience of someone going down on them and those who are way too concerned to relax and enjoy it… and let me tell you, it’s definitely something that should be enjoyed.
           The most important thing a girl should remember is that if he doesn’t want his face in your lady business he’s NOT GOING TO PUT IT THERE! I promise if for any reason at all he doesn’t feel like taking a trip downstairs he’s not going to. It’s also important to remember that if he doesn’t want to there isn’t necessarily a problem with you. Just like you they sometimes just don’t feel inclined to do it.
     However that doesn’t mean that there aren’t things that you should be doing that might encourage, or at least not prevent, him from feeling “friendly.” You don’t need to be obsessive compulsive about your peeing/shower schedule. As long as you’re practicing good personal hygiene and using toilet paper you’re going to be fine. If you think there’s a possibility of things happening you can always use a little water to clean yourself up when you use the bathroom. If there’s anything too funky going on down there, smells or whatever, you’re probably going to know before it even becomes an issue. Don’t worry about tastes; generally speaking most guys enjoy the way a girls arousal tastes and smells. As far as maintenance goes as long as you’re not growing a garden he’s probably not going to care. If you’re that concerned get ask his opinion on “hair styles.” I guarantee he has one and once he sees you with it he’s going to go crazy. If that’s too direct, for you there’s always the bare option.
      So ladies what have we learned today? A little personally hygiene is really all it takes to make sure kisses in your downstairs run smoothly, unless of course you picked a bad kisser. Unfortunately you often don’t realize that until it’s too late. Let go of all that anxiety and give your sexy man friend a tour of your basement. Who knows, he just might like the scenery.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Being Hot Shit

Recently I have been infatuated with my friend's roommate, though he is not my type in the slightest. (This happens to me about every 12-18 months, so my friends and I come up with monikers for these: WAG aka Weirdly Attractive Guy, SAM aka Strangely Attractive Missionary and now the latest installation of SAR or Strangely Attractive Roommate.) Over the past six weeks or so, I have been torn about making a move. Being socially awkward and not my type, I don't want him to get all awkwarded out and possibly cause my friend an uncomfortable situation or heaven forbid, not be allowed to come over anymore. This past weekend, they were holding a party at their place and my best friend and I decided this would be the time to make my move. I am leaving in a week, so if it does get awkward, luckily I am making an escape. I got all dolled up the night in question, even doing my hair (If you know me, you know this doesn't happen often. Lots of effort went into this.) and slapping on the hated push up bra. I was ready to make my move. When I got there, SAR already had a girl there as his date! (We then referred to this as "unforseen circumstances" for the rest of the night) Never in all my consideration of the evening, had I really expected that strange development. Call me cocky, but I had envisioned a warm recepetion to my advances. Boy was I wrong.
    I am a big believer that everyone has a type, thought it may not be a physical one. I don't usually adhere to the notion, however, that people have leagues. I don't generally believe that I am too good for anyone, yet in getting caught up in SAR not being my type, I never imagined I would be the one getting rejected. (Yes, I have already admitted it was cocky. Thanks!)
    To me, I think each person brings something to the relationship. My old roommate was a very pretty girl and knew how to put herself together very well. But was also needy. She needed lots of positive and constant affirmation. One night, her and her boyfriend were playfully bickering and asked me if she was too good for him. And I told them what I really felt, that while physically she was better looking than him, he definitely put up with a lot of crap from her and was emotionally superior. And this is a key example of what everyone brings to the table.
    The phrase "you complete me" is totally cheesy (and iconic, thanks Jerry Maguire) but true. You need to find someone who has what you lack. A missing puzzle piece, if you will permit me to get gushy. If you are a little vapid and good looking, you and another vapid hottie are probably going to run out of interesting things to talk about in the first 45 seconds. You need someone who stimulates you mentally and offers you new challenges every day. So instead of walking around and instantly dismissing people based on first impressions and generally thinking you are hot shit, get to know them and see what they have to offer. Just because you think you are too good for someone, doesn't mean they will think you are good enough for them...

    (One last example to send you on your way. Look at Anna Nicole Smith and that old guy. She brought her tits to the table and he brought lots of cash. A general win all around. Find your old guy and enter the world of romance...)

