I have a temper. While this word is most frequently used to describe tantrums thrown by small children, it is the perfect adjective to use in regards to the legacy of being half Irish and half Italian. I am quick to anger and even quicker to lash out. There is never really any question to my feelings. When I was younger, I used to get into fistfights and have the scars to prove it. With age has come maturity (or just a distaste for getting grounded or suspended for violence) and now, when my temper flares, I use my words. And though I have pretty good upper body strength, it is my words that hurt far worse.
When men are angry, they tend to react in a physical way. Punching walls, throwing something, even punching someone. And then usually, after this quick bout of violence, they start to cool down. Two friends may go from taking swings to having beers and swapping jokes. That is just the nature of men. When women fight, it is a whole dramatic process. It is the end of the world. No matter what the argument is about, it is the WORST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN! Your girlfriend slept with your man? Whore! Another friend borrowed a shirt and spilled a miniscule amount of red wine on it? Bitch! Both crimes are heinous and unforgiveable. A female argument goes from zero to sixty in seconds. And tends to stay at sixty for a while.
With my supposed maturity, I have tried to subscribe to the adage of "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all". When I am angry, I try to walk away, before letting loose the swirling tempest of vitriol that is inside of me. My reasoning is this, you can tell someone you are sorry, but they can't unhear what you said. Calling your friend an obese whore, is really not one of those things you can forgive and forget. Even after you kiss and make up, she is always going to remember you said it. Now there are certain situations that it is impossible to hold it in. While the man way of throwing down may seem more straightforward, girls have mastered the subtle art of making you feel terrible about yourself without lifting a finger.
If worst comes to worst and you really feel the urge to kick some ass, do what I do and listen to the song "Girl Fight". If it doesn't cool you down, at least it will give you some helpful tips...
Friday, October 26, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Looking in the Mirror
The past few days I have really been psyching myself out. I left my job, made a huge move across the country, started a new job AND chopped off all of my hair. All of this whilst battling a disgusting chest cold and dealing with what could loosely be termed a long distance relationship. I have had lots of time at my new job (obviously too much time, as I used it to whack all my hair off) and instead of using this time proactively, say to unpack, I have been sweating the small stuff. Anything that I write about girls doing and being irrational about, I was guilty of this past week. A superhypocrite if you will. (SHOUTOUT TO ALL OF MY FRIENDS WHO HAD TO DEAL WITH MY CRAZED BEHAVIOR)
Women spend so much time judging other people, that they frequently forget to judge themselves. A very important thing for us to do is look in the mirror, both figuratively and literally. Alot of times, another girl who is particularly irritating, has a very specific reason for being. Does her neurotic behavior hit too close to home? Accept this about yourself and you may find her very tolerable. Recently I found a specific coworker very very annoying. When expressing this annoyance to friends they all had one thing to say, you two are too much alike. While horrifying to psychoanalyze, it was probably true.
Don't pick on others if you are doing the same thing. Don't dole out advice and not even consider it yourself. And don't write a blog about all the stupid shit women do and then do aforementioned stupid shit...Oh wait that is just me. :)
Women spend so much time judging other people, that they frequently forget to judge themselves. A very important thing for us to do is look in the mirror, both figuratively and literally. Alot of times, another girl who is particularly irritating, has a very specific reason for being. Does her neurotic behavior hit too close to home? Accept this about yourself and you may find her very tolerable. Recently I found a specific coworker very very annoying. When expressing this annoyance to friends they all had one thing to say, you two are too much alike. While horrifying to psychoanalyze, it was probably true.
Don't pick on others if you are doing the same thing. Don't dole out advice and not even consider it yourself. And don't write a blog about all the stupid shit women do and then do aforementioned stupid shit...Oh wait that is just me. :)
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Bitching and Back Fat
When I shop for clothes with friends, alot of times they will ask "Does this make me look fat?". If it does, I usually answer "YES" and tell them to put it down. (Depending on my mood, I have also been know to answer, "no the fact that you are fat makes you look fat" but that is a story for another day) What baffles me is when they continue to argue about it. What if they lost weight? Or wore it with leggings? Or Spanx! They could buy Spanx!! This is irritating on two levels. One, looking bad is not something you can rationalize your way out of. If you hammer me enough about your muffin top and back fat bulge, they are not going to suddenly disappear. And also, if you already made your mind up about wanting it, then why ask my opinion?
Girls are notorious for this. A girl will ask for your advice, but really all she wants is for you to agree with her. She will want to discuss it to death and weigh the pros and cons and at the end of the day, nothing you have said will make an impact because her mind is already made up. Men on the other hand rarely ask for advice. When they do ask for it, it isn't some long drawn out process or a ploy for attention. It is a simple "Here's what I need, how do I get it?" So using this as their guideline men tend to offer pretty straightforward solutions. You don't like something? Throw it away! You don't need to talk about throwing it away for a week and then never do it. Just do it!
Women, learn that this is how men want to help. They are not criticizing you or picking on you. They are trying to help you, because YOU ASKED for it! If you continue to ignore your man's advice, eventually he is going to stop giving it to you. Constantly refusing to accept help and then whining about it later is not very endearing. If you just want someone to agree with you, phone a girlfriend. If you are looking for some true tough loving advice, ask your man. Unless you've trained him well, then he will never, ever mention your back fat...
Girls are notorious for this. A girl will ask for your advice, but really all she wants is for you to agree with her. She will want to discuss it to death and weigh the pros and cons and at the end of the day, nothing you have said will make an impact because her mind is already made up. Men on the other hand rarely ask for advice. When they do ask for it, it isn't some long drawn out process or a ploy for attention. It is a simple "Here's what I need, how do I get it?" So using this as their guideline men tend to offer pretty straightforward solutions. You don't like something? Throw it away! You don't need to talk about throwing it away for a week and then never do it. Just do it!
Women, learn that this is how men want to help. They are not criticizing you or picking on you. They are trying to help you, because YOU ASKED for it! If you continue to ignore your man's advice, eventually he is going to stop giving it to you. Constantly refusing to accept help and then whining about it later is not very endearing. If you just want someone to agree with you, phone a girlfriend. If you are looking for some true tough loving advice, ask your man. Unless you've trained him well, then he will never, ever mention your back fat...
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Dealbreakers
I tell people sometimes about my ex boyfriend who used to order chicken Caesar salad every time we went out to eat and how much it bothered me. I even go so far as to say that it has a direct correlation to our breakup. People think its hilarious or that I am exaggerating. But no, something about it really irked me that he ordered it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Granted that is not a reason to not be with someone forever but small annoyances really add up. I used to be friends with the same ex-boyfriends ex-girlfriend (if you can follow that) and naturally we talked about him. She told me that she had broken up with him because he was shorter than her. However, it wasn't the obvious reason, but because she thought if she really loved him, it wouldn't have bothered her. Ordering chicken Caesar salad wasn't the worst thing in the world, but it bothered me because it was a metaphor for his inability to try new things in love and THAT drove me crazy.
Everyone has their dealbreakers. It could be something that prevents you from sleeping with someone, dating them or something that leads to the breakup down the road. I am the queen of ridiculous dealbreakers and impossibly high standards, so this post isn't about rising above that. However I think it is important to know exactly what your dealbreakers are. It causes more harm to try to enter into a relationship with someone knowing something about them is not to your tastes. It is impossible to try to change someone and you shouldn't want someone who was being fake anyway. So if your potential mate has an annoying quirk, it will become downright intolerable during any argument. Trust me.
Know your type and know what you are looking for. It isn't fair to someone to string them alone if you can't stand how they lisp or nervously rub their ear. (Not that those things bother me. Okay, yes, yes they do!) Just be realistic. You probably aren't perfect so don't expect your future partner to be. Unless of course, your future partner is me!
Everyone has their dealbreakers. It could be something that prevents you from sleeping with someone, dating them or something that leads to the breakup down the road. I am the queen of ridiculous dealbreakers and impossibly high standards, so this post isn't about rising above that. However I think it is important to know exactly what your dealbreakers are. It causes more harm to try to enter into a relationship with someone knowing something about them is not to your tastes. It is impossible to try to change someone and you shouldn't want someone who was being fake anyway. So if your potential mate has an annoying quirk, it will become downright intolerable during any argument. Trust me.
Know your type and know what you are looking for. It isn't fair to someone to string them alone if you can't stand how they lisp or nervously rub their ear. (Not that those things bother me. Okay, yes, yes they do!) Just be realistic. You probably aren't perfect so don't expect your future partner to be. Unless of course, your future partner is me!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Riding Solo
When I was in college, I frequently went out to eat by myself. It got to the point where I was having planned once a week dinners by myself at Olive Garden, ordering the works. No one was there to watch me devour an appetizer, a meal AND a dessert. It was lovely. The best part however, was the simple relaxing. I wasn't trying to entertain anyone or gracefully talk whilst avoiding talking with food in my mouth. Sometimes I brought a book and sometimes I just sat and pondered. And this is a habit that I have carried through in my jaunts all over the world. I go out, grab a bite to eat or go to a movie solo and just enjoy my time. I don't get lonely, because I think I am pretty dang entertaining.
Due to social media, communications and all jazz so prevalent in today's society, people are accustomed to constantly having someone to talk to. But it is important to be comfortable by yourself and with yourself. Because if you don't want to hang out with yourself, why would anyone else want to?
I have already written about having your own hobbies and interests but hobbies can include other people. What I am talking about is simply solo time, where you relax and unwind. It can be as simple as taking a bubble bath or a whole night entertainment to stay in, paint your nails etc. Your activities don't matter so much as the process. If you cannot entertain your own self, who is predispositioned to like you, you certainly aren't going to be able to entertain someone else. A healthy self image is so important, because in normal stable relationships you can't lose sight of yourself.
Maybe you have a wicked sense of humor or a love of hiking, but you should take something you like to do and integrate your loved one into that habit. However, if they are busy one day, the doesn't mean ditch it altogether. Strap on those hiking boots and go for a walk. Swing by the comedy club and have a laugh. If you can't entertain yourself, you will not be able to entertain anyone else. And if you don't like you, no one else will either. (Well, not any normal, decent guy that you would want) You need to bring something to the table, that makes people want to be with you. Being desperate, clingy and unable to hang out alone is not that thing.
Due to social media, communications and all jazz so prevalent in today's society, people are accustomed to constantly having someone to talk to. But it is important to be comfortable by yourself and with yourself. Because if you don't want to hang out with yourself, why would anyone else want to?
I have already written about having your own hobbies and interests but hobbies can include other people. What I am talking about is simply solo time, where you relax and unwind. It can be as simple as taking a bubble bath or a whole night entertainment to stay in, paint your nails etc. Your activities don't matter so much as the process. If you cannot entertain your own self, who is predispositioned to like you, you certainly aren't going to be able to entertain someone else. A healthy self image is so important, because in normal stable relationships you can't lose sight of yourself.
Maybe you have a wicked sense of humor or a love of hiking, but you should take something you like to do and integrate your loved one into that habit. However, if they are busy one day, the doesn't mean ditch it altogether. Strap on those hiking boots and go for a walk. Swing by the comedy club and have a laugh. If you can't entertain yourself, you will not be able to entertain anyone else. And if you don't like you, no one else will either. (Well, not any normal, decent guy that you would want) You need to bring something to the table, that makes people want to be with you. Being desperate, clingy and unable to hang out alone is not that thing.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Anger Management
I work at a hotel front desk. It is my job, as the overnight shift, to start breakfast in the morning. It is supposed to be ready at 5:30, so while our coffee station is open 24/7, I usually rebrew the two pots at 4:45 so they are fresh for breakfast. This morning, a guest came down for coffee at 4:53 and in a belligerent tone ordered me to "BRING OUT THE REGULAR COFFEE, NOW". I smiled sweetly back at him and assured him I would bring the coffee out as soon as it finished brewing. And then I went back into the kitchen and dawdled, drawing out the time he had to wait.
Had he only smiled and said good morning or even asked in a nicer tone I would have brought the coffee out immediately. But while I am in customer service, that doesn't mean I am a customer punching bag. The way people treat me sometimes is absolutely ridiculous. Not only should no one be talked to like I am, people seem to forget that I am the one setting the rate for their stay, preparing the food, handling their issues etc. So why alienate me?
Below I have created a list of five other people that you should always treat well, even if you are pissed off. Because you may not like the payback you didn't even know you got...
1. Waitresses- We all know the stereotype of angry waitstaff spitting in our food. But there are other reasons to not anger your waitresses. They aren't necessarily the ones making your food, but they are in charge of picking it up and dropping it off. It sits under a heat lamp, so irk your waitress and she may keep your food sitting out and make you wait. It will arrive hot and you will be none the wiser. Aside from pissing them off, if your waitress likes you, she may even go so far as to not include your drinks on the receipt or give you her employee discount.
2. Airline staff- I always skip the kiosks and go up to the person behind the counter. A lot of times, just chatting with the person behind the counter and being nice and not irritable, is enough to get you upgraded. And when the hostesses are coming around handing out snacks or telling you to shut off your electronics, don't back talk. These people have the power to kick you off the plane. Look at Alec Baldwin.
