Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Sucking

       I looked like shit today. I will be the first to own it. First of all my work uniform is heinous. Nothing about a polo is even remotely flattering. And because work shirts tend to be one size fits NO ONE I have to get a size that is tight around my bust and loose everywhere else. Most days I can improve on this with hair and make up but today was not one of those days. I had no make up on my face and my unwashed hair was so greasy that I couldn't even keep it up because it kept sliding out of its elastic. So needless to say, I wasn't beating the men off with a stick.
      When I walked past a group of four guests, three women and one man, I gave a cordial "good morning" and a smile. Only the gentleman even acknowledged that I spoke. I don't mean he was the only one who replied or smiled back, but genuinely the only one who even registered that I was a human being on this earth as opposed to the ladies who could not even deign to lower themselves to look at me. As previously established I wasn't particularly foxy today so it's not even like he was hitting on me. He was just being polite. Why on earth would these women I've never met before and thus never could hav possibly offended, not do the same?
       Women are mean. Women are bitches. It really is true. I'd like to be all "rah, rah, girl power, solidarity sisters!" But the honest truth is, there is no solidarity. Women (yes I'm generalizing) tend to view other women as opponents, rivals, something to be looked down upon. I commented on this in one of my earliest blogs and said that the concept of "frenemies" is something that only women have. And it's true.
       Women judge and build up preconceived notions of who other women are. I had a friend tell me recently that she didn't like me when we first met. She didn't speak to me for three weeks when I first started working with her, how can you dislike someone you have never spoken to? One of my lifelong friends told me that when we were 11 she thought I was a snob bc I looked at the sky when I walked and my hair bounced. My hair has a mind of it's own. It bounces. That doesn't make me a snob. Granted she is one of my closest and oldest friends now but this friendship may have never happened, simply because my hair bounces.
        I had really hoped that as I got older these petty problems that plagued me in my teens and early twenties as far as friendships with women would disappear but I realize now that it's not a maturity issue but a society issue. As long as women look at each other as rivals or such, there doesn't leave much room for healthy friendships and relationships. Now obviously I have some female friends that mean the world to me, so I know it's not every single lady on this earth. But as a whole, girls, you suck...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Lady Friends

      Recently my roommate and his booty call.... I don't want today got in an argument because that implies more emotion than he actually exerts on her, I suppose "got into a disagreement" is the best phrase for it. The next day, BAM! A friend request on my Facebook pops up from none other than the booty call. Now I've known this girl about two months now, she had been coming over for dinner and movies before they had ever even talked. (She's a friend of an acquaintance) I've cooked for her, I attempted to make conversation with her and overall been pretty nice to her. She's rebuffed all my overtures. She claims that I "make her uncomfortable" and tells my roommate that I "hate her". Because obviously me inviting her out, just me and her is a clear signal for hatred.
      So it was pretty obvious to me that the timing of her FINALLY reaching out to me came at a time in which she wasn't sure of her position in my roommates life. (Sidenote, I rejected her facebook friend request. Don't try to play me honey, I was practically in middle school when you were born) Why do women think they can manipulate the females in their men's lives and furthermore why do they think other women are oblivious to what they are doing?
       Same roommate has an ex living in a different country. They talk off and on and are still social media friends. One day I posted a picture of him from our hike and apparently she went mental that some other girl posted a picture of him. By himself. Fully clothed. In nature. Well her bunny boiling behavior caused him to (sadly only temporarily) block her on Facebook. A few days later I posted pictures of a group of us and tagged one of our friends who she is also friends with. She went on and liked every picture in the album her ex was in. Like. A. Crazy. Person. Then I woke up to a friend request from HER.
       Now if I was actually involved with her ex, one would assume that I would know who she is and NOT want to be her friend. And like is true, since I'm not romantically involved with her ex but in fact am friends with him and know who she is, I am CREEPED OUT and do NOT want to be her friend.
        I don't understand the agenda of someone being so obsessive that they feel the need to reach out to total strangers with hints o' creepy. But furthermore ladies, just because I am a girl who is friends with sex friend/boyfriend/other does NOT mean that I want to be your friend or that I will placidly help you commit creepery. The transitive property does not apply to my friendship. If I don't like you, I don't like you, regardless of who you are letting in your pants. Just ask many of e exes my friends have had over the years....

And in case you were wondering, crazy ex went on to be EVEN creepier and made a conjoined couples facebook for her and her EX boyfriend without his knowledge and friend requested me from that one too. I rejected that one as well....

Stay sane ladies. Stay sane.