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Letting It Go

I was out one night with a good guy friend of mine, who had just happened to be dating my very good female friend. Somehow the topic of cheating came up and I said to him "if you cheat on her alot, break up with her. But if it is a one time mistake, the smartest thing to do would be not to tell her. She won't break up with you and it will be brought up in every argument..." What I didn't know at the time, was that he did once cheat on her at a party with an acquaintance of ours. Later, she found out (via an anonymous Facebook message, no less) and shit hit the roof. They didn't break up right away and instead were stuck in an on again-off again limbo. They would fight about any little thing, as a vehicle for her anger. She still loved him and was hurt. But finally, they broke it off and stayed off, because the infidelity was in fact inexcusable.
    Screaming at someone for something simple because you are still holding on to extra rage isn't healthy. Just because you asked your boyfriend to pass the salt and he didn't, doesn't mean you should fly into a fit of anger. But maybe that anger actually stems from his recent unsettling revelation? Passive aggressiveness is never good. You are taking your anger out, but the person doesn't know why. You need to be direct and calm and explain why you are upset. If you lash out about the salt and he genuinely thinks you're just pissed about the salt, then he never will apologize or understand what he really did wrong. And chances are, he will do it again. (Unless it's cheating, most likely he will recognize you are mad about that haha).
    Either you forgive someone or you don't. And if you don't, move on.  Dragging out the process is just going to hurt you both more in the long run. Being mad forever isn't going to just magically go away. And you don't want to live the rest of your life pissed off. It causes wrinkles...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the Art of Facebook Photos

    My best friend has recently started dating a new girl. Well, a girl we used to know but probably haven't seen in at least seven years. This is the same slob who has the science experiment toilet and yet, the other day before taking this girl out, he cleaned out his truck. He even dusted it! His sister, who has never met the girl, was immediately intrigued and as soon as he left for their date, we whipped out the computer. We found her easily enough and scrolled through her photos. She is definitely pretty but her photos were a little desperate. In all of them, she was in low cut tops or bikinis. And she has the Courtney Stodden pose down pat. She pushed her chest out so much that her rib cage was out as far as her boobs. Lest this create a top heavy impression, she also had arched her back and stuck her butt out to rival Kim Kardashian's rear. She looked good, but was trying way too hard to look that way.
    I would say that in about half of my Facebook photos I look bad. I tend to make weird faces, have a double chin, or just in general have the extra ten pounds the camera adds. And I leave those posts tagged. Because as much as I would like to deny it, sometimes that's just what I look like. I am not a model and there is no point in cropping and editing until I look like one. Nobody wants to be the girl everyone thinks is pretty, until they see her again in real life. You all have those moments when you meet someone, at a bar or at a party and kind of forget about them until their friend request pops up. You scroll through their photos and think "Wow, this person is really quite attractive!". Except, they're not. They're just a whiz with photoshop. It's always immediately obvious when someone is reusing old photos, before they put on that extra 25 or got a ridiculous hair cut. It just draws attention to how different you look now and highlights the changes (flaws) you are trying to hide.
    No matter how thin and pretty you are, trying too hard makes you look insecure. When I teased my friend about his beau's butt pose, he agreed with me and said it was because she was insecure. He had mentioned to her, some of her more provocative poses and she told him she "needed to look good always" in her photos. While I am a big believer in putting your best foot forward, it can't be someone else's photoshopped and more attractive foot. Rock how you look, possible fat arm and all.
    This isn't to say I don't try my best to look good in a photo. I try to make my arms look thin by tucking them at an angle. I bevel my stance. I lift my chin when I smile. But equally often, I look cross eyed at the camera or stick out my tongue. Or I form some weird shape in which I am almost guaranteed a belly roll. And that's okay, because to me, self confidence is just as pretty, tongue hanging out or not.

(PS PLEASE STOP MAKING THE DUCK FACE, NO ONE THINKS IT IS CUTE!)