3. Medical staff, especially CNAs and RNs- I know everyone always thinks of the doctor being the most important one in the medical practice, but this is so untrue. They wouldn't be able to run anything without their nursing staff. These men and women are used to being talked down to by their doctor, they don't need it from you too. Otherwise you may find that your meal is late, your pain meds are accidentally a lower dosage or that appointment you really need is all booked up until 6 months from now.
4. Emergency workers/public servants- Most people, myself included, have a deep appreciation for the men and women keeping our streets safe. But that doesn't stop me from being irritated when I need to pull over for an ambulance or fire truck or from being pissed when I get pulled over by a cop. Pulling someone over is a scary prospect for a cop. While most times you are just hoping you don't get a ticket, they are approaching a car knowing virtually nothing about what is going to meet them. Same goes for firefighters and EMS. So cut them some slack the next time you interact with them. Chances are, one day, you are going to need at least one of these services, so make sure you don't make them hate you.
5. Foreigners- Working in the hospitality industry, especially on cruise ships, I get to see how a lot of people interact with foreigners. When you look at someone and immediately assume they are too stupid to understand you, that is extremely ignorant. I know I frequently pretend I either don't speak English, or that I don't understand another language as well as I do and people talk right in front of you. Its amazing how many cruisers would talk about their housekeeper right in front of them. And while they would continue to do their job, you are certainly not going to go above and beyond for someone who talks down to you. No towel animals for you...
I know that when you are frustrated and mad, it is easy to lash out at the person nearest to you. But remember, your waitress wasn't the one who cooked your food, the hotel front desk agent wasn't the one who didn't bring you enough towels and the CNA is the one who isn't going to clean up your shit if you can't learn to manage your anger...
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Shutting the Hell Up
I have had a very quiet (read DULL AND UNINTERESTING) last couple of days. So I was just in the kitchen making breakfast, which is usually my blog brainstorming time and I couldn't come up with anything. I tried to wrack my brain for something, anything, I could write about. Just to fill today's post. It didn't necessarily have to be Pulitzer worthy, just take up some space...
Aha! Then it hit me like a bolt of lightening. This right here is a problem. Why do people feel such a constant need to be talking or texting or emailing (the list goes on and on, who can keep up with social media?) all the day long? It is because people seem to think that it makes a better connection to overshare.
Don't get me wrong, I text quite a bit. But I also have friends all around the world who it is just not easy to call up and chat on the phone all day with (and not just because I have a pay as you go minutes phone...). One of my closest friends lives across the country, in a different time zone. I work overnights, she works days. She's married and I am not. So it's pretty hard to nail down a time for a long phone chat. Texts work best because if one if us is sleeping or busy, we just respond when we can. We don't just fill our days with meaningless texts.
Your boyfriend or your best friend don't need to hear about your day in real time. Stop wasting everyone's time with pointless messages throughout the day. It doesn't build some intimate connection to know exactly what someone is doing as they're doing it. You are probably defending yourself at this point by saying "Well I love them and I just want them to be excited with me." They will. At the end of the day. Face to face. Because if you chat all day, what are you going to talk about that night? And in that same vein, strangers or very close to, don't need to be privy to every move you making that day. Stop putting your daily schedule as your status. If someone really wants to know what you are up to that day, they can ask. Not stalk you down via the internet.
Now as far as talking out loud, I know I am a nervous chatterer. I hate awkward silence. So I try to fill it. But I know this is something that drives most people crazy so I try to hold back as much as possible. So shut up. Get off the phone and the computer. Stop oversharing things nobody really cares about. And just enjoy the silence...
Aha! Then it hit me like a bolt of lightening. This right here is a problem. Why do people feel such a constant need to be talking or texting or emailing (the list goes on and on, who can keep up with social media?) all the day long? It is because people seem to think that it makes a better connection to overshare.
Don't get me wrong, I text quite a bit. But I also have friends all around the world who it is just not easy to call up and chat on the phone all day with (and not just because I have a pay as you go minutes phone...). One of my closest friends lives across the country, in a different time zone. I work overnights, she works days. She's married and I am not. So it's pretty hard to nail down a time for a long phone chat. Texts work best because if one if us is sleeping or busy, we just respond when we can. We don't just fill our days with meaningless texts.
Your boyfriend or your best friend don't need to hear about your day in real time. Stop wasting everyone's time with pointless messages throughout the day. It doesn't build some intimate connection to know exactly what someone is doing as they're doing it. You are probably defending yourself at this point by saying "Well I love them and I just want them to be excited with me." They will. At the end of the day. Face to face. Because if you chat all day, what are you going to talk about that night? And in that same vein, strangers or very close to, don't need to be privy to every move you making that day. Stop putting your daily schedule as your status. If someone really wants to know what you are up to that day, they can ask. Not stalk you down via the internet.
Now as far as talking out loud, I know I am a nervous chatterer. I hate awkward silence. So I try to fill it. But I know this is something that drives most people crazy so I try to hold back as much as possible. So shut up. Get off the phone and the computer. Stop oversharing things nobody really cares about. And just enjoy the silence...
Monday, June 18, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Kisses in the Basement
I generally like to believe that I am smarter than most people. (Probably because, I really am smarter than most people. Sorry America.) But as much as I tell myself I do, I don't actually know everything. To that extent, my male friends have been giving me topics to write about since I launched my blog and everytime I tell them "guest write an article". Being the lazy layabouts they all are, as you can see, that hasn't happened. The other day when I was having a discussion with my good friend B, she was dropping all kinds of knowledge on me. And it hit me like a lightening bolt. Why haven't I been asking female friends to guest blog? They may know about different topics than the guys, but no less important. So with that said, I welcome you to my first ever guest written blog, by the lovely Miss B.
(Note: Anything that comes next, I have not written)
We all know girls get a little self-conscious when it comes to boys hanging out in their basement. Does it smell weird? What have I eaten recently? Will things taste okay? When was the last time I went pee and have I taken a shower since? Have I maintained things like I should? Etc… the list can go on and on. The anxiety that often comes with these questions has left girls with a lot to be desired. Those girls can be separated into two groups; those who have never had the experience of someone going down on them and those who are way too concerned to relax and enjoy it… and let me tell you, it’s definitely something that should be enjoyed.
The most important thing a girl should remember is that if he doesn’t want his face in your lady business he’s NOT GOING TO PUT IT THERE! I promise if for any reason at all he doesn’t feel like taking a trip downstairs he’s not going to. It’s also important to remember that if he doesn’t want to there isn’t necessarily a problem with you. Just like you they sometimes just don’t feel inclined to do it.
However that doesn’t mean that there aren’t things that you should be doing that might encourage, or at least not prevent, him from feeling “friendly.” You don’t need to be obsessive compulsive about your peeing/shower schedule. As long as you’re practicing good personal hygiene and using toilet paper you’re going to be fine. If you think there’s a possibility of things happening you can always use a little water to clean yourself up when you use the bathroom. If there’s anything too funky going on down there, smells or whatever, you’re probably going to know before it even becomes an issue. Don’t worry about tastes; generally speaking most guys enjoy the way a girls arousal tastes and smells. As far as maintenance goes as long as you’re not growing a garden he’s probably not going to care. If you’re that concerned get ask his opinion on “hair styles.” I guarantee he has one and once he sees you with it he’s going to go crazy. If that’s too direct, for you there’s always the bare option.
So ladies what have we learned today? A little personally hygiene is really all it takes to make sure kisses in your downstairs run smoothly, unless of course you picked a bad kisser. Unfortunately you often don’t realize that until it’s too late. Let go of all that anxiety and give your sexy man friend a tour of your basement. Who knows, he just might like the scenery.
(Note: Anything that comes next, I have not written)
We all know girls get a little self-conscious when it comes to boys hanging out in their basement. Does it smell weird? What have I eaten recently? Will things taste okay? When was the last time I went pee and have I taken a shower since? Have I maintained things like I should? Etc… the list can go on and on. The anxiety that often comes with these questions has left girls with a lot to be desired. Those girls can be separated into two groups; those who have never had the experience of someone going down on them and those who are way too concerned to relax and enjoy it… and let me tell you, it’s definitely something that should be enjoyed.
The most important thing a girl should remember is that if he doesn’t want his face in your lady business he’s NOT GOING TO PUT IT THERE! I promise if for any reason at all he doesn’t feel like taking a trip downstairs he’s not going to. It’s also important to remember that if he doesn’t want to there isn’t necessarily a problem with you. Just like you they sometimes just don’t feel inclined to do it.
However that doesn’t mean that there aren’t things that you should be doing that might encourage, or at least not prevent, him from feeling “friendly.” You don’t need to be obsessive compulsive about your peeing/shower schedule. As long as you’re practicing good personal hygiene and using toilet paper you’re going to be fine. If you think there’s a possibility of things happening you can always use a little water to clean yourself up when you use the bathroom. If there’s anything too funky going on down there, smells or whatever, you’re probably going to know before it even becomes an issue. Don’t worry about tastes; generally speaking most guys enjoy the way a girls arousal tastes and smells. As far as maintenance goes as long as you’re not growing a garden he’s probably not going to care. If you’re that concerned get ask his opinion on “hair styles.” I guarantee he has one and once he sees you with it he’s going to go crazy. If that’s too direct, for you there’s always the bare option.
So ladies what have we learned today? A little personally hygiene is really all it takes to make sure kisses in your downstairs run smoothly, unless of course you picked a bad kisser. Unfortunately you often don’t realize that until it’s too late. Let go of all that anxiety and give your sexy man friend a tour of your basement. Who knows, he just might like the scenery.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Being Hot Shit
Recently I have been infatuated with my friend's roommate, though he is not my type in the slightest. (This happens to me about every 12-18 months, so my friends and I come up with monikers for these: WAG aka Weirdly Attractive Guy, SAM aka Strangely Attractive Missionary and now the latest installation of SAR or Strangely Attractive Roommate.) Over the past six weeks or so, I have been torn about making a move. Being socially awkward and not my type, I don't want him to get all awkwarded out and possibly cause my friend an uncomfortable situation or heaven forbid, not be allowed to come over anymore. This past weekend, they were holding a party at their place and my best friend and I decided this would be the time to make my move. I am leaving in a week, so if it does get awkward, luckily I am making an escape. I got all dolled up the night in question, even doing my hair (If you know me, you know this doesn't happen often. Lots of effort went into this.) and slapping on the hated push up bra. I was ready to make my move. When I got there, SAR already had a girl there as his date! (We then referred to this as "unforseen circumstances" for the rest of the night) Never in all my consideration of the evening, had I really expected that strange development. Call me cocky, but I had envisioned a warm recepetion to my advances. Boy was I wrong.
I am a big believer that everyone has a type, thought it may not be a physical one. I don't usually adhere to the notion, however, that people have leagues. I don't generally believe that I am too good for anyone, yet in getting caught up in SAR not being my type, I never imagined I would be the one getting rejected. (Yes, I have already admitted it was cocky. Thanks!)
To me, I think each person brings something to the relationship. My old roommate was a very pretty girl and knew how to put herself together very well. But was also needy. She needed lots of positive and constant affirmation. One night, her and her boyfriend were playfully bickering and asked me if she was too good for him. And I told them what I really felt, that while physically she was better looking than him, he definitely put up with a lot of crap from her and was emotionally superior. And this is a key example of what everyone brings to the table.
The phrase "you complete me" is totally cheesy (and iconic, thanks Jerry Maguire) but true. You need to find someone who has what you lack. A missing puzzle piece, if you will permit me to get gushy. If you are a little vapid and good looking, you and another vapid hottie are probably going to run out of interesting things to talk about in the first 45 seconds. You need someone who stimulates you mentally and offers you new challenges every day. So instead of walking around and instantly dismissing people based on first impressions and generally thinking you are hot shit, get to know them and see what they have to offer. Just because you think you are too good for someone, doesn't mean they will think you are good enough for them...
(One last example to send you on your way. Look at Anna Nicole Smith and that old guy. She brought her tits to the table and he brought lots of cash. A general win all around. Find your old guy and enter the world of romance...)
I am a big believer that everyone has a type, thought it may not be a physical one. I don't usually adhere to the notion, however, that people have leagues. I don't generally believe that I am too good for anyone, yet in getting caught up in SAR not being my type, I never imagined I would be the one getting rejected. (Yes, I have already admitted it was cocky. Thanks!)
To me, I think each person brings something to the relationship. My old roommate was a very pretty girl and knew how to put herself together very well. But was also needy. She needed lots of positive and constant affirmation. One night, her and her boyfriend were playfully bickering and asked me if she was too good for him. And I told them what I really felt, that while physically she was better looking than him, he definitely put up with a lot of crap from her and was emotionally superior. And this is a key example of what everyone brings to the table.
The phrase "you complete me" is totally cheesy (and iconic, thanks Jerry Maguire) but true. You need to find someone who has what you lack. A missing puzzle piece, if you will permit me to get gushy. If you are a little vapid and good looking, you and another vapid hottie are probably going to run out of interesting things to talk about in the first 45 seconds. You need someone who stimulates you mentally and offers you new challenges every day. So instead of walking around and instantly dismissing people based on first impressions and generally thinking you are hot shit, get to know them and see what they have to offer. Just because you think you are too good for someone, doesn't mean they will think you are good enough for them...
(One last example to send you on your way. Look at Anna Nicole Smith and that old guy. She brought her tits to the table and he brought lots of cash. A general win all around. Find your old guy and enter the world of romance...)
