Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Breaking Up

       A friend of mine called me recently, quite upset at some of the hurtful things a "friend" of hers had said to her. The girl had gone off, seemingly out of nowhere and attacked. Now my friend was baffled. Even if the girl apologized, would she be able to forgive and forget?
      So many girls have friendships like these. Friends who are constantly putting you down, or being negative, or hurting your feelings on a regular basis. What kind of friendship is that? Maybe you think you owe it to this person to stay their friend and put up with their abuse. After all, you've been friends for so long. But sentimentality is no reason to put up with someone treating you poorly. Or maybe it's a recent thing and they're going through a rough time and taking it out on you. Would you stay their friend if they had recently started punching you in the face? Of course not. So stop letting them punch you in the feelings.
       It may be awkward to bring it up, but tell them. It's always good to say "hey those snide little comments you make are hurting my feelings, so what if I like to go back for second and thirds at the buffet?" Coming clean about your feelings is the best option, because if you start just retaliating with more hurtful comments, what kind of friendship is that? If you really don't feel comfortable bringing it up or she just doesn't care, then it's time to consider breaking up. After all, you would never let a guy treat you this way. So why let a girl?

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Faking It

Okay so I know I recently posted about being true to yourself in my holiday blog. I stated that if you can't cook, don't pretend you can. However, maybe you have always wanted to bake, you just never started. Or maybe you just really need to make a good impression. So here you go. Here are a few of my easiest recipes so you can fake it til you make it (or them hahah)

Italian Christmas Cookies
- 4 cups flour                -1/2 cup butter               -8 teaspoons baking powder
-1 cup sugar                  -3/4 cup milk                 -4 teaspoons lemon extract

Preheat the oven to 400* F. Cream (mix) together the butter and the sugar. Add the lemon extract and baking powder. Mix in two cups of the flour. Stir in the milk and then the rest of the flour. Dust your hands and the top of the dough with flour. Roll the dough into balls about an inch around and then flatten slightly into disks with your hand. Bake 6-8 mins. Let cool completely then frost with Buttercream Frosting.

Buttercream Frosting
-1 stick of butter, softened       -3 to 5 tablespoons milk or cream     -powdered sugar
You can also add food coloring to make whatever color frosting you want.

Mix together the ingredients, adding in as much sugar as you need to reach the desired consistency. I like mine a little stiffer, because it makes it easier to frost.


Apple Brown Betty (this one is super duper easy, for all you non bakers out there)
-7 slices of bread, cubed          -3 apples peeled and sliced              -1 1/2 sticks of butter
--1 1/2 cup of brown sugar       - 3 tablespoons cinnamon

Preheat the oven to 350*F. Grease the bottom of a pie pan and add 1/2 cup brown sugar and 1 tablespoon mix to the bottom of the pan. Layer the apples and then the cubed bread. Add another 1/2 cup brown sugar and cinnamon mix, the apples and the cubed bread. Repeat once more, using the thickest layer of bread cubes on the top layer. Top with more butter and baked covered with tinfoil for 40 minutes. Uncover and bake for five more minutes.

There you guys go! Enjoy!

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Jennifer Lawrence

      I have a big ole lesbian crush on Jennifer Lawrence. In a big way. More than my actual ex-lesbian best friend's crush on Ellen DeGeneres (and trust me, I was forced to watch her stand up a zillion times, it was pretty substantial). Yes she is beautiful and gives hilariously blunt interviews, but mostly I find her opinion on body image refreshing and amazing.
      I have a thing for a guy. I haven't made a move on said guy, being too chicken. Today I came to the realization it is because I am not comfortable with my looks lately. I've moved from an environment in which it was acceptable and expected to be in heels and dresses almost every time I went out to extreme Hippyville. Here beards and plaids are the norm (and that's just for the ladies). I told my roommate that I haven't quite adjusted my standards yet and as a result I wasn't feeling confident in my allure. I couldn't pursue someone and expect them to find me attractive, since I didn't even find myself attractive. I thought this was perfectly reasonable. My roommate told me it was shallow and vain.
     At first I was righteously indignant. It's neither shallow nor vain to take pride in your appearance. In fact, I decided to get a jump start on my resolution and take this week to work on my fitness. I sat down ready to read some inspirational fitness online. While perusing the current news I came across an interview with Jennifer Lawrence. In it, she goes on at length about body image and how mad it makes her the way we put down women's bodies as a society. It infuriates her that we focus so much on appearances. By the end of the article, I realized it was true. No matter how much I have to offer I was still too hung up on my own view of beauty. But it dawned on me, it wasn't my opinion of beauty, it was society's.
         So I am going to work on it. I know logically I bring other things to the table than walking pretty in high heels. I just need to remind myself. I still am going to work on my overall healthiness and get in better shape, but I am going to do it for me. And hey, maybe this was the push I needed to man up and finally make a move on the guy...(Since J.Law isn't returning my calls ;) )