   

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Being Shallow

I admit, I judge people based on their appearance. Not so much the things they cannot control about themselves, but outfits especially are a particular pet peeve of mine. So it comes as no surprise, that I have a "type" when it comes to men. There are things that I usually look for in a man. Tall and tan are definitely desirable qualities in a guy, in my opinion. (One of my close guy friends says my type is "asshole", but really that's more about what's on the inside) But I have non physical attributes I look for too. Someone who has a job. Someone who is presentable. I definitely need to be impressed by my guy. However, I don't think this is necessarily shallow.
    I wanted to be attracted to the person I am with. What is the point of being with someone if you don't feel the urge to kiss them? Or worse, if the thought of kissing them repulsed you? What I think keeps me from being shallow though, is that I don't need EVERYONE to want my guy. I don't pick a potential mate based on how I think others will judge me for being with them. I will allow, that I have been proud of particularly good looking man-friends. That isn't to say I haven't been just as proud of the slightly less good looking ones, who were good people who treated me well. As far as wanting to be with someone who has a good job, I like to go out. I like to eat at restaurants, go to the movies and love traveling. And while I don't mind paying for myself, I don't want to be someone else's gravy train. (I've been there, done that. The sugar mama thing is not for me. There goes my future as a cougar) So anyone I want to be with, should be able to pay for themselves. Besides, laziness drives me CRAZY. Sitting on the sofa all day, playing video games, is NOT sexy to me. Get up, get ready and let's go somewhere nice. I am not saying be a metrosexual, because that is so not my turn on. I don't care if you are the least fashionable person out there, as long as your ugly clothes are stain free and smell nice. Anyone taking me out should respect me enough to make an effort.
    Now there is a whole different breed of women out there. Many of them gold diggers. These women look at men as trophies and are out to bag the biggest and shiniest one. The harm comes in not when you are picking someone you think is hot, but when you only date people you know ALL of your friends think is hot too. Your dating goals should never be to strike envy into the heart of women everywhere. And while of course, you think your man is as hot as Brad Pitt, don't only deign to date men who look only like Brad.
    Even if initially you are dating someone, you may not be shallow about them. But as time goes on you begin to criticize how they do their hair and subtly replace their wardrobe. And THAT is shallow. Changing everything about someone so they meet your criterion is not fair. Just because you think baseball caps are scrubby, doesn't mean your guy should never wear them again. I know most guys aren't too thrilled about baggy sweatpants. But try taking away a PMS-ing chick's sweatpants and true rage comes out. If men can deal, so should you. It would be like dating a guy who will only take you out if you are wearing your makeup exactly to his standard and wearing clothes he picked out, even if you hate them.
    You want to find someone who you think is the best in the world. And if that includes his daily wardrobe of sports' Ts then more power to you both. Just don't ban his Ts because your friends don't like them.
    For me, it's not so much being shallow, as having standards. And who says that is a bad thing?

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Bromance

    I was perusing Cosmo's website recently and came across an article about getting your man's friends to like you. It was filled with tips like buying a round of drinks or bringing around hot friends. But to me, this just seems like sucking up. I am not really into the whole touchy feely everyone needs to like you for you standpoint on life, but I will say in this instance, nobody wants to hang with a fake ass lady.
    People can tell when you are being genuine. Wanting to make a good impression is understandable, but being completely fake isn't. It's natural to want the guys in your guy's life to like you. They are an extension of him and if he loves you, shouldn't they? Not necessarily. Just because people are friends, doesn't mean they all like the exact same things. So don't try to be something you aren't just to please his friends. Maybe he loves golf, but his bros don't? Don't trash it just to get on their good side, you just left him in the dust. Plus it is incredibly awkward when people try to pretend to be something they aren't. There are only two sports I am even marginally interested in. And if someone tries to discuss baseball or soccer with me, I shoot that shit down immediately. So they hate me for not liking them? Way better than me embarrassing myself later down the line by catching myself in that lie.
    If you don't like his friends, don't hang out with them. Nobody wants to be around a downer, so if you are miserable around them or don't want to do what they are going to do, DON'T. You won't be happy and you will spread that misery like an awful sprinkling of glittery fairy dust. (Everyone wants to avoid glitter too) In the end, everyone will just remember you are a bad time. Do you think you will score an invite to the next function? And if your man does, he is now in the position of having to choose between the two of you. Because you couldn't be a damn pleasant person.
    If you do like going out with his friends, by all means, do so. But recognize that while you are out in a group, you shouldn't expect your boyfriend to hang out with only you. You have plenty of other time for this. The whole point of group functions is to interact with others, so you don't get sick of each other and end up going all "Psycho" on each other. Nobody wants to have to babysit you. Make conversations, make your own friends. Following him around listening to him talk cannot be your whole social set.
    The easiest way to alienate a man's friends is to criticize him in front of them. Remember when you were a kid and your parents would scold you at a sleepover? Remember how uncomfortable that was? Yeah... It's like that. All they are going to be able to focus on is what a bitch you were. And, sooner or later, your guy is going to join in the pack mentality and see you that way too.
    Don't urge your guy to stop hanging out with their friends either. They were friends before you and you still love your guy, so its unlikely he is going to morph into his annoying friend anytime soon. Men need that time with other men to stay sane. And really who wants a whipped boyfriend anyway?
    I am not saying don't suck up a little bit (I am a notorious treat giver), but make sure its in a way that is genuine to who you are. I bring food, because I like to cook and I love to eat. Let them like you for what you bring to the mix and if they don't like you, make sure they at least don't resent you. Because in today's world of "bros before hoes", they mean you, not a garden tool.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Being A Hot Mess