Friday, June 15, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Letting It Go
I was out one night with a good guy friend of mine, who had just happened to be dating my very good female friend. Somehow the topic of cheating came up and I said to him "if you cheat on her alot, break up with her. But if it is a one time mistake, the smartest thing to do would be not to tell her. She won't break up with you and it will be brought up in every argument..." What I didn't know at the time, was that he did once cheat on her at a party with an acquaintance of ours. Later, she found out (via an anonymous Facebook message, no less) and shit hit the roof. They didn't break up right away and instead were stuck in an on again-off again limbo. They would fight about any little thing, as a vehicle for her anger. She still loved him and was hurt. But finally, they broke it off and stayed off, because the infidelity was in fact inexcusable.
Screaming at someone for something simple because you are still holding on to extra rage isn't healthy. Just because you asked your boyfriend to pass the salt and he didn't, doesn't mean you should fly into a fit of anger. But maybe that anger actually stems from his recent unsettling revelation? Passive aggressiveness is never good. You are taking your anger out, but the person doesn't know why. You need to be direct and calm and explain why you are upset. If you lash out about the salt and he genuinely thinks you're just pissed about the salt, then he never will apologize or understand what he really did wrong. And chances are, he will do it again. (Unless it's cheating, most likely he will recognize you are mad about that haha).
Either you forgive someone or you don't. And if you don't, move on. Dragging out the process is just going to hurt you both more in the long run. Being mad forever isn't going to just magically go away. And you don't want to live the rest of your life pissed off. It causes wrinkles...
Screaming at someone for something simple because you are still holding on to extra rage isn't healthy. Just because you asked your boyfriend to pass the salt and he didn't, doesn't mean you should fly into a fit of anger. But maybe that anger actually stems from his recent unsettling revelation? Passive aggressiveness is never good. You are taking your anger out, but the person doesn't know why. You need to be direct and calm and explain why you are upset. If you lash out about the salt and he genuinely thinks you're just pissed about the salt, then he never will apologize or understand what he really did wrong. And chances are, he will do it again. (Unless it's cheating, most likely he will recognize you are mad about that haha).
Either you forgive someone or you don't. And if you don't, move on. Dragging out the process is just going to hurt you both more in the long run. Being mad forever isn't going to just magically go away. And you don't want to live the rest of your life pissed off. It causes wrinkles...
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the Art of Facebook Photos
My best friend has recently started dating a new girl. Well, a girl we used to know but probably haven't seen in at least seven years. This is the same slob who has the science experiment toilet and yet, the other day before taking this girl out, he cleaned out his truck. He even dusted it! His sister, who has never met the girl, was immediately intrigued and as soon as he left for their date, we whipped out the computer. We found her easily enough and scrolled through her photos. She is definitely pretty but her photos were a little desperate. In all of them, she was in low cut tops or bikinis. And she has the Courtney Stodden pose down pat. She pushed her chest out so much that her rib cage was out as far as her boobs. Lest this create a top heavy impression, she also had arched her back and stuck her butt out to rival Kim Kardashian's rear. She looked good, but was trying way too hard to look that way.
I would say that in about half of my Facebook photos I look bad. I tend to make weird faces, have a double chin, or just in general have the extra ten pounds the camera adds. And I leave those posts tagged. Because as much as I would like to deny it, sometimes that's just what I look like. I am not a model and there is no point in cropping and editing until I look like one. Nobody wants to be the girl everyone thinks is pretty, until they see her again in real life. You all have those moments when you meet someone, at a bar or at a party and kind of forget about them until their friend request pops up. You scroll through their photos and think "Wow, this person is really quite attractive!". Except, they're not. They're just a whiz with photoshop. It's always immediately obvious when someone is reusing old photos, before they put on that extra 25 or got a ridiculous hair cut. It just draws attention to how different you look now and highlights the changes (flaws) you are trying to hide.
No matter how thin and pretty you are, trying too hard makes you look insecure. When I teased my friend about his beau's butt pose, he agreed with me and said it was because she was insecure. He had mentioned to her, some of her more provocative poses and she told him she "needed to look good always" in her photos. While I am a big believer in putting your best foot forward, it can't be someone else's photoshopped and more attractive foot. Rock how you look, possible fat arm and all.
This isn't to say I don't try my best to look good in a photo. I try to make my arms look thin by tucking them at an angle. I bevel my stance. I lift my chin when I smile. But equally often, I look cross eyed at the camera or stick out my tongue. Or I form some weird shape in which I am almost guaranteed a belly roll. And that's okay, because to me, self confidence is just as pretty, tongue hanging out or not.
(PS PLEASE STOP MAKING THE DUCK FACE, NO ONE THINKS IT IS CUTE!)
I would say that in about half of my Facebook photos I look bad. I tend to make weird faces, have a double chin, or just in general have the extra ten pounds the camera adds. And I leave those posts tagged. Because as much as I would like to deny it, sometimes that's just what I look like. I am not a model and there is no point in cropping and editing until I look like one. Nobody wants to be the girl everyone thinks is pretty, until they see her again in real life. You all have those moments when you meet someone, at a bar or at a party and kind of forget about them until their friend request pops up. You scroll through their photos and think "Wow, this person is really quite attractive!". Except, they're not. They're just a whiz with photoshop. It's always immediately obvious when someone is reusing old photos, before they put on that extra 25 or got a ridiculous hair cut. It just draws attention to how different you look now and highlights the changes (flaws) you are trying to hide.
No matter how thin and pretty you are, trying too hard makes you look insecure. When I teased my friend about his beau's butt pose, he agreed with me and said it was because she was insecure. He had mentioned to her, some of her more provocative poses and she told him she "needed to look good always" in her photos. While I am a big believer in putting your best foot forward, it can't be someone else's photoshopped and more attractive foot. Rock how you look, possible fat arm and all.
This isn't to say I don't try my best to look good in a photo. I try to make my arms look thin by tucking them at an angle. I bevel my stance. I lift my chin when I smile. But equally often, I look cross eyed at the camera or stick out my tongue. Or I form some weird shape in which I am almost guaranteed a belly roll. And that's okay, because to me, self confidence is just as pretty, tongue hanging out or not.
(PS PLEASE STOP MAKING THE DUCK FACE, NO ONE THINKS IT IS CUTE!)
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Being Shallow
I admit, I judge people based on their appearance. Not so much the things they cannot control about themselves, but outfits especially are a particular pet peeve of mine. So it comes as no surprise, that I have a "type" when it comes to men. There are things that I usually look for in a man. Tall and tan are definitely desirable qualities in a guy, in my opinion. (One of my close guy friends says my type is "asshole", but really that's more about what's on the inside) But I have non physical attributes I look for too. Someone who has a job. Someone who is presentable. I definitely need to be impressed by my guy. However, I don't think this is necessarily shallow.
I wanted to be attracted to the person I am with. What is the point of being with someone if you don't feel the urge to kiss them? Or worse, if the thought of kissing them repulsed you? What I think keeps me from being shallow though, is that I don't need EVERYONE to want my guy. I don't pick a potential mate based on how I think others will judge me for being with them. I will allow, that I have been proud of particularly good looking man-friends. That isn't to say I haven't been just as proud of the slightly less good looking ones, who were good people who treated me well. As far as wanting to be with someone who has a good job, I like to go out. I like to eat at restaurants, go to the movies and love traveling. And while I don't mind paying for myself, I don't want to be someone else's gravy train. (I've been there, done that. The sugar mama thing is not for me. There goes my future as a cougar) So anyone I want to be with, should be able to pay for themselves. Besides, laziness drives me CRAZY. Sitting on the sofa all day, playing video games, is NOT sexy to me. Get up, get ready and let's go somewhere nice. I am not saying be a metrosexual, because that is so not my turn on. I don't care if you are the least fashionable person out there, as long as your ugly clothes are stain free and smell nice. Anyone taking me out should respect me enough to make an effort.
Now there is a whole different breed of women out there. Many of them gold diggers. These women look at men as trophies and are out to bag the biggest and shiniest one. The harm comes in not when you are picking someone you think is hot, but when you only date people you know ALL of your friends think is hot too. Your dating goals should never be to strike envy into the heart of women everywhere. And while of course, you think your man is as hot as Brad Pitt, don't only deign to date men who look only like Brad.
Even if initially you are dating someone, you may not be shallow about them. But as time goes on you begin to criticize how they do their hair and subtly replace their wardrobe. And THAT is shallow. Changing everything about someone so they meet your criterion is not fair. Just because you think baseball caps are scrubby, doesn't mean your guy should never wear them again. I know most guys aren't too thrilled about baggy sweatpants. But try taking away a PMS-ing chick's sweatpants and true rage comes out. If men can deal, so should you. It would be like dating a guy who will only take you out if you are wearing your makeup exactly to his standard and wearing clothes he picked out, even if you hate them.
You want to find someone who you think is the best in the world. And if that includes his daily wardrobe of sports' Ts then more power to you both. Just don't ban his Ts because your friends don't like them.
For me, it's not so much being shallow, as having standards. And who says that is a bad thing?
I wanted to be attracted to the person I am with. What is the point of being with someone if you don't feel the urge to kiss them? Or worse, if the thought of kissing them repulsed you? What I think keeps me from being shallow though, is that I don't need EVERYONE to want my guy. I don't pick a potential mate based on how I think others will judge me for being with them. I will allow, that I have been proud of particularly good looking man-friends. That isn't to say I haven't been just as proud of the slightly less good looking ones, who were good people who treated me well. As far as wanting to be with someone who has a good job, I like to go out. I like to eat at restaurants, go to the movies and love traveling. And while I don't mind paying for myself, I don't want to be someone else's gravy train. (I've been there, done that. The sugar mama thing is not for me. There goes my future as a cougar) So anyone I want to be with, should be able to pay for themselves. Besides, laziness drives me CRAZY. Sitting on the sofa all day, playing video games, is NOT sexy to me. Get up, get ready and let's go somewhere nice. I am not saying be a metrosexual, because that is so not my turn on. I don't care if you are the least fashionable person out there, as long as your ugly clothes are stain free and smell nice. Anyone taking me out should respect me enough to make an effort.
Now there is a whole different breed of women out there. Many of them gold diggers. These women look at men as trophies and are out to bag the biggest and shiniest one. The harm comes in not when you are picking someone you think is hot, but when you only date people you know ALL of your friends think is hot too. Your dating goals should never be to strike envy into the heart of women everywhere. And while of course, you think your man is as hot as Brad Pitt, don't only deign to date men who look only like Brad.
Even if initially you are dating someone, you may not be shallow about them. But as time goes on you begin to criticize how they do their hair and subtly replace their wardrobe. And THAT is shallow. Changing everything about someone so they meet your criterion is not fair. Just because you think baseball caps are scrubby, doesn't mean your guy should never wear them again. I know most guys aren't too thrilled about baggy sweatpants. But try taking away a PMS-ing chick's sweatpants and true rage comes out. If men can deal, so should you. It would be like dating a guy who will only take you out if you are wearing your makeup exactly to his standard and wearing clothes he picked out, even if you hate them.
You want to find someone who you think is the best in the world. And if that includes his daily wardrobe of sports' Ts then more power to you both. Just don't ban his Ts because your friends don't like them.
For me, it's not so much being shallow, as having standards. And who says that is a bad thing?
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Bromance
I was perusing Cosmo's website recently and came across an article about getting your man's friends to like you. It was filled with tips like buying a round of drinks or bringing around hot friends. But to me, this just seems like sucking up. I am not really into the whole touchy feely everyone needs to like you for you standpoint on life, but I will say in this instance, nobody wants to hang with a fake ass lady.
People can tell when you are being genuine. Wanting to make a good impression is understandable, but being completely fake isn't. It's natural to want the guys in your guy's life to like you. They are an extension of him and if he loves you, shouldn't they? Not necessarily. Just because people are friends, doesn't mean they all like the exact same things. So don't try to be something you aren't just to please his friends. Maybe he loves golf, but his bros don't? Don't trash it just to get on their good side, you just left him in the dust. Plus it is incredibly awkward when people try to pretend to be something they aren't. There are only two sports I am even marginally interested in. And if someone tries to discuss baseball or soccer with me, I shoot that shit down immediately. So they hate me for not liking them? Way better than me embarrassing myself later down the line by catching myself in that lie.
If you don't like his friends, don't hang out with them. Nobody wants to be around a downer, so if you are miserable around them or don't want to do what they are going to do, DON'T. You won't be happy and you will spread that misery like an awful sprinkling of glittery fairy dust. (Everyone wants to avoid glitter too) In the end, everyone will just remember you are a bad time. Do you think you will score an invite to the next function? And if your man does, he is now in the position of having to choose between the two of you. Because you couldn't be a damn pleasant person.
If you do like going out with his friends, by all means, do so. But recognize that while you are out in a group, you shouldn't expect your boyfriend to hang out with only you. You have plenty of other time for this. The whole point of group functions is to interact with others, so you don't get sick of each other and end up going all "Psycho" on each other. Nobody wants to have to babysit you. Make conversations, make your own friends. Following him around listening to him talk cannot be your whole social set.
The easiest way to alienate a man's friends is to criticize him in front of them. Remember when you were a kid and your parents would scold you at a sleepover? Remember how uncomfortable that was? Yeah... It's like that. All they are going to be able to focus on is what a bitch you were. And, sooner or later, your guy is going to join in the pack mentality and see you that way too.