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the Ex Files

     There are so many things I could say about my exes. Good things, bad things, so many things. Yet it still freaked me out recently when I was on a first date and the guy asked about my ex. Straight up. Within the first twenty minutes. I really don't like thinking about what an idiot I was to date him and I don't want to discuss it. Certainly not with a virtual stranger.
         I get that past relationships are a big part of shaping who you are today. But that doesn't men your boyfriend needs to hear about them all in vivid detail. He really doesn't care. And no matter what, you come off looking bad. If you bad mouth your ex, he wonders why you stayed with such a dick. And why would you go from that asshole to him? Do you think they are similar? Or are YOU the crazy one in this situation just telling the story to suit yourself? Or if you have good things to say about him, why did you even break up? Do you still want to be together? Is it a real life version of that stupid Hinder song? Just save yourself the trouble and only bring up your ex if directly asked about it and don't lie, but don't get crazy with detail. He cheated on you? Okay to share. You don't necessarily need to get into the when, where, with who and what they were wearing at the time.
     And return the favor. Don't probe into your guy's girlfriends of the past. If he wants to tell you, he will. I can tell you about most of my exes previous relationships and I've never not once asked about it. Mostly, because I am secure in the fact that if they still wanted to be together they would be, but also just because I know how annoying it is to be probed about things that are better left in the past...
     But most importantly, don't trash your guys ex. Don't use it as a way to try to bond with his friends  or family and certainly don't do it to him. It just makes you come off as insecure and desperate. They broke up for a reason, just like he is with you for a reason. Trying to make yourself look better by hating on her is really just calling his taste into question. And after all that same taste led him to you.
     So yes, your exes suck. A song might come on or a movie might remind you. But don't trash them to your guy, that's what you have girlfriends for..

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the Holiday Season

    It's that time of year again. The most wonderful time of the year, a season of giving, a time to be grateful for your family and loved ones. But it's also that time of the year when people act like idiots. The holidays are so built up in our society and come with all these pressures.
    Ladies tend to be nurturing creatures. So it's natural to want to shower your boyfriend/crush/object of your stalking with holiday gifts. Because naturally getting them the amazing thing they've been wanting forever is the way to their heart, right? Wrong! While yes, they will most likely love the gift you spent three paychecks on, that doesn't necessarily translate into love for YOU. A few Christmases ago a good friend of mine splurged and bought his semi new girlfriend an expensive necklace. But honestly, I think it kind of just freaked her out. An expensive gift goes one of two ways and instilling fear is one of them. If it was Christmas Day and your guy opened the brand new, pricey sports jersey he's been craving and turns around and gives you a bubble bath set, it doesn't exactly set things on an even keel. It also gets them to thinking you may be a lot more serious about the relationship  than they are. It's panic inspiring. Save yourself the trouble and go out, buy his favorite mid priced booze and a couple of manly shot glasses. Bam. Done. Maybe throw some beef jerky in the bag if you are feeling really classy.
       Holidays are also about family and depending on how long you have been with your squeeze it may be the first time meeting his family or extended family. Unless you are dating a heartless serial killer, you are probably going to want to make a good impression on his family. But so many gals go about this the complete wrong way. Do NOT pretend to be instant best friends with his mom/grandma/sisters. Lady relatives are shrewd. And yes they ARE going to be sizing you up. So don't be fake. If you have an interest in his sister's job, go ahead and ask her about it. But don't spew effusive praise about how AWESOME it/she is. That's just annoying. Go ahead and ask his mom if she needs help in the kitchen, but don't just make yourself at home. It's NOT your home. It should go without saying, but do not get drunk at his family holiday party. It doesn't matter if they are all toasted, it doesn't matter if you think you can hold your liquor. Do not do it. His nana doesn't need to hear your drunken recollections and she certainly doesn't want to have to hold your hair back while you puke. (But she probably would, nanas are like that) Limit yourself to one. If anyone asks, just say you are driving.  The biggest meet the family rule is to be yourself. Don't try to conform yourself  to what you think his family is looking for. My friend pretended to be super domestic for her boyfriend's   super traditional mother and got a cookbook for her troubles. This is the girl who burns grilled cheese. Don't pretend you want tons of kids just because she yearns for grandkids or that you can cook just because she doubles as Betty Crocker. Can't cook? Bring a bottle of wine. It's the thought that counts.
      And if this seems like too much effort to put in, just do what Jamie Foxx does in Valentine's Day. Just shut your game down between Halloween and St. Patrick's Day. One less person to gift for...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the Friend Zone

       Last year I was at a party/small gathering/sausage fest and my friend's roommate had a girl over, thus keeping me from being the lone female. It was a pretty typical evening and as usual my guy friends were giving me plenty of shit. (It's how I know they love me ;) ) Suddenly, girl-whose-name-I -don't-remember-because-after-this-she-completely-disappeared-from-my-life (I say this lovingly and gratefully, it's these slutty one night stands of my friends that give me something to blog about) whipped around with a fury. She looked at me and said " Do NOT let them talk to you like that!" I was baffled. Like what? Yeah they were being vulgar and rude, but hey, that's also exactly how they talk to each other. I wasn't a girlfriend or a new romantic interest for them to be polite to. To most of them, I'm just one of the dudes. And that's how I prefer it.
        This does however come back to bite me in the ass all the time. I meet a new guy, he's fabulous and inevitably I get friend zoned. Why? Because I act like just one of the guys. (Which isn't exactly a turn on) But that is my default setting. So we meet, we hang out and they get comfortable. Pretty soon I can tell you their whole romantic--and not so romantic- history, including all the gross things no potential girlfriend should ever hear about.
        It's a catch 22 really, because at the end I add to my friend pool with pretty awesome guys, but my dating pool is now one of those little baby bath tub things. For me, I would rather have friends anyway, but for all you girls out there with lots of brothers or male friends, THIS IS EXACTLY HOW YOU get friend zoned. He doesn't want to snuggle with his best dude friend and keep it up with the potty mouth and that's exactly how he will see you. Especially if you have little breasts...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Dick

         Every once in a great while, a rare occurrence happens. Even more rare than Hayley's Comet or zombie attacks. Every once in a great while I... am attracted to someone who is not attracted back. Shocking, I know, but it DOES happen to everyone, even my glorious self. This past year I became good friends with someone and decided I wanted to take that friendship in to the relationship station. I hopped right on that train. And he...did not.
        Cue sad pathetic girls' nights trashing men. Ice cream and tissues flying everywhere, way too much Taylor Swift on the playlists and that just from the roommates who had to deal with me ;) But in girl world friends rally and do all they can to console you. Suddenly you are all ganging up on this guy and he becomes the worst guy EVER. He's a jerk, he's an ass, you're too good for him anyway.
      But wait. What did this guy ACTUALLY do wrong? He is your friend, spends time with you usually doing something YOU like, answers your calls and texts and is generally just a great person. Not wanting to get naked with you isn't a character flaw. Remember, just because he HAS a dick, doesn't mean he IS one...
     