I work at a hotel. This morning at 5a, a sight to see strolled in. This woman was easily 75+ lbs over weight and had stuffed herself into what had to be a size medium tank top (a feat I don't even dare attempt). Her cavernous tattoo cleavage spilled out of the too small bra and overflowed the tanks meager straps. Above the shoulder was a lovely combination of facial piercings, the largest hoop earrings I have ever seen and a rumpled, frizzy 'do. From the chest down we were greeted with a muffin top (see previous post) big enough to feed a family of fifteen for weeks. And the best part is yet to come. In lieu of pants or even a skirt she had on tights. Not just any tights. They were leopard print. And not merely leopard print, but see through leopard print complete with a pair of black granny panties underneath. If this wasn't already the best thing you have ever envisioned, as she wobbled away I noted the holes of various shapes and sizes in aforementioned tights. And to truly work it, she topped it all off with some too-high for her to walk in heels. Amazing. (I just want to point out that I attempted to photograph said creature, in case one thought she was nonexistent on par with Bigfoot or Nessie, however I couldn't figure out how to shut off the shutter sound on my camera. I was afraid that if I tried to capture her image and she caught me, she may smother me in her ample bosom. And for me to fear someone's chest, you know it has to be LARGE!)
    I walk a very fine line between looking like shit and actually caring about my appearance (Recently, a guy friend told me I either look really good or completely shitty, never in the middle). I am usually to be found with at least makeup on, but it is anyone's guess what my hair will look like that day. Rushing usually consists of some form of a braid, or if I am really desperate, wearing it down and unstraightened. However the one thing I will never venture out of the house wearing is pajama pants. And that is because to me, pajamas scream "I really don't give an eff".
    Now I am not hating on anyone else who chooses to stroll around in their pjs. It is just my personal standard for looking good outside of the home. Everyone has their own standard and that may or may not include a hairbrush. But to me, someone who is walking around like a hot mess really doesn't respect themselves. So why should I? It's one thing to want to be au natural, I know many people who don't like to wear makeup. However, that doesn't excuse basic hygiene. You can still throw together a nice outfit. Same goes for wearing a completely lovely outfit and looking like a smeary mess with your makeup.
    Deep down, everyone knows when they look good. You may not want to admit it to yourself, that the smaller size you are desperately trying to squeeze into gives you an unflattering bulge or that perhaps that much skin showing isn't your best look. But when you look sloppy, people perceive you as sloppy. As much as it sucks, our society is vain and appearances matter. I recently read a scathing article about Hilary Clinton's makeup and weight. The woman is the SoS and clearly has more important things to worry about. Yet people still judge.
    Rumpled, smelly, smeared makeup, ill-fitting clothes. None of these are good looks. You never want someone to look at you and wonder what hovel you currently crawled out of. Or how much it would cost to crawl into one of your bed...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Fifty First Dates