Don't urge your guy to stop hanging out with their friends either. They were friends before you and you still love your guy, so its unlikely he is going to morph into his annoying friend anytime soon. Men need that time with other men to stay sane. And really who wants a whipped boyfriend anyway?
I am not saying don't suck up a little bit (I am a notorious treat giver), but make sure its in a way that is genuine to who you are. I bring food, because I like to cook and I love to eat. Let them like you for what you bring to the mix and if they don't like you, make sure they at least don't resent you. Because in today's world of "bros before hoes", they mean you, not a garden tool.
People can tell when you are being genuine. Wanting to make a good impression is understandable, but being completely fake isn't. It's natural to want the guys in your guy's life to like you. They are an extension of him and if he loves you, shouldn't they? Not necessarily. Just because people are friends, doesn't mean they all like the exact same things. So don't try to be something you aren't just to please his friends. Maybe he loves golf, but his bros don't? Don't trash it just to get on their good side, you just left him in the dust. Plus it is incredibly awkward when people try to pretend to be something they aren't. There are only two sports I am even marginally interested in. And if someone tries to discuss baseball or soccer with me, I shoot that shit down immediately. So they hate me for not liking them? Way better than me embarrassing myself later down the line by catching myself in that lie.
If you don't like his friends, don't hang out with them. Nobody wants to be around a downer, so if you are miserable around them or don't want to do what they are going to do, DON'T. You won't be happy and you will spread that misery like an awful sprinkling of glittery fairy dust. (Everyone wants to avoid glitter too) In the end, everyone will just remember you are a bad time. Do you think you will score an invite to the next function? And if your man does, he is now in the position of having to choose between the two of you. Because you couldn't be a damn pleasant person.
If you do like going out with his friends, by all means, do so. But recognize that while you are out in a group, you shouldn't expect your boyfriend to hang out with only you. You have plenty of other time for this. The whole point of group functions is to interact with others, so you don't get sick of each other and end up going all "Psycho" on each other. Nobody wants to have to babysit you. Make conversations, make your own friends. Following him around listening to him talk cannot be your whole social set.
The easiest way to alienate a man's friends is to criticize him in front of them. Remember when you were a kid and your parents would scold you at a sleepover? Remember how uncomfortable that was? Yeah... It's like that. All they are going to be able to focus on is what a bitch you were. And, sooner or later, your guy is going to join in the pack mentality and see you that way too.
Don't urge your guy to stop hanging out with their friends either. They were friends before you and you still love your guy, so its unlikely he is going to morph into his annoying friend anytime soon. Men need that time with other men to stay sane. And really who wants a whipped boyfriend anyway?
I am not saying don't suck up a little bit (I am a notorious treat giver), but make sure its in a way that is genuine to who you are. I bring food, because I like to cook and I love to eat. Let them like you for what you bring to the mix and if they don't like you, make sure they at least don't resent you. Because in today's world of "bros before hoes", they mean you, not a garden tool.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Being A Hot Mess
I work at a hotel. This morning at 5a, a sight to see strolled in. This woman was easily 75+ lbs over weight and had stuffed herself into what had to be a size medium tank top (a feat I don't even dare attempt). Her cavernous tattoo cleavage spilled out of the too small bra and overflowed the tanks meager straps. Above the shoulder was a lovely combination of facial piercings, the largest hoop earrings I have ever seen and a rumpled, frizzy 'do. From the chest down we were greeted with a muffin top (see previous post) big enough to feed a family of fifteen for weeks. And the best part is yet to come. In lieu of pants or even a skirt she had on tights. Not just any tights. They were leopard print. And not merely leopard print, but see through leopard print complete with a pair of black granny panties underneath. If this wasn't already the best thing you have ever envisioned, as she wobbled away I noted the holes of various shapes and sizes in aforementioned tights. And to truly work it, she topped it all off with some too-high for her to walk in heels. Amazing. (I just want to point out that I attempted to photograph said creature, in case one thought she was nonexistent on par with Bigfoot or Nessie, however I couldn't figure out how to shut off the shutter sound on my camera. I was afraid that if I tried to capture her image and she caught me, she may smother me in her ample bosom. And for me to fear someone's chest, you know it has to be LARGE!)
I walk a very fine line between looking like shit and actually caring about my appearance (Recently, a guy friend told me I either look really good or completely shitty, never in the middle). I am usually to be found with at least makeup on, but it is anyone's guess what my hair will look like that day. Rushing usually consists of some form of a braid, or if I am really desperate, wearing it down and unstraightened. However the one thing I will never venture out of the house wearing is pajama pants. And that is because to me, pajamas scream "I really don't give an eff".
Now I am not hating on anyone else who chooses to stroll around in their pjs. It is just my personal standard for looking good outside of the home. Everyone has their own standard and that may or may not include a hairbrush. But to me, someone who is walking around like a hot mess really doesn't respect themselves. So why should I? It's one thing to want to be au natural, I know many people who don't like to wear makeup. However, that doesn't excuse basic hygiene. You can still throw together a nice outfit. Same goes for wearing a completely lovely outfit and looking like a smeary mess with your makeup.
Deep down, everyone knows when they look good. You may not want to admit it to yourself, that the smaller size you are desperately trying to squeeze into gives you an unflattering bulge or that perhaps that much skin showing isn't your best look. But when you look sloppy, people perceive you as sloppy. As much as it sucks, our society is vain and appearances matter. I recently read a scathing article about Hilary Clinton's makeup and weight. The woman is the SoS and clearly has more important things to worry about. Yet people still judge.
Rumpled, smelly, smeared makeup, ill-fitting clothes. None of these are good looks. You never want someone to look at you and wonder what hovel you currently crawled out of. Or how much it would cost to crawl into one of your bed...
I walk a very fine line between looking like shit and actually caring about my appearance (Recently, a guy friend told me I either look really good or completely shitty, never in the middle). I am usually to be found with at least makeup on, but it is anyone's guess what my hair will look like that day. Rushing usually consists of some form of a braid, or if I am really desperate, wearing it down and unstraightened. However the one thing I will never venture out of the house wearing is pajama pants. And that is because to me, pajamas scream "I really don't give an eff".
Now I am not hating on anyone else who chooses to stroll around in their pjs. It is just my personal standard for looking good outside of the home. Everyone has their own standard and that may or may not include a hairbrush. But to me, someone who is walking around like a hot mess really doesn't respect themselves. So why should I? It's one thing to want to be au natural, I know many people who don't like to wear makeup. However, that doesn't excuse basic hygiene. You can still throw together a nice outfit. Same goes for wearing a completely lovely outfit and looking like a smeary mess with your makeup.
Deep down, everyone knows when they look good. You may not want to admit it to yourself, that the smaller size you are desperately trying to squeeze into gives you an unflattering bulge or that perhaps that much skin showing isn't your best look. But when you look sloppy, people perceive you as sloppy. As much as it sucks, our society is vain and appearances matter. I recently read a scathing article about Hilary Clinton's makeup and weight. The woman is the SoS and clearly has more important things to worry about. Yet people still judge.
Rumpled, smelly, smeared makeup, ill-fitting clothes. None of these are good looks. You never want someone to look at you and wonder what hovel you currently crawled out of. Or how much it would cost to crawl into one of your bed...
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Fifty First Dates
My good friend once set me up on what I now lovingly refer to as "the blind date from hell". She had been hyping this guy for a month or two and finally made it happen. It was arranged as part of a group date with her and her fiance, her roommate and her roommate's date. We went to a haunted corn maze at a Halloween themed park. I had never been on a blind date before and was a little apprehensive about getting to know someone in that situation. The boys came over a little earlier than we had planned to leave and what followed goes down in history as one of the more awkward experiences of my life. I am pretty sure after the initial introductions my "date" didn't speak to me again for easily twenty minutes. Then stuffed into the back seat I, being the natural chatterbox, began to attempt conversation. I found out he was an engineer and was elated. Due to the large amount of engineering students I knew, this was a topic I could pretend to chat knowingly about. He was not interested. I tried asking him about his family. Nothing. Questioned him about his mission (he was Mormon) and found out he didn't go on one. Finally I gave up. This pattern of complete and utter lack of interest in anything about me carried well through the date, starting with my buying my own ticket. (Apparently this is a big faux paus in the LDS filled land of Utah) I pretty much disengaged thirty minutes into our hours long date. Aside from pretty delicious kettle corn and actually having conversations with the other girl's date, there were not a lot of positives. The park only had port-a-potties and I broke the zipper on my pants. (Yes, rationally I know these things aren't his fault, but I am blaming him anyway) Overall, not a first date made in heaven.
Many people go into first dates with the completely wrong goal. You are never going to fall in love with someone on the first date. So stop trying to get to know everything about them and telling them every little detail of your mundane existence. Because, really, THEY DO NOT CARE. You shouldn't be trying to seek out the real them, you should be trying to score a second date.
As shallow as it seems, if you aren't attracted to someone, you probably aren't going to want a second date. If you walk in and sit down and don't immediately want to jump their bones, that's okay. Don't scorn them right away. Let them use this opportunity to win you over with their wit and charm. Personalities can take so-so looks and raise them to uber-hotness. Even if you aren't normally witty or charming, now is the time to PRETEND. Even if the guy thinks you are only average, your general awesomeness could raise you to Angelina Jolie. You should be treating this date like a job interview. This person is interviewing for potential lifemate. You wouldn't want into an office and admit to the boss that you like to slack off and are terrible at customer service. You are going to fake it until you make it. And a date should be the same way.
I am not saying you should completely misrepresent yourself. You don't want to act like someone you in no way resemble. But try to highlight your best qualities and hide some of the others, until maybe date four. Knowing I am a heinous bitch, I try to tone it down some on dates and instead channel that into either self deprecating or dry wit. I know bitchy is not my best foot forward.
If anyone has been watching this season of the Bachelorette, Bachelor Ryan is the perfect example of this. He is a handsome, fit and well mannered gentleman. Emily has been intrigued by him since the beginning and he made a wonderful first impression. It is only now, that competition is getting smaller and he is confident of his foothold that he is allowing the real Ryan to come out (and real Ryan expresses himself through gems like "If you let yourself go I would still love you, I just wouldn't love ON you"). Yet he is still around, because she is still trying to decide whether to believe first impressions or not.
I am sure there are special qualities about you, that make you uniquely you. But your date doesn't need to know, day one, that your life goal is to raise kittens and share them with orphans in Africa. That's not interesting, that's scary. So try to be mysterious sexy Angelina, not the Angelina who wears blood and makes out with her brother. First impressions are everything.
Many people go into first dates with the completely wrong goal. You are never going to fall in love with someone on the first date. So stop trying to get to know everything about them and telling them every little detail of your mundane existence. Because, really, THEY DO NOT CARE. You shouldn't be trying to seek out the real them, you should be trying to score a second date.
As shallow as it seems, if you aren't attracted to someone, you probably aren't going to want a second date. If you walk in and sit down and don't immediately want to jump their bones, that's okay. Don't scorn them right away. Let them use this opportunity to win you over with their wit and charm. Personalities can take so-so looks and raise them to uber-hotness. Even if you aren't normally witty or charming, now is the time to PRETEND. Even if the guy thinks you are only average, your general awesomeness could raise you to Angelina Jolie. You should be treating this date like a job interview. This person is interviewing for potential lifemate. You wouldn't want into an office and admit to the boss that you like to slack off and are terrible at customer service. You are going to fake it until you make it. And a date should be the same way.
I am not saying you should completely misrepresent yourself. You don't want to act like someone you in no way resemble. But try to highlight your best qualities and hide some of the others, until maybe date four. Knowing I am a heinous bitch, I try to tone it down some on dates and instead channel that into either self deprecating or dry wit. I know bitchy is not my best foot forward.
If anyone has been watching this season of the Bachelorette, Bachelor Ryan is the perfect example of this. He is a handsome, fit and well mannered gentleman. Emily has been intrigued by him since the beginning and he made a wonderful first impression. It is only now, that competition is getting smaller and he is confident of his foothold that he is allowing the real Ryan to come out (and real Ryan expresses himself through gems like "If you let yourself go I would still love you, I just wouldn't love ON you"). Yet he is still around, because she is still trying to decide whether to believe first impressions or not.
I am sure there are special qualities about you, that make you uniquely you. But your date doesn't need to know, day one, that your life goal is to raise kittens and share them with orphans in Africa. That's not interesting, that's scary. So try to be mysterious sexy Angelina, not the Angelina who wears blood and makes out with her brother. First impressions are everything.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Incest and Other Weird Insecurities
My cousin's ex wife really didn't like me. As much as I would like to think the whole world revolves around me, she didn't much like his mother, sister or aunt either. But she especially didn't appreciate our relationship. She felt we were too close. My cousin was a soldier in the Army while I was nannying in Wyoming. As a live in nanny I had a fairly decent savings and during my chats with my cousin, he had mentioned that things were a little dull at the base he was at, because he was on shift overnight. So I decided to buy him a Nintendo DS to boost his downtime.I thought it would be something nice to do, considering he was serving overseas and even with my online shopping addiction I could definitely afford it. For her, this was the catalyst. She used this as "proof" that our relationship was inappropriate and ordered him to sever contact.