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the O Word

       I went out with someone recently and we decided to go out to eat afterwards. He asked where I wanted to go eat and I said I didn't care. I wasn't trying to be easygoing or cute, I have  only lived here about a month. Thus I've been to two places to eat, Panera and Olive Garden. It's not that I didn't have an opinion, I just didn't know any other restaurants. I did tell him however, what kind of food I liked and he picked a place based on that.
Normal, healthy people don't want to date a doormat. (I have clarify that, because I am sure there are control freaks who would LOVE to date a doormat) Have an opinion. Nobody wants to make all the decisions all the time. It's not being agreeable, it's just annoying. If someone is asking your opinion it is because THEY WANT IT. Don't be worried they are going to get stuck doing something you love and they hate. They are more than welcome to express their opinion too.
       There is no point in going to do something with someone if you have to make all the choices. At that point, they will probably just stop asking you to come too.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Racing to the Finish Line

I am getting older. It is sad but true. The vast majority of my friends are settling down, getting married or having kids. Do I want kids? Absolutely. Do I want a husband? Sometimes haha. But that doesn't mean I need to go out tonight and rope some poor sap into saying "I do".
     In our society today everything is a competition to see how many items on your check list you can get to before someone else. But do really want to spend the rest of your life with someone because they came into it at a time when you are feeling desperate? If someone treats you poorly now, do you really think that is going to improve over time? Don't put up with a shit relationship just because you feel like you should be at a certain point in your life. If you are "settling" now try spending twenty years with that person.
My friend who has been married since we were 18 has a pretty awesome life. She has two beautiful kids, a great house and a loving husband. But that doesnt make my life being single and traveling the world less amazing. Just a different kind of awesome.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the Green Eyed Monster

I've always liked to think that I am not a jealous person. Partly, this is because I tend to think I am so much more intelligent than other people and really what else do you need? (Aside from a healthy dose of modesty, which clearly I lack) In relationships I don't get jealous because if someone is going to cheat on you, they aren't worth your time. I don't have any sort of keeping up with the Joneses envy, so I never begrudge anyone their newest toys or gadgets.  Recently though I have a been visited by the green eyed monster.

I accept that this is not a very attractive quality and I have been trying to tamp down on my jealousy (pretty unsuccessfully I may add) but in all this attempted self improvement and  psychoanalysis is has occurred to me, do I really want this thing or do I merely just want someone else to NOT have it? When I needed to find a home for my cats, a girl I was not very fond of wanted to take one. And I did NOT want her to have it. (She wanted to change the cat's name to something stupid and a bit racist) But was it really fair for me to send the cat to a worse fate in a shelter rather than let this girl have it? Would I rather throw the rest of my sandwich away than share it with someone I am not close buddies with? So why doom a person you may only be marginally romantically interested in to loneliness merely because you don't want them to be with someone else or to be with them yourself?

Sometimes we as people need to step back and evaluate our motives and feelings. Instead of reacting to the instant slap of jealousy, take a moment and figure out why you feel that way. Then, punch that green eyed monster right back in the face.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Making an Ass Out of You and Me

Recently a good friend of mine directed his semi new girlfriend to my blog to read. She confused me with a girl he had "dated" in the past and had some not so nice comments about what she read. He had assumed she would find it funny and that we would really get along but she came in prepared to hate me for the imagined crime of having been with her man. 

Girls are the queens of making assumptions. I do it all the time. I make snap judgements about people. Which, while still not good, is still better than going in with a preconceived notion of someone based on what you have heard. Gossip, in a shocking twist, is not always accurate and it isn't fair to hate someone based on a lie. I have been told many "facts" about myself, that were known by everyone but me. There is nothing more frustrating than being told you did something when you know that you haven't but having no one believe you because they have HEARD IT. 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm completely okay with justified hatred. I tend to hate most people in fact. But it's a whole different ball game to hate someone pbased on assumptions. And you know what they say when you assume...

(PS to the new girlfriend, yes I do think quite highly of myself and no I'm not that weird...)

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Sour Milk

Imagine you walk to the fridge, grab the milk, take a big ole swig and it's sour. Do you cap it, put it back on the shelf and save it for another day? So ladies, why do you do this with men? Sour milk isn't going to magically unexpire in the fridge and an asshole isn't going to magically morph into a nice guy. 

(I'm hypocritically posting this blog by request, as a friend of mine has fallen back into the pattern of ex sex)

Recently I sat down with my ex to have a serious heart to heart and like an idiot, all my old feelings came rushing back. He said all the right things, exactly what I wanted to hear and then two days later he walked out of my life again. (I will say in his defense, he cruised out of my life, as the company switched his ship) Here I am, left behind like a fool because I was stupid enough to get reinvolved with someone who had already hurt me. 

I've said it before and I will say it again, exes are exes for a reason. It didn't work out, it's not going to work out, so stop going back to the fridge for sour milk. It's only going to make you sick in the end...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Blow Up Dolls

If a guy wants a blow up doll, he can go buy one. If he's talking to you don't pretend to be stupid just to sleep with him. (Don't get me wrong, I'm sure some of you are just stupid) I have the misfortune of hearing one of the same four conversations from the same person every time I go to the bar. I think that's her game. Now, I do think she swims in the more shallow end of the gene pool, however I think she plays up how stupid she is to get booty. And it works for her. But she is a big ho, because once it's over nobody goes back for a second time around. If she is looking for quantity rather than quality than she is on the right track. But the novelty of a blow up doll wears off rather quickly and so does the novelty of a girl that has nothing more to offer than the doll. After all, look at Jessica Simpson. 