       My good friend once set me up on what I now lovingly refer to as "the blind date from hell". She had been hyping this guy for a month or two and finally made it happen. It was arranged as part of a group date with her and her fiance, her roommate and her roommate's date. We went to a haunted corn maze at a Halloween themed park. I had never been on a blind date before and was a little apprehensive about getting to know someone in that situation. The boys came over a little earlier than we had planned to leave and what followed goes down in history as one of the more awkward experiences of my life. I am pretty sure after the initial introductions my "date" didn't speak to me again for easily twenty minutes. Then stuffed into the back seat I, being the natural chatterbox, began to attempt conversation. I found out he was an engineer and was elated. Due to the large amount of engineering students I knew, this was a topic I could pretend to chat knowingly about. He was not interested. I tried asking him about his family. Nothing. Questioned him about his mission (he was Mormon) and found out he didn't go on one. Finally I gave up. This pattern of complete and utter lack of interest in anything about me carried well through the date, starting with my buying my own ticket. (Apparently this is a big faux paus in the LDS filled land of Utah) I pretty much disengaged thirty minutes into our hours long date. Aside from pretty delicious kettle corn and actually having conversations with the other girl's date, there were not a lot of positives. The park only had port-a-potties and I broke the zipper on my pants. (Yes, rationally I know these things aren't his fault, but I am blaming him anyway) Overall, not a first date made in heaven.
    Many people go into first dates with the completely wrong goal. You are never going to fall in love with someone on the first date. So stop trying to get to know everything about them and telling them every little detail of your mundane existence. Because, really, THEY DO NOT CARE. You shouldn't be trying to seek out the real them, you should be trying to score a second date.
    As shallow as it seems, if you aren't attracted to someone, you probably aren't going to want a second date. If you walk in and sit down and don't immediately want to jump their bones,  that's okay. Don't scorn them right away. Let them use this opportunity to win you over with their wit and charm. Personalities can take so-so looks and raise them to uber-hotness. Even if you aren't normally witty or charming, now is the time to PRETEND. Even if the guy thinks you are only average, your general awesomeness could raise you to Angelina Jolie. You should be treating this date like a job interview. This person is interviewing for potential lifemate. You wouldn't want into an office and admit to the boss that you like to slack off and are terrible at customer service. You are going to fake it until you make it. And a date should be the same way.
    I am not saying you should completely misrepresent yourself. You don't want to act like someone you in no way resemble. But try to highlight your best qualities and hide some of the others, until maybe date four. Knowing I am a heinous bitch, I try to tone it down some on dates and instead channel that into either self deprecating or dry wit. I know bitchy is not my best foot forward.
    If anyone has been watching this season of the Bachelorette, Bachelor Ryan is the perfect example of this. He is a handsome, fit and well mannered gentleman. Emily has been intrigued by him since the beginning and he made a wonderful first impression. It is only now, that competition is getting smaller and he is confident of his foothold that he is allowing the real Ryan to come out (and real Ryan expresses himself through gems like "If you let yourself go I would still love you, I just wouldn't love ON you"). Yet he is still around, because she is still trying to decide whether to believe first impressions or not.
    I am sure there are special qualities about you, that make you uniquely you. But your date doesn't need to know, day one, that your life goal is to raise kittens and share them with orphans in Africa. That's not interesting, that's scary. So try to be mysterious sexy Angelina, not the Angelina who wears blood and makes out with her brother. First impressions are everything.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Incest and Other Weird Insecurities