At the time, this both disgusted me and pissed me off. Just because she was from some backwoods in NH, where it was apparently okay to harbor those feelings about a relative, did not mean we all did. But over time, as I got (slightly) more mature and became further removed from the situation, I realized that was probably not exactly what she was afraid of.
Women have this innate competition with each other. It doesn't matter if it is competing with your sister over parents' affection, competing with your friends over men or even competing with a complete stranger walking by about fashion sense. Most women are constantly judging and critiquing. Knowing that at any given moment, other women could be comparing you sets up the mentality that everyone must be judging all the time. So while she most likely wasn't worried that my cousin and I were about to embark on a blistering affair, she probably did have a little insecurity about the fact that she was a homemaker without her own source of income and couldn't afford a few hundred dollar purchase just because. She also encouraged him to cut ties with his sister and mother. She just had this deep rooted need to be number one in his life and couldn't face the belief someone else might take that spot over.
A set of brothers I know share a house. The older brother has a live-in girlfriend. The younger brother actually introduced the two and they used to all be close. Now that the younger brother has a girlfriend who occasionally stays over. This enrages the live in girlfriend. She claims this is disrespectful to her. But in actuality she doesn't care for the competition. When she was the only female in the house, she was the alpha. Now that another girl has entered the picture, it has become an unspoken competition. Even if it is seemingly innocent comments such as "Girlfriend 2 really bakes a delicious cake", women will take it as a passive dig at their own cooking abilities.
If you are the victim of such insecurities then it helps to know the root of all evil. Perhaps knowing the real reason for such behavior will help you rise above and be the bigger person. Or even reason with the wacko. If you are aforementioned wacko, be honest with yourself for your motivations to not like someone. Not everything is a contest in life and you can only control how others view you by controlling your behavior. Stop being so insecure and using that to focus on what seems like inconsequential details.
Because if you really are worried that your husband will cheat on you with his cousin, girl, just let him go. You do not need that incestuous crazy in your life.
At the time, this both disgusted me and pissed me off. Just because she was from some backwoods in NH, where it was apparently okay to harbor those feelings about a relative, did not mean we all did. But over time, as I got (slightly) more mature and became further removed from the situation, I realized that was probably not exactly what she was afraid of.
Women have this innate competition with each other. It doesn't matter if it is competing with your sister over parents' affection, competing with your friends over men or even competing with a complete stranger walking by about fashion sense. Most women are constantly judging and critiquing. Knowing that at any given moment, other women could be comparing you sets up the mentality that everyone must be judging all the time. So while she most likely wasn't worried that my cousin and I were about to embark on a blistering affair, she probably did have a little insecurity about the fact that she was a homemaker without her own source of income and couldn't afford a few hundred dollar purchase just because. She also encouraged him to cut ties with his sister and mother. She just had this deep rooted need to be number one in his life and couldn't face the belief someone else might take that spot over.
A set of brothers I know share a house. The older brother has a live-in girlfriend. The younger brother actually introduced the two and they used to all be close. Now that the younger brother has a girlfriend who occasionally stays over. This enrages the live in girlfriend. She claims this is disrespectful to her. But in actuality she doesn't care for the competition. When she was the only female in the house, she was the alpha. Now that another girl has entered the picture, it has become an unspoken competition. Even if it is seemingly innocent comments such as "Girlfriend 2 really bakes a delicious cake", women will take it as a passive dig at their own cooking abilities.
If you are the victim of such insecurities then it helps to know the root of all evil. Perhaps knowing the real reason for such behavior will help you rise above and be the bigger person. Or even reason with the wacko. If you are aforementioned wacko, be honest with yourself for your motivations to not like someone. Not everything is a contest in life and you can only control how others view you by controlling your behavior. Stop being so insecure and using that to focus on what seems like inconsequential details.
Because if you really are worried that your husband will cheat on you with his cousin, girl, just let him go. You do not need that incestuous crazy in your life.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Hollywood
Recently, I have been re-watching Dawson's Creek (and yes I am aware of what a sad commentary this is on my lack of social life). This show came out when I was ten and I remember thinking that I could not wait for high school. The kids on the show seemed to have such exciting lives and I definitely wanted to experience it for myself. And while I loved high school (and yes, now I am aware that I look even more lame), it was nothing like Capeside High. Thoroughly disappointing.
Hollywood has a way of making even the most mundane activities seem exciting. High school dramas are filled with scandal and intrigue and love stories. Little to no mention is made of the deluge of school work most kids find themselves under these days. Actual classes take a back seat to the social importance to high school, setting up a very unrealistic expectations for what high school is like. After high school is even worse. Often dream jobs are just handed to the main characters. The show One Tree Hill is a prime example of this. Fast forward five years and the friends are now successful fashion designers, authors, pro athletes, musicians and more. Because who doesn't have all that achieved by 23?
The most unfortunate dramatization by Hollywood is in romance. The romantic genre is one of the highest grossing every year. Women (and men) flock to these films and shows, wanting to believe that they too can have their fairy tale esque ending. It sets up these guidelines to romance that few couples ever match. Women expect men to fill the shoes of these characters who make sweeping romantic gestures.
The whole Hollywood concept of the one has women across the nation waiting for their soulmate. But what most people don't realize is that any given time in your life, you have different criterion for a soul mate. So how could there just be one to suit you? Movies like the Notebook with their whole "meant to be together" and "destiny" themes create the illusion that true love is dramatic and heart wrenching. But true love could just as easily be steady and strong. It doesn't have to be a passionate whirlwind to be real.
I have friends who have had high drama relationships filled with highs and lows, infidelity and scandal. But does that make their love any more real than the friends who have more sedate and calm relationships? Is it about the better love or the better selling story? People watch movies and TV and read books to escape their own reality. For a little while to be immersed in someone else's fiction and pretend to be someone they are not. But with the prevalence of this today, more and more people forget that movies are fiction and not how to guides for life.
In movies there are writers to make sure the romantic lead always knows what to say to make the leading ladies swoon. There are editors to call for a do over if the passion doesn't feel strong enough. Stylists so the couple looks flawless and beautiful, because that's what we are trained to believe love is. However it is important to remember that, those scenes are just illusions designed to resonate and tug at the heartstrings. Because I know if, in real life, someone slow jogged toward me with their blonde hair flowing in the breeze, a la Dawson Leery, I would probably be overcome with the cheesy factor and lose it to laughter, not lust.
Hollywood has a way of making even the most mundane activities seem exciting. High school dramas are filled with scandal and intrigue and love stories. Little to no mention is made of the deluge of school work most kids find themselves under these days. Actual classes take a back seat to the social importance to high school, setting up a very unrealistic expectations for what high school is like. After high school is even worse. Often dream jobs are just handed to the main characters. The show One Tree Hill is a prime example of this. Fast forward five years and the friends are now successful fashion designers, authors, pro athletes, musicians and more. Because who doesn't have all that achieved by 23?
The most unfortunate dramatization by Hollywood is in romance. The romantic genre is one of the highest grossing every year. Women (and men) flock to these films and shows, wanting to believe that they too can have their fairy tale esque ending. It sets up these guidelines to romance that few couples ever match. Women expect men to fill the shoes of these characters who make sweeping romantic gestures.
The whole Hollywood concept of the one has women across the nation waiting for their soulmate. But what most people don't realize is that any given time in your life, you have different criterion for a soul mate. So how could there just be one to suit you? Movies like the Notebook with their whole "meant to be together" and "destiny" themes create the illusion that true love is dramatic and heart wrenching. But true love could just as easily be steady and strong. It doesn't have to be a passionate whirlwind to be real.
I have friends who have had high drama relationships filled with highs and lows, infidelity and scandal. But does that make their love any more real than the friends who have more sedate and calm relationships? Is it about the better love or the better selling story? People watch movies and TV and read books to escape their own reality. For a little while to be immersed in someone else's fiction and pretend to be someone they are not. But with the prevalence of this today, more and more people forget that movies are fiction and not how to guides for life.
In movies there are writers to make sure the romantic lead always knows what to say to make the leading ladies swoon. There are editors to call for a do over if the passion doesn't feel strong enough. Stylists so the couple looks flawless and beautiful, because that's what we are trained to believe love is. However it is important to remember that, those scenes are just illusions designed to resonate and tug at the heartstrings. Because I know if, in real life, someone slow jogged toward me with their blonde hair flowing in the breeze, a la Dawson Leery, I would probably be overcome with the cheesy factor and lose it to laughter, not lust.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Zac Efron
Because I am always out with a variety of male friends, I am often the victim of them checking out other girls right in front of me. Aside from this sometimes grossing me out, with their complete lack of taste or standards, it really doesn't bother me. Because they don't have to impress me, they are blantant about doing it right in front of me. But even in relationships, it doesn't bother me if my guy has a wandering eye. As long as that's all that's wandering...
Jealousy is a pretty normal and common emotion. But so is lust. I lust for baking supplies. I lust for nice shoes. And sometimes, I lust for Zac Efron. Most of the time, I think his movies are pretty crappy. But I watch them anyway, because he is just plain pretty. I know that a variety of grooming and stylist people (and incredibly lucky genes) help him get that way everyday. But he is still nice to look at.
To men, many women are on par with (a female version) of Zac Efron. They look at a girl and they don't see the push up bra and twenty minutes of fiddling with make up that went into her appearance. They just think "ohh nice". That doesn't mean they want to be with her, or to be with you any less. It just means, for a brief moment she caught their eye. Men are like animals, shiny objects attract their attention.
While it is normal to feel a little bit jealous when you catch your boyfriend doing this, try to scale back on the attitude or accusations. There is no need to blow up or freak out. Yes, he looked at her. Yes, you caught him. Yes, he most likely thinks she's hot. But no, it doesn't mean he is leaving you to chase her down across the mall and run away with her. Stop overreacting.
You could make a joke out of it, but a lot of the time that comes off as passive aggressive. So it's best not to say or do anything. Just ignore it. And hopefully the next time you are out to dinner and a sexy stranger strays across your path, your man will return the favor.
Next time you see your dude scope out a cutie, a little less than subtly, let him off the hook. Because really, no one watches Zac Efron movies for the plot.
Jealousy is a pretty normal and common emotion. But so is lust. I lust for baking supplies. I lust for nice shoes. And sometimes, I lust for Zac Efron. Most of the time, I think his movies are pretty crappy. But I watch them anyway, because he is just plain pretty. I know that a variety of grooming and stylist people (and incredibly lucky genes) help him get that way everyday. But he is still nice to look at.
To men, many women are on par with (a female version) of Zac Efron. They look at a girl and they don't see the push up bra and twenty minutes of fiddling with make up that went into her appearance. They just think "ohh nice". That doesn't mean they want to be with her, or to be with you any less. It just means, for a brief moment she caught their eye. Men are like animals, shiny objects attract their attention.
While it is normal to feel a little bit jealous when you catch your boyfriend doing this, try to scale back on the attitude or accusations. There is no need to blow up or freak out. Yes, he looked at her. Yes, you caught him. Yes, he most likely thinks she's hot. But no, it doesn't mean he is leaving you to chase her down across the mall and run away with her. Stop overreacting.
You could make a joke out of it, but a lot of the time that comes off as passive aggressive. So it's best not to say or do anything. Just ignore it. And hopefully the next time you are out to dinner and a sexy stranger strays across your path, your man will return the favor.
Next time you see your dude scope out a cutie, a little less than subtly, let him off the hook. Because really, no one watches Zac Efron movies for the plot.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Being Helpless
I was driving to Tennessee once by myself when my tire popped. I pulled over and thankfully another woman pulled over right behind me. She got right out and got to work, helping me change the tire. About three minutes in the creepiest man ever pulled over. He was in overalls covered in unidentified muck, smelled and generally was just a sketchy dude. There were various creepy knives and tools in the back of his pick up. He offered to help, but thankfully we pretty much had it all done. He wouldn't go away and just continued to linger until we finished, despite us both telling him we were okay. The lady even had me follow her to the gas station where I could get a new tire, because she was from the area. I am so grateful to her, because without her I would have been completely at that man's mercy. I would have been unable to change my tire on my own and stuck. He may have been a very nice man, but then again, he may not.
I now know how to change my tire and do basic car functions. I prefer not to do them myself but if I am in a jam I need to know I can get myself out. Cars are not the only things people should know how to deal with on their own. Some others are:
1. How to change a light bulb or restart a fuse- I got electrocuted once when I was about eleven. It wasn't anything serious, just enough to freak me out about changing bulbs for the rest of my life. Now I am at the complete and utter mercy of whomever I am living with (or whomever I can rope into doing it if I live alone). Ditto for restarting a fuse switch. I am not entirely sure how, so I just don't, to avoid making it worse. It would be nice to be able to depend on yourself, because trust me, it is no fun navigate a dark room for a week, until someone else will change your lamp.
2. Being a good house guest- This one may not necessarily be preventing you from "helplessness" but if you are a terrible house guest once, you will never have a place to stay again. So it saves you from a big hotel bill. There are things I would have thought no person would have to be told, but after having a two week house guest from hell this past winter, I fully embrace that assuming makes an ass out of you. If someone is letting you stay with them, clean up after yourself. Do not leave your food strewn about on the counters or dirty dishes scattered about the living room. Even if someone else that lives there does it, it is not okay. Now it is just a bigger mess for the person who has to clean up after both your asses. If you are staying on a pull out or a regular sofa in the main living room, clean your bed up daily. Remember this is a common living space. And most importantly, be cordial. Even if there are roommates you don't know or didn't come to see, make an effort, because living in the same house for two weeks is awkward for anyone. Especially surly strangers.
