Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Aversion Therapy

       Today I was watching Friends and it was an episode where Phoebe was trying to help Rachel get over Ross. She tried slapping her in the face while Rachel looked at a picture of Ross. She also tried to remind Rachel how greasy Ross' hair is. But what struck me was when she told Rach to make a list of all the annoying things about Ross. (Poor, nerdy Ross haha) I do this. I am a rampant list maker. I also really like pro and con lists. (When I was breaking up with my ex, a con was that he is from South America, where it is too hot to have my favorite kind of dog. Yes. The cons can be that ridiculous.)
        Especially when you are single or going through a bad breakup, it can be so easy to place past relationships on a pedestal. But you have to remember that you broke up for a reason. Through the hazy glass of time it can be easy to forget how your ex talked down to you or was a lazy bastard who never took you out and only remember what a good kisser he was or what it felt like to have someone to go to the movies with.
         If you feel yourself starting to backslide, pull a Rachel. Remind yourself of all the things you hated about your ex, like that they only ordered chicken Caesar salad at restaurants when they went out to eat. Make a list. Maybe even hang it up. And if that doesn't work, you could always have your bestie smack you in the face...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the Clap

          The other day, a friend texted me about being stood up on a date. Then today, she texted me that the guy that had stood her up had slept over. So this mystery man, who she barely knew, went from standing her up to sleeping over all in the span of like three days. With no make up date in between. Sheer desperation.
         
         Being desperate is not how you get a successful, happy relationship. Being desperate is how you get chlamydia...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Clues

       We all have dumb friends. I get that there are different kinds of smart, not everyone likes to read the dictionary for fun. (Not that anyone I know does that, especially not me. Cough cough.) But book smarts aside there are some girls that are just oblivious to what seems so obvious to everyone else. So here are a few common ones, broken down for all you clueless gals.

1. If a guy isn't responding to your texts...

...Then he isn't interested. The beauty of texting is that it just lingers there on the phone until a person gets to it. So even if they are too busy when the texts arrives at noon, I doubt they have literally zero free time for the next seven days. Forgetting to answer a few times is okay, if it is an every time thing, take the hint.

2. If it's after two...

...Then he is just trying to eff you. Now I didn't make this one up, it is a common saying but some people still miss the point. And don't use two o'clock as the exact cut off point. If a guy is only contacting you to hang out in the wee hours of the night, after all the bar flies have turned him down at last call then he isn't really that into you. He just wants to be in you. (Sorry that was graphic and gross, I know, but once I typed it I was committed to keeping in the article haha)

3. If he just rolls over...

...And makes it very clear he wants you to leave, then he is just using you for booty. Not everyone is a cuddler, true, but there is a difference between going to sleep after and clearly wanting you to be gone because they are done with you.

As much as you want to convince yourself that he really cares about you and your friends all play along, these three things are pretty self explanatory. Stop lying to yourself and use the clue to solve the riddle Nancy Drew...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Anna Nicole Smith

    Everyone has heard about beer goggles. You get drunk and suddenly the schlub in the corner seems so much more witty and attractive. On cruise ships, there is a lack of single, straight men over the height over 5'3''. Thus the phrase of "ship goggles". (Read about my recent relationships and you'll have an "aha" moment!) On ships you consider men you wouldn't even think twice about looking at normally. Even if the guy is a dreamboat physically, there's a high chance he is a tool. But you shrug and accept it, because that's the best you can get on the ship. Basically you settle.
         The concept of settling isn't something exclusive to ships. Look at gold diggers. Anna Nicole settled for that old guy, not because she couldn't do better, but because he had something other than looks to offer. Which was oodles and oodles of money. However, even a handsome, successful doctor can be considered settling if he doesn't treat you well.
        Everyone has a type or standards. But every now and then it is okay to date outside of your usual picks and choose someone that may not be your type. (Maybe this means I will branch out and actually date a white skinned man in the near future!) You could find a guy who may not be your Brad Pitt but who treats you incredibly well. He may only be a 6 instead of a 10, but that isn't settling. That is having the good fortune to find someone who values you and makes you feel special. (I say six, but I am a firm believer in being attracted to your partner. There's a difference between finding your date attractive and having them be typical model hot)
        What is considered settling, is being with someone who doesn't treat you well. Someone who hits you is a definite no-no, but there are other types of abuse. You should never settle for someone who puts you down or makes you feel bad about yourself. Being in a relationship is supposed to make you happy, not miserable. I always say I would rather be single and loving life than "in love" and unhappy. (Then again I always say I would rather be fat and happy than skinny and hungry so perhaps we don't all have the same priorities)
           Remember that no one is perfect, so don't set your standards impossibly high. But, it is always good to have SOME standards and not settle completely. Otherwise, you could end up like those toothless girls on Maury that are the secret mistresses of the hideous trailer park kings, who don't even treat them nicely...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Stalking and Moving On

         
       The guy before my current boyfriend was a player. Which is widely accepted in my social circle but nonetheless sucks. So obviously, before we had officially even ended it, he was out scoping the next piece of ass. (And I must just modestly say, my ass is way nicer) Bits of mini melodrama ensued, I moved on, I assumed he did too. Then one day, a picture of Playerface and Piece of Ass popped up in my Stalkerbook newsfeed. I was transfixed by this photo. I will even admit that I forwarded it with an "I KNEW IT!" caption. I had moved on, why did I care? And why did I spend the next week or so combing photos and monitoring his activity?
        I read a study recently that said some ridiculously high number of people are some high percentage of unhappy because they are unable to move on from their ex and the problem is exacerbated by online stalking. What baffles me is that there was even a study on this. Doesn't this seem like the most evident  thing in the world? Stop wasting money on these lame studies and go cure cancer scientists of the world. (Who are probably far too and important to read my blog, but if one happens to stumble my way, now you know how I feel)
          My first serious boyfriend won't be my Facebook friend. Yes, that's a little painful. But honestly it saves me so much stalking. Even though I consider myself hotter than his current girlfriend, they seem very much in love and happy, at least according to their social networks. You are never going to find what you are looking for when you creep. There is rarely going to be evidence that your ex is so much worse off without you. So stop looking for it. Worry about yourself. You will be so much happier making your own life happen than obsessively following someone else's life via social media.
           In the end, I unfriended both the player and the piece of ass. They are probably too busy having sloppy seconds sex to even notice, but at least I feel better about it. Aside from writing this blog post, he hasn't really popped into my mind. Probably because he can no longer pop up unexpected in my newsfeed. So do yourself a favor ladies and just erase that ass from your friends' list AND your life. It feels incredibly good.