          My cousin's ex wife really didn't like me. As much as I would like to think the whole world revolves around me, she didn't much like his mother, sister or aunt either. But she especially didn't appreciate our relationship. She felt we were too close. My cousin was a soldier in the Army while I was nannying in Wyoming. As a live in nanny I had a fairly decent savings and during my chats with my cousin, he had mentioned that things were a little dull at the base he was at, because he was on shift overnight. So I decided to buy him a Nintendo DS to boost his downtime.I thought it would be something nice to do, considering he was serving overseas and even with my online shopping addiction I could definitely afford it. For her, this was the catalyst. She used this as "proof" that our relationship was inappropriate and ordered him to sever contact.
    At the time, this both disgusted me and pissed me off. Just because she was from some backwoods in NH, where it was apparently okay to harbor those feelings about a relative, did not mean we all did. But over time, as I got (slightly) more mature and became further removed from the situation, I realized that was probably not exactly what she was afraid of.
    Women have this innate competition with each other. It doesn't matter if it is competing with your sister over parents' affection, competing with your friends over men or even competing with a complete stranger walking by about fashion sense. Most women are constantly judging and critiquing. Knowing that at any given moment, other women could be comparing you sets up the mentality that everyone must be judging all the time. So while she most likely wasn't worried that my cousin and I were about to embark on a blistering affair, she probably did have a little insecurity about the fact that she was a homemaker without her own source of income and couldn't afford a few hundred dollar purchase just because. She also encouraged him to cut ties with his sister and mother. She just had this deep rooted need to be number one in his life and couldn't face the belief someone else might take that spot over.
    A set of brothers I know share a house. The older brother has a live-in girlfriend. The younger brother actually introduced the two and they used to all be close. Now that the younger brother has a girlfriend who occasionally stays over. This enrages the live in girlfriend. She claims this is disrespectful to her. But in actuality she doesn't care for the competition. When she was the only female in the house, she was the alpha. Now that another girl has entered the picture, it has become an unspoken competition. Even if it is seemingly innocent comments such as "Girlfriend 2 really bakes a delicious cake", women will take it as a passive dig at their own cooking abilities.
    If you are the victim of such insecurities then it helps to know the root of all evil. Perhaps knowing the real reason for such behavior will help you rise above and be the bigger person. Or even reason with the wacko. If you are aforementioned wacko, be honest with yourself for your motivations to not like someone. Not everything is a contest in life and you can only control how others view you by controlling your behavior. Stop being so insecure and using that to focus on what seems like inconsequential details.
    Because if you really are worried that your husband will cheat on you with his cousin, girl, just let him go. You do not need that incestuous crazy in your life.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Hollywood

Recently, I have been re-watching Dawson's Creek (and yes I am aware of what a sad commentary this is on my lack of social life). This show came out when I was ten and I remember thinking that I could not wait for high school. The kids on the show seemed to have such exciting lives and I definitely wanted to experience it for myself. And while I loved high school (and yes, now I am aware that I look even more lame), it was nothing like Capeside High. Thoroughly disappointing.
    Hollywood has a way of making even the most mundane activities seem exciting. High school dramas are filled with scandal and intrigue and love stories. Little to no mention is made of the deluge of school work most kids find themselves under these days. Actual classes take a back seat to the social importance to high school, setting up a very unrealistic expectations for what high school is like. After high school is even worse. Often dream jobs are just handed to the main characters. The show One Tree Hill is a prime example of this. Fast forward five years and the friends are now successful fashion designers, authors, pro athletes, musicians and more. Because who doesn't have all that achieved by 23?
    The most unfortunate dramatization by Hollywood is in romance. The romantic genre is one of the highest grossing every year. Women (and men) flock to these films and shows, wanting to believe that they too can have their fairy tale esque ending. It sets up these guidelines to romance that few couples ever match. Women expect men to fill the shoes of these characters who make sweeping romantic gestures.
    The whole Hollywood concept of the one has women across the nation waiting for their soulmate. But what most people don't realize is that any given time in your life, you have different criterion for a soul mate. So how could there just be one to suit you? Movies like the Notebook with their whole "meant to be together" and "destiny" themes create the illusion that true love is dramatic and heart wrenching. But true love could just as easily be steady and strong. It doesn't have to be a passionate whirlwind to be real.
    I have friends who have had high drama relationships filled with highs and lows, infidelity and scandal. But does that make their love any more real than the friends who have more sedate and calm relationships? Is it about the better love or the better selling story? People watch movies and TV and read books to escape their own reality. For a little while to be immersed in someone else's fiction and pretend to be someone they are not. But with the prevalence of this today, more and more people forget that movies are fiction and not how to guides for life.
    In movies there are writers to make sure the romantic lead always knows what to say to make the leading ladies swoon. There are editors to call for a do over if the passion doesn't feel strong enough. Stylists so the couple looks flawless and beautiful, because that's what we are trained to believe love is. However it is important to remember that, those scenes are just illusions designed to resonate and tug at the heartstrings. Because I know if, in real life, someone slow jogged toward me with their blonde hair flowing in the breeze, a la Dawson Leery, I would probably be overcome with the cheesy factor and lose it to laughter, not lust.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Zac Efron