3. Use a map or take good directions- Last week I left my friend's apartment in a town I don't live in and when I had gotten just far enough away that I couldn't safely navigate my way back to his place for directions, my phone (with GPS) died. I genuinely had no clue how to get where I was trying to go and ended up getting there on the power of prayer alone. I used to have a map book in my car, but when I got a GPS I took it out. I would have gladly stopped at a store to ask for directions, but I was stuck squarely in a residential neighborhood and couldn't work up the nerve to knock on a house door. It is important to understand basic map reading skills because there are times when you can't get a signal or your battery dies. And when someone is giving you verbal directions, it is a good idea to write them down. So keep a pen and paper in your car!
4. Basic first aid- Ever since I got my AED certification I have always morbidly hoped to witness someone having a heart attack. I really want to be able to yell "clear" and hit someone with those paddles. I know that it is extremely unlikely but I live the dream. But even if you don't one day imagine yourself in this situation, it is good to know basic first aid. I recommend taking a course and getting the certification, but if you can't afford that, look up courses that are just how to, without the credits. You never know when an emergency might strike or where you will be!
5. Making and keeping a budget- I live for the day that a fabulously wealthy man comes and rescues me from my middle class lifestyle. Then in addition to all kinds of charming household help, we can also have an accountant who will keep charge of the hundreds of thousands I receive in my just because budget for the month. Until that sainted day, however, I am stuck schlubbing it out with a budget. For people like me, who aren't paid every week, it can be really hard to plan for the longer term in between pay periods. That's why it is always a good idea to stick to a budget for things like groceries and toiletries. I even try to ration out how much I can spend on impulse shopping each month. This prevents you from using all your money in the first few days and living off Ramen for a month. (Unless like my old roommate, you genuinely enjoy Ramen)
6. Doing laundry, fixing a button or a hem- A friend of mine made all of her formal dresses in high school. Not only did she save money, but she got to design exactly what she wanted and what looked best on her. While I know not everyone is Martha Stewart with a sewing needle, there is no excuse to not be able to sew on a button or repair a hem. A button has button holes. (Duh) This is basically a map of where to put the needle. Just pull it through as many times as needed for the button to feel secure! Ta da! And now you can even buy handy dandy pre-threaded needles in a variety of thread colors. Just in case that was your excuse. This past winter, I completely destroyed my work pants. I dragged the hem so ragged, a coworker told me I looked homeless. When it came time to turn my uniform in, I really did not want to pay the thirty dollars for ruining them. So I bought a needle and some thread and just took the hem up a bit. While not good as new, it was good enough to pass uniform inspection and the supplies only cost me about 5 dollars. Same thing with laundry. While it would be lovely to send it all out and get it back fresh and clean, it is far cheaper to do your own. And even if you live with your parents and mom still does it for you, what will you do one day if she is on vacation and you run out of clothes?
7. Basic car functions- We have already covered the importance of knowing how to change your tire, but it is also a good idea to know how to jump start your car. At least once in your life, you will probably leave the lights on and drain the battery. Unless you have AAA (and plenty of time to wait around for them), the best thing to do is just whip out the jumper cables and charge it back up. It is also a good idea to know how to add windshield wiper fluid, antifreeze, oil, etc to your car. You can find the instructions in your car manual or ask a mechanically inclined friend to show you how. Also, it is a good idea to know how to drive a standard and an automatic. While it is easy to find the car of your choice these days there may come a time, (such as an emergency or a scary boss at a greenhouse forcing you) when you have to drive a stick and trust me, an emergency is not the best time to learn.
Now I must admit, while I do know how to do almost everything on this list (okay you caught me, I STILL can't drive a stick) there are times I certainly choose not to. I hate driving. Any time someone offers to drive me somewhere, I jump on that offer. I once flirted with the Autozone worker so he would take his break and put oil in my car. I usually wait for my dad to fix the wiring or lightbulbs, because I don't want to blow up. I don't think I have ever put air in my own tires. (I won't even weedwack, because I have an irrational fear of losing my toe) But these are all my choices. It isn't because I am not prepared. Contrary to what Disney movies would have you believe, there is not always some prince or charmer there to help you out. And really, the helpless act isn't all that cute when you aren't Snow White.
I now know how to change my tire and do basic car functions. I prefer not to do them myself but if I am in a jam I need to know I can get myself out. Cars are not the only things people should know how to deal with on their own. Some others are:
1. How to change a light bulb or restart a fuse- I got electrocuted once when I was about eleven. It wasn't anything serious, just enough to freak me out about changing bulbs for the rest of my life. Now I am at the complete and utter mercy of whomever I am living with (or whomever I can rope into doing it if I live alone). Ditto for restarting a fuse switch. I am not entirely sure how, so I just don't, to avoid making it worse. It would be nice to be able to depend on yourself, because trust me, it is no fun navigate a dark room for a week, until someone else will change your lamp.
2. Being a good house guest- This one may not necessarily be preventing you from "helplessness" but if you are a terrible house guest once, you will never have a place to stay again. So it saves you from a big hotel bill. There are things I would have thought no person would have to be told, but after having a two week house guest from hell this past winter, I fully embrace that assuming makes an ass out of you. If someone is letting you stay with them, clean up after yourself. Do not leave your food strewn about on the counters or dirty dishes scattered about the living room. Even if someone else that lives there does it, it is not okay. Now it is just a bigger mess for the person who has to clean up after both your asses. If you are staying on a pull out or a regular sofa in the main living room, clean your bed up daily. Remember this is a common living space. And most importantly, be cordial. Even if there are roommates you don't know or didn't come to see, make an effort, because living in the same house for two weeks is awkward for anyone. Especially surly strangers.
3. Use a map or take good directions- Last week I left my friend's apartment in a town I don't live in and when I had gotten just far enough away that I couldn't safely navigate my way back to his place for directions, my phone (with GPS) died. I genuinely had no clue how to get where I was trying to go and ended up getting there on the power of prayer alone. I used to have a map book in my car, but when I got a GPS I took it out. I would have gladly stopped at a store to ask for directions, but I was stuck squarely in a residential neighborhood and couldn't work up the nerve to knock on a house door. It is important to understand basic map reading skills because there are times when you can't get a signal or your battery dies. And when someone is giving you verbal directions, it is a good idea to write them down. So keep a pen and paper in your car!
4. Basic first aid- Ever since I got my AED certification I have always morbidly hoped to witness someone having a heart attack. I really want to be able to yell "clear" and hit someone with those paddles. I know that it is extremely unlikely but I live the dream. But even if you don't one day imagine yourself in this situation, it is good to know basic first aid. I recommend taking a course and getting the certification, but if you can't afford that, look up courses that are just how to, without the credits. You never know when an emergency might strike or where you will be!
5. Making and keeping a budget- I live for the day that a fabulously wealthy man comes and rescues me from my middle class lifestyle. Then in addition to all kinds of charming household help, we can also have an accountant who will keep charge of the hundreds of thousands I receive in my just because budget for the month. Until that sainted day, however, I am stuck schlubbing it out with a budget. For people like me, who aren't paid every week, it can be really hard to plan for the longer term in between pay periods. That's why it is always a good idea to stick to a budget for things like groceries and toiletries. I even try to ration out how much I can spend on impulse shopping each month. This prevents you from using all your money in the first few days and living off Ramen for a month. (Unless like my old roommate, you genuinely enjoy Ramen)
6. Doing laundry, fixing a button or a hem- A friend of mine made all of her formal dresses in high school. Not only did she save money, but she got to design exactly what she wanted and what looked best on her. While I know not everyone is Martha Stewart with a sewing needle, there is no excuse to not be able to sew on a button or repair a hem. A button has button holes. (Duh) This is basically a map of where to put the needle. Just pull it through as many times as needed for the button to feel secure! Ta da! And now you can even buy handy dandy pre-threaded needles in a variety of thread colors. Just in case that was your excuse. This past winter, I completely destroyed my work pants. I dragged the hem so ragged, a coworker told me I looked homeless. When it came time to turn my uniform in, I really did not want to pay the thirty dollars for ruining them. So I bought a needle and some thread and just took the hem up a bit. While not good as new, it was good enough to pass uniform inspection and the supplies only cost me about 5 dollars. Same thing with laundry. While it would be lovely to send it all out and get it back fresh and clean, it is far cheaper to do your own. And even if you live with your parents and mom still does it for you, what will you do one day if she is on vacation and you run out of clothes?
7. Basic car functions- We have already covered the importance of knowing how to change your tire, but it is also a good idea to know how to jump start your car. At least once in your life, you will probably leave the lights on and drain the battery. Unless you have AAA (and plenty of time to wait around for them), the best thing to do is just whip out the jumper cables and charge it back up. It is also a good idea to know how to add windshield wiper fluid, antifreeze, oil, etc to your car. You can find the instructions in your car manual or ask a mechanically inclined friend to show you how. Also, it is a good idea to know how to drive a standard and an automatic. While it is easy to find the car of your choice these days there may come a time, (such as an emergency or a scary boss at a greenhouse forcing you) when you have to drive a stick and trust me, an emergency is not the best time to learn.
Now I must admit, while I do know how to do almost everything on this list (okay you caught me, I STILL can't drive a stick) there are times I certainly choose not to. I hate driving. Any time someone offers to drive me somewhere, I jump on that offer. I once flirted with the Autozone worker so he would take his break and put oil in my car. I usually wait for my dad to fix the wiring or lightbulbs, because I don't want to blow up. I don't think I have ever put air in my own tires. (I won't even weedwack, because I have an irrational fear of losing my toe) But these are all my choices. It isn't because I am not prepared. Contrary to what Disney movies would have you believe, there is not always some prince or charmer there to help you out. And really, the helpless act isn't all that cute when you aren't Snow White.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Love Potion #9
I was once romantically interested in someone for four years. (Yes, I know, pathetic. Thank you for the interweb judgement) Crazy as it seems, I really felt that if I continued to give this guy my all, one day he would just wake up and realize how much he wanted to be with me. I did everything I could. I cooked, cleaned, was sweet, gave great gifts and went out of my way to be supportive. In a shocking twist (okay I can be wry about it now, but was actually genuinely shocked at the time), he never did wake up and want to be with me. This message finally broke through to me when he got another girlfriend.
One would assume that Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" regaining popularity with Adele's recent cover would get the message across to ladies worldwide. You cannot make someone have feelings for you. Unfortunately, there is no magic love potion or secret to it. Ladies are programmed to thinking if they want to be with someone and that person doesn't reciprocate feelings, it is because of some lack in them. It isn't. It isn't about what you could be doing better, or could be doing more of.
You cannot create feelings. A relationship with someone is compromised of an attraction- both physically and mentally. A physical attraction is very important. I have known many great guys, who I genuinely care for. But unluckily, I couldn't force the physical attraction. And it isn't about becoming what you think the other person finds attractive, they have to want you for you. A mental attraction is liking the personality behind the face. You can find someone hot, but hate everything about them. You should never change your personality to suit someone else, because it will never be a real relationship and it will end poorly.
Sometimes, one finds themselves in a relationship where the other person isn't as invested. The common thing to do is step up your game and try to win them back. But once someone falls out of love, you shouldn't have to force them back in. It should never be a battle for your boyfriend or husband to love you. If they don't, as painful as it is, you need to accept it.
All that being said, there are situations in which friendship grows into something more. But that is a genuine friendship where the person knows and loves who you are. Not what you can do for them. Don't be someone's doormat. Love yourself enough to find someone who loves you and stop trying to make it happen with someone who doesn't.
One would assume that Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" regaining popularity with Adele's recent cover would get the message across to ladies worldwide. You cannot make someone have feelings for you. Unfortunately, there is no magic love potion or secret to it. Ladies are programmed to thinking if they want to be with someone and that person doesn't reciprocate feelings, it is because of some lack in them. It isn't. It isn't about what you could be doing better, or could be doing more of.
You cannot create feelings. A relationship with someone is compromised of an attraction- both physically and mentally. A physical attraction is very important. I have known many great guys, who I genuinely care for. But unluckily, I couldn't force the physical attraction. And it isn't about becoming what you think the other person finds attractive, they have to want you for you. A mental attraction is liking the personality behind the face. You can find someone hot, but hate everything about them. You should never change your personality to suit someone else, because it will never be a real relationship and it will end poorly.
Sometimes, one finds themselves in a relationship where the other person isn't as invested. The common thing to do is step up your game and try to win them back. But once someone falls out of love, you shouldn't have to force them back in. It should never be a battle for your boyfriend or husband to love you. If they don't, as painful as it is, you need to accept it.
All that being said, there are situations in which friendship grows into something more. But that is a genuine friendship where the person knows and loves who you are. Not what you can do for them. Don't be someone's doormat. Love yourself enough to find someone who loves you and stop trying to make it happen with someone who doesn't.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Tying On An Apron
One of my closest friends has three younger sisters. He is (and I am) good friends with the one nearest to his age. But if you ask him, he will tell you the middle one is his favorite. His best friend has referenced wanting to marry the middle girl when she is older. Their reason? She cooks for them. She frequently cooks them breakfast in the mornings, without even being asked or rewarded. And she is a GOOD cook!