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Shady Bitches

Recently one of my friends hooked up with a guy she liked. He's a nice guy and her type of good looking. In any other situation this would be a win. However this time, it cost her a friend. Why? Not because she did anything wrong, but because girls are shady bitches. 

This guy and her have a mutual good friend who the guy spends a lot of time with. My friend has asked the other girl on numerous occasions if she was romantically interested in the guy. Shady Girl has always said no and that they are just friends. He has said the same. So my friend assumed the path was clear there and one night without any pre-planning, it went down. 

Shady Girl found out and was furious. She refused to speak to my friend for days and when she finally did she claimed MF "should have known" that she liked the guy.  WTF?!? When did MF become a mind reader? If you ask a FRIEND about their feelings for someone then they owe you the courtesy of honesty. If they aren't honest with you, then they should only be angry with themselves. For being a sketchy liar. 

The absurdity of this was enough to label this girl Shady Bitchy, but unfortunately it doesn't end there. Despite her refusal to talk to my friend, she continued on like nothing happened with the guy. Heads up ladies, it takes two to tango. If, after the fact, you are going to refer to yourself as "together" with a guy, wouldn't he be equally if not more culpable than the friend who you said nothing was happening to?

Why do women do this? If you are going to let some guy treat you like crap then isn't only fair that their friends are allowed to treat them the same? If you are going to lie straight to your friends face, does she really owe you anything? All of this could have been avoided with a little honesty or barring that, a little understanding after the fact. If nothing else, at least tar the guy with the same brush you've dropped a friend for. 

But no, women are shady. And bitches.  

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the 411

The only thing that spreads faster than herpes on ships is gossip. True or not true, nobody cares. If you went to dinner, rented a movie or made generally any other action while on or around the boat, don't waste time telling your friends about it. They already know. 

Currently I am rumored to be hooking up with a musician. While he is certainly attractive and we do spend a lot of time together, nothing romantic ensues. But ships have the same mentality as middle school girls and obviously a mixed gender friendship is impossible without any hanky panky. 

I don't mind that people think that or that they ask me. What does irritate me however is that nobody believes me when I insist that I didn't. I am a pretty honest person. If I say i didn't do something, I didn't. But gossip doesn't care. 

The moral here isn't that ship folk gossip worse than Regina George. It's that no matter where you are in life, people will talk about you. You need to accept it. If you don't want people talking about it, don't do it. If you couldn't talk about it with your mom, don't do it. Don't engage in some horrible or embarrassing behaviors and then whine when everyone find out. You brought it on yourself. 

If I really cared people were making such a big deal about me hanging out with the musician, I would stop doing it. But honestly? I don't give a fuck. 

Rumours happen. Even Adele sings about it. Life lesson learned. 

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Beauty and the Bitch

I'm pretty sure I spend what the average (and responsible) person spends a year for mortgage on makeup. Just my make up bag alone cost fifty dollars. And that baby is bulging at the seams. It's not that I am particularly vainglorious or that I cake the makeup on. To be honest I don't even do my makeup everyday. But, in times of high stress, I shop for makeup. So needless to say, I have a lot. 

I used to joke that I was a stress cutter. (Not to make light of mental illness) When I was stressed, I would cut my hair. Or dye it. Or alter my appearance in some way. But this has resulted in five years of me trying to grow my hair out. So I have given up on the hair cutting and moved on to an obsession with makeup. And it really does make me feel better. I can walk into the shop, get a mini makeover and walk out with all the products they used, feeling like a whole new gal. Bank balance aside, it's an easy fix.

However there is a deeper psychological question to be posed here. Why does my stress/happiness level directly correlate to my appearance? Why do I need to look good to feel good? Even if you cannot relate to my shopping binges, every girl knows that when you head out feeling you like you look amazing, you automatically feel more amazing overall. Compare how you feel when you've just rolled out of bed in sweats to when you are in your favorite outfit, on a skinny day, with your hair and makeup all cooperating (every girl gets this, every guy has no idea). It's no contest.

People are constantly critiquing their bodies. "If I could just lose 5 or 10 more pounds, my life would be so much better". Why? Would your job suddenly suck less? Would you earn more? Be smarter? Suddenly develop a hidden talent or start reading more Tolstoy? No. You would just conform better to society's ideal opinion of a woman.

At the end of the day I am pretty happy with myself. I may not have Maxim's idea of a hot bod, but I think I look feminine and can throw together a decent outfit. While I may not be a face that launched a thousand ships I have no obvious deformities and I wear makeup well. My hair is a white person Afro, but then we all have our crosses to bear. I know that depending on makeup to cheer me up seems pathetic, but I do genuinely like who I am. Your appearance isn't going to change that fact that you are a shitty person inside, so remember that that is what really matters. Our society places a high premium on looks but there is no concealer for douchebaggery. 

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Red Flags

   I like to think that I am a smart girl. That I have plenty of common sense. And for the most part, I do. But once in a while I am so blind when it comes to men that I think it must be deliberate on the part of my subconscious. However there are a plethora of ladies out there more clueless than me. And it is to them I query, how do you miss such obvious red flags?

- If he carries a condom in his pocket AT ALL TIMES, "just in case"...

- If he refuses to be seen with you leaving the bar, out to the movies or just in public at all...