Shit i Wish Girls Knew About Online Dating

       I recently met a really attractive fella the other day. He then opened his mouth to introduce himself to me and A. He had kombucha seeds stuck in his teeth and B. His name was Sock. Needless to say, that didn't amount to anything...
      My roommate slept with a really annoying girl the other day. Hot, yes. Annoying as hell, YES! While I am all for him getting it in, I really don't want this person involved in my life and so, in an effort to provide him with a smorgasbord of options, I signed him up for Tinder. (Not sure if I get enough readers to work out some sort of sponsorship thing, but GET @ ME TINDER)
       Of course I HAD to sign myself up too. And our other friend/coworker. (Hilarity ensued when my roommate and I "swiped right" on each other) If you don't know how Tinder works, it's basically a GPS for your lady/gentleman parts. Your genitalia emits a homing beacon of sorts to the willing genitals of people within a 100 mile radius. You are then showed a photo of this person and you can swipe right for yes or left for no. Before deciding you can click on their picture to see the rest of their profile (up to FIVE extra pictures AND a blurb!) to make sure their default photo hasn't been airbrushed beyond all recognition. If you actually care that much.
         Now I have access to both my and my roommates Tinder, thus I can offer wisdom to ladies for their own profiles as I've scrolled through a few, but also on how to avoid mega creepers. (Unless of course that's what you are looking for)
      For myself, any sort of opportunity to put myself out there completely via photos is pretty terrible, as I am very unphotogenic. Like really bad. Every time. My default picture is one of me where I yes, look halfway decent, but more importantly have a Pats jersey on. That way Broncos fans know they need not apply. I also like to think I am pretty hysterical (as hopefully you do too, since you are reading my blog) so I wanted to showcase my humorous side. So naturally I added a picture of myself kissing a stuffed shark. And also one of me riding a camel.

(In case you thought I was kidding)

        I know there are so many sexy ladies out there who want to showcase that side of yourself, but really that's terribly uninteresting. Yes, granted, Tinder is basically a sex seeking website, but if you set yourself out there that way then that is DEFINITELY all you are going to find. Also, I recently read a study saying excessive selfies are linked to mental disorders. SOOO, you know, there's that. But seriously. I know the original default picture is how you lure them in, but once they're in, what's going to keep them there? (Unless you are just looking for a shameless hookup, in which case, you do you girl) In this day and age, so many ladies feel the need to keep up with celebrities and unrealistic expectations. Stop airbrushing your photos gals. I think he will notice your DD cup disappeared when he shows up, so isn't it better to get someone who wants you for you? I know everyone wants to put their best self forward but make sure it is YOUR best self and not the best you created in PhotoShop. 

       And remember, for all the falseness you are putting out there, it is being sent back to you tenfold. I must admit I find it terribly creepy when people tell me how "sexy" I am. I mean even in real life but via online dating as an opening line? FOR SURE CREEPSHOW. If you aren't looking to build any sort of meaningful connection that's okay, but unless you want a brand new connection with your GP as they are writing you a prescription for STI antibiotics, I would steer clear of the interweb Hugh Hefners. If his severely character limited blurb has a reference to "having fun", he's just looking for sex. If it references his being clean or his preference for wearing condoms, those are probably lies. I mean I don't feel the need to share my HIV free status with the world at all times. But honestly, please be smart when you are meeting people online. If a guy asks you about work, feel free to tell him but maybe give a general response ie. "I'm a nurse" instead of "Overnight nurse at Morton Hospital". Don't give anyone your home address and offer to meet up somewhere in public the first time, don't have them pick you up. (Caveat to this, I did once meet a guy online and he picked me up from work our first time going out and while he did not serial kill me, it still kinda imploded, so do what I say, not what I do). In today's society everyone puts their business online, but let me just take this minute to remind you of the Craigslist killer. So you know, swipe left for him.

And in case you were wondering what kind of gentleman will get a right swipe from me here are a few guidelines.

-Any guy with a cat in his pictures. Recently I clicked "yes" for a guy walking a kitten on a leash and also on a guy hugging (possibly hunting??) a mountain lion. Big or small, cats definitely scream antisocial with possible access to firearms and I am all over that. 

-If you are posing with a fish. I mean goldfish no, but some sort of rugged Paul Bunyan type who reached into the frigid stream waters and extracted my dinner with his bare hands all while posing for a selfie? Yes. Just YES!!

-Anyone who opens with a comment about my shark makeout or camel ride. Glad to see we are on the same page. 

-Funny shared interests. Tinder links to your profile and thus meshes your "shared interests" with your potential partners. I live in the wilderness so yes, yes I'm sure we both like hiking and camping. Yawn. However you know you are in Utah when multiple of your matches share your interest in "Mitt Romney".

And while those are the way to my heart, here's the complete opposite side of the coin. Gentleman. Please stop asking me to cuddle/snuggle. It just makes you sound like that creepy pedo uncle. You think it's a cute and charming smokescreen to hooking. It's not. So Chester, stop trying to get me into your van for some free candy and a cuddle...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Getting Back In the Game

I know, I know. I haven't blogged in forever. I was in the world's most boring relationship, all my longtime friends are getting married and/or popping out babies and I wasn't in the best place to meet new people.

Basically I thought I was just getting to an age that I had no more crazy stories to blog about. However, I recently moved to a new place, made some new friends and came to the realization that ladies of all ages can be crazy.There's no age gap for stupidity.

Moral of the story? I'm back, bitches.