Gender equality aside, men appreciate a woman who is a good cook. In fact, when I was asking for suggestions for my book, one of my male friends told me to write that "cooking trumps vadge, everytime" (verbatim quote). Any woman can offer her lady bits. In today's society of fast food and staying at home with your parents til 30 it is a rare lady who can whip up a good meal. We have all heard the old adage that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach. There are some men who like cooking, but to most, cooking means shoving pizza rolls into the microwave oven. They hope that their lady can take care of them. This is also a good way to win over future in-laws, new neighbors and people in general. I tend to give out baked goods and other homemade treats as gifts.
But gals need to eat too. Even if you aren't cooking to impress, you need to be able to feed yourself enjoyably. Learn what you like. You can definitely use shortcuts to simplify, but it should be something more than a lean cuisine in the oven for twenty minutes.
And, when in kitchen doubt, there are millions of recipes online. You don't have to be the perfect little woman or June Cleaver, but there is no excuse to have zero dishes in your bag of tricks.
I have added some recipes underneath for cooking to impress, whether it is to win his heart through his stomach or filling your empty stomach. I haven't included staples like steak or baked potato, because I think throwing something on the grill should be self explanatory.
Baked Ravioli
Pasta (all carbs really) are among my favorite things to eat. This is good meal to eat alone or serve to a group as it is easy to add or subtract servings.
1 package fresh or frozen cheese ravioli 1 jar tomato sauce goat or mozzarella cheese, shredded
fresh basil, shredded crushed garlic
Preheat the oven to 350 and spray a baking dish with non stick spray. Lightly coat the bottom in a THIN layer of sauce. Then cover the sauce in a layer of ravioli. Add more sauce, cheese, spinach and garlic. Then cover with more ravioli. Add one last layer of cheese and sauce. Bake until cheese is melted and ravioli is soft. (Obviously frozen stay in longer than fresh)
Short Cut Chicken Pot Pie
This is one of my favorite things to make when I am craving simple comfort food. It is so easy to make and tastes delicious!
1 package of biscuits can of peas chopped carrots chopped or baby onions
cream of chicken soup cubed cooked potatoes chicken black pepper
Preheat the oven according to the biscuit directions. Mix all ingredients except for the biscuits in a pie dish. Cover with a single layer of biscuits and bake until they aren't gooey. (Usually another five minutes or so from the directions)
Cowboy Beer Bread
This is an excellent housewarming or hostess gift. I usually add dill or dried onions but you can put in whatever you want!
2/3 c brown sugar 12 oz beer 1/2 tsp baking powder 3 c flour 1/2 c butter, melted
Preheat the oven to 375 and grease a loaf pan. Mix the sugar and beer. Mix in the baking powder and then slowly stir in the flour. Add in whatever herbs you want. Bake for 40 mins and remove from oven. Pour buttter over loaf and bake for ten more minutes. Cool and wrap in cellophane.
"Fried" Ice Cream
I like to make this as an impressive dessert when having people over. Its actually really easy and not too messy.
vanilla ice cream cinnamon graham crackers cornflakes cereal cinnamon and brown sugar
Scoop out vanilla ice cream and use your hands to form a tennis ball sized round. Place on a lined baking sheet. When you have the desired amount place in the freezer. Place crackers and cornflakes in a gallon sized ziploc bag and crush with a rolling pin. Pour onto a plate and mix in cinnamon. Roll ice cream in the mixture one at a time. Sprinkle a little bit of cinnamon and brown sugar on top. Freeze until use. Serve with honey or hot fudge drizzled on top.
Gender equality aside, men appreciate a woman who is a good cook. In fact, when I was asking for suggestions for my book, one of my male friends told me to write that "cooking trumps vadge, everytime" (verbatim quote). Any woman can offer her lady bits. In today's society of fast food and staying at home with your parents til 30 it is a rare lady who can whip up a good meal. We have all heard the old adage that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach. There are some men who like cooking, but to most, cooking means shoving pizza rolls into the microwave oven. They hope that their lady can take care of them. This is also a good way to win over future in-laws, new neighbors and people in general. I tend to give out baked goods and other homemade treats as gifts.
But gals need to eat too. Even if you aren't cooking to impress, you need to be able to feed yourself enjoyably. Learn what you like. You can definitely use shortcuts to simplify, but it should be something more than a lean cuisine in the oven for twenty minutes.
And, when in kitchen doubt, there are millions of recipes online. You don't have to be the perfect little woman or June Cleaver, but there is no excuse to have zero dishes in your bag of tricks.
I have added some recipes underneath for cooking to impress, whether it is to win his heart through his stomach or filling your empty stomach. I haven't included staples like steak or baked potato, because I think throwing something on the grill should be self explanatory.
Baked Ravioli
Pasta (all carbs really) are among my favorite things to eat. This is good meal to eat alone or serve to a group as it is easy to add or subtract servings.
1 package fresh or frozen cheese ravioli 1 jar tomato sauce goat or mozzarella cheese, shredded
fresh basil, shredded crushed garlic
Preheat the oven to 350 and spray a baking dish with non stick spray. Lightly coat the bottom in a THIN layer of sauce. Then cover the sauce in a layer of ravioli. Add more sauce, cheese, spinach and garlic. Then cover with more ravioli. Add one last layer of cheese and sauce. Bake until cheese is melted and ravioli is soft. (Obviously frozen stay in longer than fresh)
Short Cut Chicken Pot Pie
This is one of my favorite things to make when I am craving simple comfort food. It is so easy to make and tastes delicious!
1 package of biscuits can of peas chopped carrots chopped or baby onions
cream of chicken soup cubed cooked potatoes chicken black pepper
Preheat the oven according to the biscuit directions. Mix all ingredients except for the biscuits in a pie dish. Cover with a single layer of biscuits and bake until they aren't gooey. (Usually another five minutes or so from the directions)
Cowboy Beer Bread
This is an excellent housewarming or hostess gift. I usually add dill or dried onions but you can put in whatever you want!
2/3 c brown sugar 12 oz beer 1/2 tsp baking powder 3 c flour 1/2 c butter, melted
Preheat the oven to 375 and grease a loaf pan. Mix the sugar and beer. Mix in the baking powder and then slowly stir in the flour. Add in whatever herbs you want. Bake for 40 mins and remove from oven. Pour buttter over loaf and bake for ten more minutes. Cool and wrap in cellophane.
"Fried" Ice Cream
I like to make this as an impressive dessert when having people over. Its actually really easy and not too messy.
vanilla ice cream cinnamon graham crackers cornflakes cereal cinnamon and brown sugar
Scoop out vanilla ice cream and use your hands to form a tennis ball sized round. Place on a lined baking sheet. When you have the desired amount place in the freezer. Place crackers and cornflakes in a gallon sized ziploc bag and crush with a rolling pin. Pour onto a plate and mix in cinnamon. Roll ice cream in the mixture one at a time. Sprinkle a little bit of cinnamon and brown sugar on top. Freeze until use. Serve with honey or hot fudge drizzled on top.
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Being Easy
I recently walked into a friend of mine's bedroom and could not see the floor. I had to wade through a sea of dirty clothes and lord knows what else. There were empty condom wrappers on the floor by the bed. And in the bathroom, was the real horror. The toilet looked like a science experiment gone awry. There was GROWTH. He is notorious for bringing girls home so I had asked him, horrified, how he ever got girls to sleep with him in those conditions. He shrugged and told me that once they got there, they were already committed and his room didn't deter them. He wasn't embarrassed, because he knew he would never see those girls again. And he doesn't respect his bar trash enough to clean up for them.
There are many movies nowadays based on casual sleeping arrangements. Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached both came out last year. They are based on the casual just friends sex arrangement. But of course, in the end, the couples fall in love and end up together. (Which really defeats the whole purpose of the movie). I would like to see a movie in which the heroine starts sleeping with a guy, falls in love with him and gets heartlessly rejected. As that is much more realistic. Girls enter into these relationships thinking they can eventually break the guy down and start dating him. But unfortunately it usually doesn't work like that.
In arrangements, when you are really "friends" with benefits and you actually hang out with the person outside of sleeping together, that is a slightly more solid foundation for a romance. But if someone is just texting you for booty, take the hint that they don't really respect you. Someone who doesn't take the time to talk to you and get to know you, isn't someone interested in being with you.
Even if you aren't in FWB situations, you can be making the same mistakes. Going home from a bar with a stranger or rando isn't the way to start a marriage. Most guys aren't thinking "This girl begging to get it in seems really sweet. I should introduce her to my mother". As much as it sucks, or is a double standard, there is a stigma attached to girls who sleep around. It's not fair, but dating material is not the stereotype. I am not saying it would never work out, if he actually calls you when he says he will. But don't go home with people expecting future wedded bliss.
That all being said, if sleeping around is just your thing, power to you. This past year, someone taught me the phrase "homey-hopper" (apparently girls who like to sleep around in the same group of friends). If that is what you are looking for, I am not judging that. But just make sure you are getting around for the right reasons, because you want to. Not because you think that is how to get someone to like you. Liking your vagina is not the same thing...
There are many movies nowadays based on casual sleeping arrangements. Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached both came out last year. They are based on the casual just friends sex arrangement. But of course, in the end, the couples fall in love and end up together. (Which really defeats the whole purpose of the movie). I would like to see a movie in which the heroine starts sleeping with a guy, falls in love with him and gets heartlessly rejected. As that is much more realistic. Girls enter into these relationships thinking they can eventually break the guy down and start dating him. But unfortunately it usually doesn't work like that.
In arrangements, when you are really "friends" with benefits and you actually hang out with the person outside of sleeping together, that is a slightly more solid foundation for a romance. But if someone is just texting you for booty, take the hint that they don't really respect you. Someone who doesn't take the time to talk to you and get to know you, isn't someone interested in being with you.
Even if you aren't in FWB situations, you can be making the same mistakes. Going home from a bar with a stranger or rando isn't the way to start a marriage. Most guys aren't thinking "This girl begging to get it in seems really sweet. I should introduce her to my mother". As much as it sucks, or is a double standard, there is a stigma attached to girls who sleep around. It's not fair, but dating material is not the stereotype. I am not saying it would never work out, if he actually calls you when he says he will. But don't go home with people expecting future wedded bliss.
That all being said, if sleeping around is just your thing, power to you. This past year, someone taught me the phrase "homey-hopper" (apparently girls who like to sleep around in the same group of friends). If that is what you are looking for, I am not judging that. But just make sure you are getting around for the right reasons, because you want to. Not because you think that is how to get someone to like you. Liking your vagina is not the same thing...
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Getting Crunk
When I was a freshman in college, a friend of mine shit her pants. Not a little bit of pee that slipped out while she was laughing. Not a little toot that had an accidental poopsy along with it. Full on, running down her legs, had to throw her pants away, SHIT HERSELF. It started out innocently enough. We all went to a party in the beginning of freshman first semester. Flash forward to her stumbling home and me depositing her in my bed with the guys across the hall standing guard while I tried to find her roommate. I had to drag her into the shower after she vomited in my bed. There we began to smell a foul odor as she was nearly incoherent. We lugged her into the living room and after much debate we decided to strip her down so she wouldn't freeze in her wet clothes. Then, we discovered a mess unlike any other. While the details are not necessary, let's just say the next day my towels were ruined and there was shit on my walls and carpet.
I know this is an extreme example of girls gone wild. But it is stuff like this that girls never think can happen to them. You are out with the girls at the bar and when the bartender sends over free shots, you take them. (Shout out to you, Jaime from the Philippines and all the free Red-Headed Sluts on Ship'n'Males Nights!) But the problem with this is that most girls severely overestimate their tolerance. Ladies, most of the time you are smaller than men. And I am not saying I don't know a few girls who can drink men under the table. But I know of no men who get sloppy drunk the way women do.
There are a variety of drunk personas one adapts. There are (but are not limited to)
-The REALLY REALLY EXCITED Drunk- She is SO SO SO happy you are here tonight. It is going to be a super fun time! Usually squeaks in a high pitched voice all evening and has the piercing giggle to go with it. Less annoying than other drunks, but still can grate on ones nerves.
-The Slutty Drunk- The hot mess who is not afraid to show you how happy she is you are here tonight. This could take the form of flashing, slutty stories, girl on girl action, random one night stands or the best possible scenario of really cheering your boyfriend up that night.
-The Seasick Drunk- This one is easily recognizable by the weaving and unsteady gait. Usually followed by horror movie worthy vomiting. This can be avoided once one spots the warning signs of slurred speech and a glassy gaze.
-The Emo Drunk- The most depressing person ever. This person's life sucks more than anyone's ever. More than starving African children even. Nothing can compare to the pain and angst they feel on a daily basis. Because you have shared this wonderful bonding experience of drinking together, they are going to drop their life story on you like napalm.
-The Aggressive Drunk (Also known as Liquid Courage Drunk)- There are two different versions to this gal. One is the shy lady who suddenly emerges out of her cocoon (even though you sometimes wish she would hop back in). Suddenly she is more gregarious and social. The other type of is the "I know I am always right" imbiber, who will challenge you on every single thing you say, merely because they didn't say it first.