- If he won't accept your Facebook friend request, then says its because he never is on it, then sends you a Facebook message...

- If he only talks to you when he has been drinking...

- If he only talks to you when YOU have been drinking...

- If he only laughs when you ask him if he has a girlfriend...

       If you can answer yes to one or more of these scenarios, RED FLAG! Steer clear baby because there is a shark in the water.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Pushovers

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt

     Most of my blog post ideas come from real life. Usually my own life, as I have enough material for an infinite amount of posts. Sometimes I post about the lives of my friends. Today my post was inspired, largely in part, to a movie. I have had the idea for this post in my brain for a while, but I have been letting it ruminate around in my mind. Then yesterday it really struck home with me and today the movie I watched clinched it. 

      Anyone who has ever been to high school has, at one point, felt insecure and self conscious to some degree. But what about the rest of your life? Isn't it supposed to get better? Sadly it doesn't work that way. Nobody hands you a road map to the rest of your life with your diploma. And unfortunately, those people who made you feel bad about yourself? They graduated too. No matter where you are, there is always going to be someone trying to tear you down.

      The sad reality, however, is that it is not always the expected source hurting you. Everyone has a friend who takes advantage of them. It is natural in any relationship. Someone is the giver, someone is the taker. Eventually the giver ends up giving up their own happiness. Because that is the truth. Nobody can take from you something you aren't willing to give. 

      If you have ever read my blog before then you are familiar with the ups and downs of my love life, including the smashing of the watch. Recently I have been trapped in an environment with the watch owner. And like a fool I got sucked right back in. And where did this leave me? In the same place I was before. I willingly gave him an opening and he smashed right in and hurt me. But who is the bigger idiot in this picture? Yes he treated me poorly. But I LET HIM. I made that decision and it came right back and bit me on the ass. Now hopefully I have learned my lesson. 

     Sadly, it isn't only men who treat us badly. I would estimate that most of a female's insecurity comes from girl on girl mind violence. This is the whole concept of frenemies. What the fuck is a frenemy? Men don't have frenemies. If they don't like someone, they just don't hang out with them. Simple as that. Why the hell can't women do that? 

      Recently I had a serious heart to heart with someone (see, occasionally I can possess a bit of a soul) about how sad they were and how they felt friendless. Eventually I just told her that yes her friends do suck, but there is nothing she can do to change that. Either get over it or get new friends. Nobody is ever going to wake up one day and stop being an asshole. It just doesn't work that way, no matter what Hollywood wants us to believe. If someone uses you they are just going to just keep on using you until YOU put a stop to it. 

     So ladies, put your damn foot down. You are not a floor mat, nobody can walk all over you. Stop letting people treat you poorly because eventually that becomes your standard and most of you deserve better than that. Remember you cannot change other people but you can change yourself. So get up and walk away. 

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Aversion Therapy

       Today I was watching Friends and it was an episode where Phoebe was trying to help Rachel get over Ross. She tried slapping her in the face while Rachel looked at a picture of Ross. She also tried to remind Rachel how greasy Ross' hair is. But what struck me was when she told Rach to make a list of all the annoying things about Ross. (Poor, nerdy Ross haha) I do this. I am a rampant list maker. I also really like pro and con lists. (When I was breaking up with my ex, a con was that he is from South America, where it is too hot to have my favorite kind of dog. Yes. The cons can be that ridiculous.)
        Especially when you are single or going through a bad breakup, it can be so easy to place past relationships on a pedestal. But you have to remember that you broke up for a reason. Through the hazy glass of time it can be easy to forget how your ex talked down to you or was a lazy bastard who never took you out and only remember what a good kisser he was or what it felt like to have someone to go to the movies with.
         If you feel yourself starting to backslide, pull a Rachel. Remind yourself of all the things you hated about your ex, like that they only ordered chicken Caesar salad at restaurants when they went out to eat. Make a list. Maybe even hang it up. And if that doesn't work, you could always have your bestie smack you in the face...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the Clap

          The other day, a friend texted me about being stood up on a date. Then today, she texted me that the guy that had stood her up had slept over. So this mystery man, who she barely knew, went from standing her up to sleeping over all in the span of like three days. With no make up date in between. Sheer desperation.
         
         Being desperate is not how you get a successful, happy relationship. Being desperate is how you get chlamydia...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Clues

       We all have dumb friends. I get that there are different kinds of smart, not everyone likes to read the dictionary for fun. (Not that anyone I know does that, especially not me. Cough cough.) But book smarts aside there are some girls that are just oblivious to what seems so obvious to everyone else. So here are a few common ones, broken down for all you clueless gals.

1. If a guy isn't responding to your texts...

...Then he isn't interested. The beauty of texting is that it just lingers there on the phone until a person gets to it. So even if they are too busy when the texts arrives at noon, I doubt they have literally zero free time for the next seven days. Forgetting to answer a few times is okay, if it is an every time thing, take the hint.

2. If it's after two...

...Then he is just trying to eff you. Now I didn't make this one up, it is a common saying but some people still miss the point. And don't use two o'clock as the exact cut off point. If a guy is only contacting you to hang out in the wee hours of the night, after all the bar flies have turned him down at last call then he isn't really that into you. He just wants to be in you. (Sorry that was graphic and gross, I know, but once I typed it I was committed to keeping in the article haha)

3. If he just rolls over...

...And makes it very clear he wants you to leave, then he is just using you for booty. Not everyone is a cuddler, true, but there is a difference between going to sleep after and clearly wanting you to be gone because they are done with you.