    Because I am always out with a variety of male friends, I am often the victim of them checking out other girls right in front of me. Aside from this sometimes grossing me out, with their complete lack of taste or standards, it really doesn't bother me. Because they don't have to impress me, they are blantant about doing it right in front of me. But even in relationships, it doesn't bother me if my guy has a wandering eye. As long as that's all that's wandering...
    Jealousy is a pretty normal and common emotion. But so is lust. I lust for baking supplies. I lust for nice shoes. And sometimes, I lust for Zac Efron. Most of the time, I think his movies are pretty crappy. But I watch them anyway, because he is just plain pretty. I know that a variety of grooming and stylist people (and incredibly lucky genes) help him get that way everyday. But he is still nice to look at.
    To men, many women are on par with (a female version) of Zac Efron. They look at a girl and they don't see the push up bra and twenty minutes of fiddling with make up that went into her appearance. They just think "ohh nice". That doesn't mean they want to be with her, or to be with you any less. It just means, for a brief moment she caught their eye. Men are like animals, shiny objects attract their attention.
    While it is normal to feel a little bit jealous when you catch your boyfriend doing this, try to scale back on the attitude or accusations. There is no need to blow up or freak out. Yes, he looked at her. Yes, you caught him. Yes, he most likely thinks she's hot. But no, it doesn't mean he is leaving you to chase her down across the mall and run away with her. Stop overreacting.
    You could make a joke out of it, but a lot of the time that comes off as passive aggressive. So it's best not to say or do anything. Just ignore it. And hopefully the next time you are out to dinner and a sexy stranger strays across your path, your man will return the favor.
    Next time you see your dude scope out a cutie, a little less than subtly, let him off the hook. Because really, no one watches Zac Efron movies for the plot.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Being Helpless

       I was driving to Tennessee once by myself when my tire popped. I pulled over and thankfully another woman pulled over right behind me. She got right out and got to work, helping me change the tire. About three minutes in the creepiest man ever pulled over. He was in overalls covered in unidentified muck, smelled and generally was just a sketchy dude. There were various creepy knives and tools in the back of his pick up. He offered to help, but thankfully we pretty much had it all done. He wouldn't go away and just continued to linger until we finished, despite us both telling him we were okay. The lady even had me follow her to the gas station where I could get a new tire, because she was from the area. I am so grateful to her, because without her I would have been completely at that man's mercy. I would have been unable to change my tire on my own and stuck. He may have been a very nice man, but then again, he may not.
       I now know how to change my tire and do basic car functions. I prefer not to do them myself but if I am in a jam I need to know I can get myself out. Cars are not the only things people should know how to deal with on their own. Some others are:

    1. How to change a light bulb or restart a fuse- I got electrocuted once when I was about eleven. It wasn't anything serious, just enough to freak me out about changing bulbs for the rest of my life. Now I am at the complete and utter mercy of whomever I am living with (or whomever I can rope into doing it if I live alone). Ditto for restarting a fuse switch. I am not entirely sure how, so I just don't, to avoid making it worse. It would be nice to be able to depend on yourself, because trust me, it is no fun navigate a dark room for a week, until someone else will change your lamp.

    2. Being a good house guest- This one may not necessarily be preventing you from "helplessness" but if you are a terrible house guest once, you will never have a place to stay again. So it saves you from a big hotel bill. There are things I would have thought no person would have to be told, but after having a two week house guest from hell this past winter, I fully embrace that assuming makes an ass out of you. If someone is letting you stay with them, clean up after yourself. Do not leave your food strewn about on the counters or dirty dishes scattered about the living room. Even if someone else that lives there does it, it is not okay. Now it is just a bigger mess for the person who has to clean up after both your asses. If you are staying on a pull out or a regular sofa in the main living room, clean your bed up daily. Remember this is a common living space. And most importantly, be cordial. Even if there are roommates you don't know or didn't come to see, make an effort, because living in the same house for two weeks is awkward for anyone. Especially surly strangers.