As much as you want to convince yourself that he really cares about you and your friends all play along, these three things are pretty self explanatory. Stop lying to yourself and use the clue to solve the riddle Nancy Drew...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Anna Nicole Smith

    Everyone has heard about beer goggles. You get drunk and suddenly the schlub in the corner seems so much more witty and attractive. On cruise ships, there is a lack of single, straight men over the height over 5'3''. Thus the phrase of "ship goggles". (Read about my recent relationships and you'll have an "aha" moment!) On ships you consider men you wouldn't even think twice about looking at normally. Even if the guy is a dreamboat physically, there's a high chance he is a tool. But you shrug and accept it, because that's the best you can get on the ship. Basically you settle.
         The concept of settling isn't something exclusive to ships. Look at gold diggers. Anna Nicole settled for that old guy, not because she couldn't do better, but because he had something other than looks to offer. Which was oodles and oodles of money. However, even a handsome, successful doctor can be considered settling if he doesn't treat you well.
        Everyone has a type or standards. But every now and then it is okay to date outside of your usual picks and choose someone that may not be your type. (Maybe this means I will branch out and actually date a white skinned man in the near future!) You could find a guy who may not be your Brad Pitt but who treats you incredibly well. He may only be a 6 instead of a 10, but that isn't settling. That is having the good fortune to find someone who values you and makes you feel special. (I say six, but I am a firm believer in being attracted to your partner. There's a difference between finding your date attractive and having them be typical model hot)
        What is considered settling, is being with someone who doesn't treat you well. Someone who hits you is a definite no-no, but there are other types of abuse. You should never settle for someone who puts you down or makes you feel bad about yourself. Being in a relationship is supposed to make you happy, not miserable. I always say I would rather be single and loving life than "in love" and unhappy. (Then again I always say I would rather be fat and happy than skinny and hungry so perhaps we don't all have the same priorities)
           Remember that no one is perfect, so don't set your standards impossibly high. But, it is always good to have SOME standards and not settle completely. Otherwise, you could end up like those toothless girls on Maury that are the secret mistresses of the hideous trailer park kings, who don't even treat them nicely...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Stalking and Moving On

         
       The guy before my current boyfriend was a player. Which is widely accepted in my social circle but nonetheless sucks. So obviously, before we had officially even ended it, he was out scoping the next piece of ass. (And I must just modestly say, my ass is way nicer) Bits of mini melodrama ensued, I moved on, I assumed he did too. Then one day, a picture of Playerface and Piece of Ass popped up in my Stalkerbook newsfeed. I was transfixed by this photo. I will even admit that I forwarded it with an "I KNEW IT!" caption. I had moved on, why did I care? And why did I spend the next week or so combing photos and monitoring his activity?
        I read a study recently that said some ridiculously high number of people are some high percentage of unhappy because they are unable to move on from their ex and the problem is exacerbated by online stalking. What baffles me is that there was even a study on this. Doesn't this seem like the most evident  thing in the world? Stop wasting money on these lame studies and go cure cancer scientists of the world. (Who are probably far too and important to read my blog, but if one happens to stumble my way, now you know how I feel)
          My first serious boyfriend won't be my Facebook friend. Yes, that's a little painful. But honestly it saves me so much stalking. Even though I consider myself hotter than his current girlfriend, they seem very much in love and happy, at least according to their social networks. You are never going to find what you are looking for when you creep. There is rarely going to be evidence that your ex is so much worse off without you. So stop looking for it. Worry about yourself. You will be so much happier making your own life happen than obsessively following someone else's life via social media.
           In the end, I unfriended both the player and the piece of ass. They are probably too busy having sloppy seconds sex to even notice, but at least I feel better about it. Aside from writing this blog post, he hasn't really popped into my mind. Probably because he can no longer pop up unexpected in my newsfeed. So do yourself a favor ladies and just erase that ass from your friends' list AND your life. It feels incredibly good.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About High Fashion

When you are the only female out with six or more guys out drinking, don't wear a sheer shirt.

That is all.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Over the Shoulder Boulder Holders

            Crew laundry is the bane of my existence. Once, I came back to find someone had taken all of my laundry out of the dryer and put it in a basket. Nice right? Except for the fact that all of my underwear had magically made its way to the top of the pile. Which really creeped me out. Ever since then I handwash all of my underwear and bras in my sink. (According to the girls at VS, you are supposed to hand wash your bras anyway...) Due to my living under the ocean with intense amounts of humidity and the sheer volume of fabric needed to adequately cover my chest, it takes quite some time for my bras to air dry. And because of sketchy sink water, they turn an odd color fairly quickly. So I have to buy new bras quite often. Recently I walked into Victoria's Secret and walked out one hundred and sixty dollars cheaper and only three bras richer. But for me, spending that much every few months is worth it.
         Bras are my pet peeve. Not my own. But other women's. They are one of those things that I always immediately notice. (Weird? Yes I know. Some people are crazy about hair or fashion, for me, brassieres.) There are a few breast region faux paus that drive me up a wall.
          The biggest one is the incorrect bra for what kind of top you are wearing. If you are wearing a racer back top, a standard bra will stick out. Ditto if you try to pull off a regular bra with an asymmetrical top. There are so many gadgets now a days that would solve these tacky problems. Invest in a good multi way bra. These are bras that are convertible. They can criss cross, become strapless and so much more. Tuck your straps in. Its just a classier look.
          Once upon a time, someone thought clear plastic bra straps were a good solution to the strapless bra problem. THEY WERE NOT. If you are wearing plastic bra straps, they are not invisible. We can all SEE them! And it's just tacky folks. Don't do it. I have size DDD breasts. If I can find a strapless bra that works for me, so can you. (Okay yes, it comes with four hooks. Sexy it is not, but useful it is.) They may cost a little more than a ten dollar plastic strap bra, but you cannot put a price on pride in your appearance.
                  My last quirk strikes a little close to home. For years, I refused to accept that my boobs had gotten bigger and continued to stuff them into a C bra. While this did offer me a lovely cleavage, it caused a whole lot of double boob. Girls, I know bras are expensive and I know sometimes we don't want to admit our boons have gotten bigger or we've gained weight. But suck it up and stop stuffing your breasts into too tight bras.
              Recently I read an article about whether or not bras are actually good for your boobs. And it turns out, it doesn't matter if you wear one or not. But for all of our sakes, wear one anyway. No one wants to see your nip slip or boobies hanging to your knees.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Strippers

             A good man friend of mine is getting married soon. Another friend of mine is in the wedding party. He is quite upset that the bride to be has banned strippers from the bachelor party. As has the best man's girlfriend. And "quite upset" is putting it mildly. And believe it or not, I agree for several reasons.
        First of all, when I get married, there had better be a Channing Tatum-in-Magic-Mike exotic dancer wannabe thrusting his oiled self all in my business to some trashy nineties song. (Please make note and make this happen best friends. Don't forget in the next thirty years it takes me to find a man) That's right. I said it. I want a stripper. Strippers are HILARIOUS. Bonus points if my friend can find me a midget stripper a la Tucker Max or Chelsea Handler. Because that would be even funnier. Strippers, ladies, are entertainment! Yes there is a whole legion of men who haunt strip clubs and creepishly envision themselves with the dancers. But more than likely (and I hope) you are not marrying one of the those men. So stop being so jealous and let your man have some fun. Chances are your fellow is going to be more embarrassed or shy than anything else. And if you're really worried (well then you shouldn't be marrying someone you don't trust, but that is a topic for another blog post) then send along a brother or stern older cousin to keep an eye for you.
         My other viewpoint on it is this. When you are telling someone they are not allowed to do something, that implies they need your permission. Girls, there is a HUGE difference between being a wife and a mother. Your boyfriend/fiance/eff buddy that you desperately want to be something more/whatever DOES NOT NEED TO ASK YOUR PERMISSION. You are more than welcome to express your opinion and if it differs from his, sit down and discuss it. Maybe you are not comfortable with strippers and he doesn't really want to spend the extra three grand so all your lame cousins can have plus ones. COMPROMISE folks! Banning things from your boy usually ends in two ways. Imagine you really want to buy some beautiful accessory of your choice (I myself am a shoe gal), with your own money and your beau tells you no way. He doesn't allow it. Of course your back is going to go up. If this happens over and over again, eventually you are going to get resentful. Resentful people do not make for happy relationships. Or, due to extreme peer pressure and ribbing from his friends, he may decide to sneak the strippers behind your back. And if he already has to lie about having them, then what's another lie about kissing them? Or about any other thing he has to sneak down the line?
           Remember, you are not their mothers. Once in a while, they may do something you do not like. Discus it like rational adults and give in sometimes. You can't always win. A relationship is about give and take not rules and saying no.
          So ladies, if your men want to get dirty stripper sweat all over them, give them some singles and say have at it! Just make sure they get vaccines after.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Taylor Swift

The above photo is proof of my craziness. And committing this story to internet fame means I will probably never get another date again. But that is just how much I love all of you.

           When Taylor Swift breaks up with a guy, she writes a song about it. It may seem a little wacky but it helps her move on. And moving on is very important. So for once, I will endorse insane woman behavior and encourage post breakup psychopathia. Now I am not saying because a crazed hermit her spends all of her time Facebook stalking (or real life stalking) her ex, but some happy middle ground between Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" will do you good.
          My ex boyfriend was a douche. I know most women will say this, but mine actually really was. A lot of men in my life I can say are good people, they are just not right for me. This guy is actual scum of the earth. One night after a particularly irksome email, I hurled his watch against the floor. And the back popped off. And it felt GOOD. Granted reality set in and so did the notorious Catholic guilt. I was going to buy him a new watch. But when I brought it with me on vacation to meet up with him, the reunion did not go as planned. He was cheating on me. While I was there. We were together for one week out of six months and he couldn't keep it in his pants for that one week. When I realized what was going on, I was immediately consumed with the rage that only a true Irish-Italian Bostonian can feel. This time merely throwing his watch was not enough. I smacked it against the table and when that proved ineffective against quality craftsmanship my friend stuck it under the leg of the bed and then jumped on the bed. And man, did it feel good. (As did sticking all of the pieces in an envelope and giving them back to him later)
           For my male readers out there, you are probably now horrified at this stage. (Just like eating your feelings, men will never get it) But I am a firm believer in a good emotional catharsis. So however you choose to move on be it destruction of goods, burning of all of his photos (not that I have done that too), or just blasting Taylor Swift revenge music and crying into your ice cream (okay, okay I am guilty of all three) do something to help yourself move on. It is so much healthy to have a brief burst of crazy than to dwell for months. And for goodness sake, change out of your pajamas and stop stalking him on Facebook. In fact, unfriend him right now. Then maybe buy a Zippo, just in case.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Giving AND Receiving