    3. Use a map or take good directions- Last week I left my friend's apartment in a town I don't live in and when I had gotten just far enough away that I couldn't safely navigate my way back to his place for directions, my phone (with GPS) died. I genuinely had no clue how to get where I was trying to go and ended up getting there on the power of prayer alone. I used to have a map book in my car, but when I got a GPS I took it out. I would have gladly stopped at a store to ask for directions, but I was stuck squarely in a residential neighborhood and couldn't work up the nerve to knock on a house door. It is important to understand basic map reading skills because there are times when you can't get a signal or your battery dies. And when someone is giving you verbal directions, it is a good idea to write them down. So keep a pen and paper in your car!

    4. Basic first aid- Ever since I got my AED certification I have always morbidly hoped to witness someone having a heart attack. I really want to be able to yell "clear" and hit someone with those paddles. I know that it is extremely unlikely but I live the dream. But even if you don't one day imagine yourself in this situation, it is good to know basic first aid. I recommend taking a course and getting the certification, but if you can't afford that, look up courses that are just how to, without the credits. You never know when an emergency might strike or where you will be!

    5. Making and keeping a budget- I live for the day that a fabulously wealthy man comes and rescues me from my middle class lifestyle. Then in addition to all kinds of charming household help, we can also have an accountant who will keep charge of the hundreds of thousands I receive in my just because budget for the month. Until that sainted day, however, I am stuck schlubbing it out with a budget. For people like me, who aren't paid every week, it can be really hard to plan for the longer term in between pay periods. That's why it is always a good idea to stick to a budget for things like groceries and toiletries. I even try to ration out how much I can spend on impulse shopping each month. This prevents you from using all your money in the first few days and living off Ramen for a month. (Unless like my old roommate, you genuinely enjoy Ramen)

    6. Doing laundry, fixing a button or a hem- A friend of mine made all of her formal dresses in high school. Not only did she save money, but she got to design exactly what she wanted and what looked best on her. While I know not everyone is Martha Stewart with a sewing needle, there is no excuse to not be able to sew on a button or repair a hem. A button has button holes. (Duh) This is basically a map of where to put the needle. Just pull it through as many times as needed for the button to feel secure! Ta da! And now you can even buy handy dandy pre-threaded needles in a variety of thread colors. Just in case that was your excuse. This past winter, I completely destroyed my work pants. I dragged the hem so ragged, a coworker told me I looked homeless. When it came time to turn my uniform in, I really did not want to pay the thirty dollars for ruining them. So I bought a needle and some thread and just took the hem up a bit. While not good as new, it was good enough to pass uniform inspection and the supplies only cost me about 5 dollars. Same thing with laundry. While it would be lovely to send it all out and get it back fresh and clean, it is far cheaper to do your own. And even if you live with your parents and mom still does it for you, what will you do one day if she is on vacation and you run out of clothes?

    7. Basic car functions- We have already covered the importance of knowing how to change your tire, but it is also a good idea to know how to jump start your car. At least once in your life, you will probably leave the lights on and drain the battery. Unless you have AAA (and plenty of time to wait around for them), the best thing to do is just whip out the jumper cables and charge it back up. It is also a good idea to know how to add windshield wiper fluid, antifreeze, oil, etc to your car. You can find the instructions in your car manual or ask a mechanically inclined friend to show you how. Also, it is a good idea to know how to drive a standard and an automatic. While it is easy to find the car of your choice these days there may come a time, (such as an emergency or a scary boss at a greenhouse forcing you) when you have to drive a stick and trust me, an emergency is not the best time to learn.

    Now I must admit, while I do know how to do almost everything on this list (okay you caught me, I STILL can't drive a stick) there are times I certainly choose not to. I hate driving. Any time someone offers to drive me somewhere, I jump on that offer. I once flirted with the Autozone worker so he would take his break and put oil in my car. I usually wait for my dad to fix the wiring or lightbulbs, because I don't want to blow up. I don't think I have ever put air in my own tires.  (I won't even weedwack, because I have an irrational fear of losing my toe) But these are all my choices. It isn't because I am not prepared. Contrary to what Disney movies would have you believe, there is not always some prince or charmer there to help you out. And really, the helpless act isn't all that cute when you aren't Snow White.