         Despite being a heinous bitch, I am oddly compassionate. If someone seems to be in a bad mood, I try to cheer them up. If someone is hungry, I whip them up an elaborate meal. And if someone is a shitty friend, I put in so much effort to improve our friendship. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that.
          This past winter I found myself in a situation with few friends. (See aforementioned heinous bitch comment) Most of my coworkers were older than me and none of them were native English speakers. Many of my jokes are highly sarcastic and if English isn't your first language they tend to fall flat. It made for a rough few months. There was one person at work who was around my age and being from England, got all of my sarcasm. But this person was a flake. No matter how amazing I was, he was always hesitant to make plans, citing that he "doesn't do that" even though I would overhear him plan making with other people. I found myself in the situation where I was often (about 93% of the time haha) the one calling him or seeking him out. This would seem like a desperate for love type ploy, except that it was strictly platonic and I was just desperate for a friend. I did meet other people, but foolish me, I was consumed with the need to make this person a good friend and missed out on other amazing friendship opportunities. And all this got me was snorkelling alone on my birthday. Lesson learned.
         Sadly this wasn't my first foray into the unfair world of give and take. Right before that I had been in a long distance relationship. Humbly, I will say that I was an awesome LDR girlfriend. I sent cards and gifts, was available for Skype pretty much all the time and would never call my boyfriend out on his bullshit, because I was convinced that since we only got a little time together over webchat, I didn't want to waste it fighting. Yeah, I was THAT GIRL. And in this end, this one came back to bite me in the ass as well. In the form of rampant unfaithfulness.
           If you are giving 90%, then that person only needs to give ten, not another ninety. There is no need for them to waste their time when you are so clearly already available to them. Why exude energy being a good friend/boyfriend/whatever when it takes so much less effort to be sucky and you keep coming back for more anyway?
        If someone sucks in a relationship, it is THEIR fault, not YOURS. Do not fall prey to feeling like you are not enough for them. They are the ones lacking. If someone truly values you, they should want to make you happy not drag you down. So if you find yourself the victim of an emotional parasite, RUN AWAY. You are so much better than that, even if you are sort of a douche, like me. There will always be someone out there who loves you anyway. (I am not even going to mention monetary parasite, assuming all of my readers are smart enough to keep themselves out of that situation) Do not let anyone drain you of your happiness, because in the end its not going to make them better, it is just going to make you worse.
        Though I will end with, someone needs to inform my siblings of the give and take standard, otherwise I am totally going to stop buying them gifts.

Shit I Wish Guys Knew

  I know, I know. This blog is supposed to be about the deranged things women do. And trust me, there are a lot of things I can write about. In the past six months or so I have seen a wide variety of crazy lady behavior. And don't worry, those stories are coming...
      Today's post was inspired by my foray into foreign dating. South American men, for example, will have no problem putting you out there. I know a guy who calls his wife "mi gorda". Is she a little chubby? Yes. Would I kill my husband for calling me "my fat girl"? HELL YES. But lest you think this happens with just foreign men, think back to any sort of "I cannot believe he just said that" moment you have had. Seriously men, what the hell were you thinking?
          So I have started us off, with a few that have been tossed out to me lately. Feel free to add your own!
1. "You have such BIG LEGS"
Yes this has been said to me. This has been said to me more than once, by more than one man. Do I have legs that tend to the largish side? Absolutely. But I like to live in a world where that is pure muscle and no one notices. These men completely shattered my illusion. (Three men in case anyone was keeping count. Three separate men have said this to me. All using the word BIG) WTF.
2. "I have never seen you without makeup"
In case anyone is just tuning into my blog, I am incredibly vain. If any of you out there with bills and responsibilities and real lives knew around how much I actually spend on makeup every month it would be repulsive. So needless to say, I wear alot. Not necessarily alot at one time, but a wide variety of looks and colors. Recently I came down with a fever and I was dying. I crawled into bed with wet hair (which really created it's own set of problems with my white girl fro) and no makeup. When my fella came calling later, he only managed a "how are you feeling?" before emitting his shock at my lack of makeup face. (Just to set the scene, I have naturally blonde eyelashes. BLONDE) Way to kick me when I am down babe. He should have just pretended he never noticed the difference.
3. "Do you have a pimple?"
This little gem was said to me during a long distance portion of my relationship. Did I have a pimple? Yes. Did I think it was noticeable via Skype? No. My beau quickly set the record straight about that. I was absolutely mortified and I think I managed to convince him that it was in fact, just something on the camera screen. But really, who SAYS that??
 4. The real lesson learned lately has been to never ask a Latino man if you look fat in an outfit, picture, etc. He WILL tell you.

I know that alot of time women bring it upon themselves by hinting around for compliments and looking for positive reinforcement. And yes, that is a little annoying and desperate. But GENTLEMAN, please for the sake of our egos, just tell her what she wants to hear and NEVER point out her flaws. Thank you from all of womankind.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Wonderland

For those of you who may be reading my blog and not actually know me, my real name is Alyce. Growing up, this caused lots of irritating movie references. It didn't help that I am blonde and that the train station in the town I grew up in is in fact, called Wonderland Station. So I have always resenting the fictional character. But I can now easily say, the past five months or so, I have in fact been living in Wonderland.

You may, if you are a faithful reader (I am presumptuous enough to think I have at least one or two of you out there) have noticed that I have not updated my blog in quite so time. At first I blamed it on living in a small town in middle America where I had recently moved. How could I update with no material? Then I blamed it on my job on cruise ships (where, trust me, there is more than enough material) and the fact that I have to pay for internet. But ladies and perhaps the lone gentleman who reads my blog, the truth stands that I was in Wonderland. It was a fantasy entirely of my making. I thought that I was a Disney princess or the heroine in a Taylor Swift song and that everything was going to magically fall into place.

One of my last posts was about looking in the mirror. And I hate to say that even after I posted that I still had a hard time taking my own advice. I was sucked into a pretty awful dating situation. As much as everyone likes to tell themselves they are different and it is going to all work out for them, I wasn't different and it didn't work out for me.

Currently a lot of Ben and Jerry's and chick flicks are helping me get over that. But I can't help to think that I only have myself to blame. So for 2013 I am definitely going to blog more, including dishing on the shitshow that has been my love life the past six months and why you should never ever be as dumb as me. So stayed tuned and hopefully, learn from my mistakes, because in 2012 I learned there's still some shit I wish I knew...