-The Superstar Drunk- This one is actually my personal favorite, as it usually takes the form of public humiliation. These people are just waiting for that moment where they can break free and really shine. These are the William Hungs of bar karaoke or the rejected extras from Step Up 32 (or whatever random sequel they are on). Drunky McDrunkerson KNOWS they are a star, especially after six shots....
-The Incredibly Mellow Drunk- The range of mellow can start at merely subdued all the way down to catatonic. This person is not going to start fights, embarrass themselves, or generally interact at all.
Aside from the Mellow Drunk, most of the behaviours when drunk are embarrassing when sober. People need to be aware of their limit of both beer and hard drinks. And be aware of what kind of drunk you are. If three drinks makes you happy and cheerful but anything more than four makes you want to weep gently while singing Adele, know when to cut yourself off. Stop before you embarrass yourself or drag everyone else around you down all night. Nobody wants to be entertaining a puker or crier all night. And remember, just because you can't remember what happened, doesn't mean everyone else forgot. Enjoy the shame.
(PS. When heading out for a night on the down, please remember to wear the proper undergarments, as no one likes a drunk girl vag shot)
I know this is an extreme example of girls gone wild. But it is stuff like this that girls never think can happen to them. You are out with the girls at the bar and when the bartender sends over free shots, you take them. (Shout out to you, Jaime from the Philippines and all the free Red-Headed Sluts on Ship'n'Males Nights!) But the problem with this is that most girls severely overestimate their tolerance. Ladies, most of the time you are smaller than men. And I am not saying I don't know a few girls who can drink men under the table. But I know of no men who get sloppy drunk the way women do.
There are a variety of drunk personas one adapts. There are (but are not limited to)
-The REALLY REALLY EXCITED Drunk- She is SO SO SO happy you are here tonight. It is going to be a super fun time! Usually squeaks in a high pitched voice all evening and has the piercing giggle to go with it. Less annoying than other drunks, but still can grate on ones nerves.
-The Slutty Drunk- The hot mess who is not afraid to show you how happy she is you are here tonight. This could take the form of flashing, slutty stories, girl on girl action, random one night stands or the best possible scenario of really cheering your boyfriend up that night.
-The Seasick Drunk- This one is easily recognizable by the weaving and unsteady gait. Usually followed by horror movie worthy vomiting. This can be avoided once one spots the warning signs of slurred speech and a glassy gaze.
-The Emo Drunk- The most depressing person ever. This person's life sucks more than anyone's ever. More than starving African children even. Nothing can compare to the pain and angst they feel on a daily basis. Because you have shared this wonderful bonding experience of drinking together, they are going to drop their life story on you like napalm.
-The Aggressive Drunk (Also known as Liquid Courage Drunk)- There are two different versions to this gal. One is the shy lady who suddenly emerges out of her cocoon (even though you sometimes wish she would hop back in). Suddenly she is more gregarious and social. The other type of is the "I know I am always right" imbiber, who will challenge you on every single thing you say, merely because they didn't say it first.
-The Superstar Drunk- This one is actually my personal favorite, as it usually takes the form of public humiliation. These people are just waiting for that moment where they can break free and really shine. These are the William Hungs of bar karaoke or the rejected extras from Step Up 32 (or whatever random sequel they are on). Drunky McDrunkerson KNOWS they are a star, especially after six shots....
-The Incredibly Mellow Drunk- The range of mellow can start at merely subdued all the way down to catatonic. This person is not going to start fights, embarrass themselves, or generally interact at all.
Aside from the Mellow Drunk, most of the behaviours when drunk are embarrassing when sober. People need to be aware of their limit of both beer and hard drinks. And be aware of what kind of drunk you are. If three drinks makes you happy and cheerful but anything more than four makes you want to weep gently while singing Adele, know when to cut yourself off. Stop before you embarrass yourself or drag everyone else around you down all night. Nobody wants to be entertaining a puker or crier all night. And remember, just because you can't remember what happened, doesn't mean everyone else forgot. Enjoy the shame.
(PS. When heading out for a night on the down, please remember to wear the proper undergarments, as no one likes a drunk girl vag shot)
Friday, May 25, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Muffin Tops
When I was 12, my doctor told me I had birthing hips. She was British and really lacking in a bedside manner. It probably didn't occur to her that this isn't what a little girl wants to hear. But due to my Italian heritage, they have only gotten bigger over the years. This makes shopping very difficult. It took a while but I have finally accepted that I am going to be a larger size than I would like to be. No matter how thin I get, there is just no squeezing. These hips do not lie.
Which is why nothing drives me crazier than a muffin top. In case you live under a rock, or English is not your native tongue, I am not talking about the upper bit of a baked good. The muffin top to which I refer is the excess amount of flesh that hangs over your jeans' waistband. Muffin top is not some incurable or unpreventable condition. And it is not something that is hidden from view when you are checking your reflection in the mirror. So why do people insist on pressing their flab into a too small size? Don't get me wrong, this isn't something from which only overweight or tubby people suffer. Thin girls can rock the top too. It comes from convincing yourself you are a smaller size than you really are. Ladies, stop lying to yourself. You can fib to people about what size clothes you are. Despite it being a dubious claim, I could tell everyone I was a size six if I really wanted to. (I check in at a proud size 10/12, thank you birthing hips). No one can read the label inside of your jeans. But everyone can see your muffin top.
Fashion today is really not flattering to my body type, no matter how hard I wish. Since most people aren't shaped like mannequins, ladies need to stop assuming just because it looks good on the mannequin it will look just as good on them. It is so important to dress for your shape. When those baby doll empire waist shirts were all the rage, they made me look nine months pregnant. Not a mere four or five, but the full nine. It was not a good look. I suffered through being unfashionable in fitted Ts, but was comforted by the fact that I didn't appear with child.
No matter what shape or size, there is a style that looks best on you. Learn what that is and fully embrace it. Men especially, tend to have no clue what the current fashions are, but they can tell you if you look good. Trying to force yourself in something that is haute couture but a bad fit is much worse than simple and elegant pieces that work for you. Be honest with yourself when you look in the mirror and go out and grab some bigger pants. If you want a muffin top, head to Dunkin' Donuts.
I am sure I ruffled a few feathers with this post. I am not opposed to that, but I will say that I am not touting that everyone needs to be lean and mean. If you are healthy and happy, more power to your thunder thighs. But true acceptance of your size includes dressing the part.
Which is why nothing drives me crazier than a muffin top. In case you live under a rock, or English is not your native tongue, I am not talking about the upper bit of a baked good. The muffin top to which I refer is the excess amount of flesh that hangs over your jeans' waistband. Muffin top is not some incurable or unpreventable condition. And it is not something that is hidden from view when you are checking your reflection in the mirror. So why do people insist on pressing their flab into a too small size? Don't get me wrong, this isn't something from which only overweight or tubby people suffer. Thin girls can rock the top too. It comes from convincing yourself you are a smaller size than you really are. Ladies, stop lying to yourself. You can fib to people about what size clothes you are. Despite it being a dubious claim, I could tell everyone I was a size six if I really wanted to. (I check in at a proud size 10/12, thank you birthing hips). No one can read the label inside of your jeans. But everyone can see your muffin top.
Fashion today is really not flattering to my body type, no matter how hard I wish. Since most people aren't shaped like mannequins, ladies need to stop assuming just because it looks good on the mannequin it will look just as good on them. It is so important to dress for your shape. When those baby doll empire waist shirts were all the rage, they made me look nine months pregnant. Not a mere four or five, but the full nine. It was not a good look. I suffered through being unfashionable in fitted Ts, but was comforted by the fact that I didn't appear with child.
No matter what shape or size, there is a style that looks best on you. Learn what that is and fully embrace it. Men especially, tend to have no clue what the current fashions are, but they can tell you if you look good. Trying to force yourself in something that is haute couture but a bad fit is much worse than simple and elegant pieces that work for you. Be honest with yourself when you look in the mirror and go out and grab some bigger pants. If you want a muffin top, head to Dunkin' Donuts.
I am sure I ruffled a few feathers with this post. I am not opposed to that, but I will say that I am not touting that everyone needs to be lean and mean. If you are healthy and happy, more power to your thunder thighs. But true acceptance of your size includes dressing the part.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Yo Mama
One of my closest guy friends has what I like to call a "hetero life mate". They met in their teens and instantly bonded. Unfortunately life got in the way. Both guys entered into serious relationships and for a while seemed to all exist in harmony. Then a falling out occurred between the girls and it strained the guys' relationship. It has never been expressed by the ladies that the men cannot hang out, however it is strongly inferred. However, one of these dudes is getting married and the bride to be has told her future life partner that the other cannot be the best man.
I know that is it a common adage that men fall in love with their mothers. But this does not mean they want the person they fall in love with to start behaving like their mother. There is a fine line between taking care of someone and smothering them. And it astonishes me, the sheer number of women that feel they can tell their partners what to do. I accept that I am a pretty temperamental person, but I like to think my future partner will never order me about like a house servant. He is free, however, to express his opinions and know that I will genuinely consider his point of view. (Yes, I am aware that my incredibly high standards contribute to my still being alone. How considerate of you to point it out.) But at the end of the day, I am a big girl and don't need an extra parent lurking about and handing out directives.
Women are nurturing creatures and want to express their love through that nurture. But you shouldn't necessarily express your romantic love the same as you would for your newborn child. Men do not need -and do not like, usually- to be coddled like an infant. After years of child care, I find my default nature is to tell people "no". But I recognize the problem and make a valiant effort to shut it down in relationships. All women should do the same. Stop telling men what to do. Stop staying up late like a worried mama, when he is out without you. If he is going to cheat or get into a massive car wreck, your mystical powers of staying up late ARE NOT going to stop him. Don't remind your guy that he needs to eat healthier. Chances are, Mom, he already knows and doesn't care. (Much like when people tell me I shouldn't consume so many trans fats) Act like his lover and not like his parent.
Because Oedipus complex aside, nobody wants to have sex with their mothers...
I know that is it a common adage that men fall in love with their mothers. But this does not mean they want the person they fall in love with to start behaving like their mother. There is a fine line between taking care of someone and smothering them. And it astonishes me, the sheer number of women that feel they can tell their partners what to do. I accept that I am a pretty temperamental person, but I like to think my future partner will never order me about like a house servant. He is free, however, to express his opinions and know that I will genuinely consider his point of view. (Yes, I am aware that my incredibly high standards contribute to my still being alone. How considerate of you to point it out.) But at the end of the day, I am a big girl and don't need an extra parent lurking about and handing out directives.
Women are nurturing creatures and want to express their love through that nurture. But you shouldn't necessarily express your romantic love the same as you would for your newborn child. Men do not need -and do not like, usually- to be coddled like an infant. After years of child care, I find my default nature is to tell people "no". But I recognize the problem and make a valiant effort to shut it down in relationships. All women should do the same. Stop telling men what to do. Stop staying up late like a worried mama, when he is out without you. If he is going to cheat or get into a massive car wreck, your mystical powers of staying up late ARE NOT going to stop him. Don't remind your guy that he needs to eat healthier. Chances are, Mom, he already knows and doesn't care. (Much like when people tell me I shouldn't consume so many trans fats) Act like his lover and not like his parent.
Because Oedipus complex aside, nobody wants to have sex with their mothers...
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Cheating
When I was 16 my best friend and I were determined to join as many clubs and be in as many yearbook photos as possible. This led us to a week long field trip to Washington DC. Our first morning in the hotel we had decided to branch out and make as many new friends as we could. We walked into the dining room and there sitting at a nearly empty table, was the most attractive guy I had ever seen. Even though he was sitting down, you could tell he was tall and muscular. He had blonde hair and brown eyes and was laughing at something his companion had just said. I immediately knew which table I wanted to sit at and what friends I wanted to make. And he turned out to be just as nice as he was attractive. We spent a lot of time together that week and I was smitten. (I even got up and went jogging with him in the morning, which considering my complete lack of athleticism and grace, was a big concession) There was a MAJOR problem however. This paragon of manhood was clearly too good to be single. He had a long term girlfriend. All week, I mooned over him and the other girls in my group all just urged to me go for it and kiss him. They didn't understand why I wouldn't. If he was the kind of guy who would kiss me while having a girlfriend, then he wasn't the type of guy I wanted to kiss.
Everyone out there likes to think they are special. They have something a little extra. Females especially think this when it comes to relationships. And there is a whole special breed of clueless female called "the other woman". No matter how these girls (no matter their age, they are all naive enough to still be called girls) enter into relationships with unavailable men, they normally believe they are going to be special. They are going to be the exception.
For a majority of these women, they know their guy has a girlfriend or wife, but they claim to be so in love that they couldn't fight it. Usually this is compounded by the guys convincing the women that they don't love their girlfriends or wives. They are only in it for the kids. The wife doesn't understand him anymore. Or they don't sleep together anymore (this one is always less convincing when the wives turn up pregnant). He is just waiting for the right time to end it.
Did you know that the divorce rate for second marriages is actually higher than it is for first marriages? Why do we think this is? It's not because tigers suddenly changed their stripes.
Okay, Slutty McSlut, you and your skanky ways have successfully lured him away from his "boring and old" wife. Now you'd better fight like hell to hold on to him, because you are NOT special and if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.
The first time we do anything we know is wrong, we feel guilty. But the more we repeat it, the less guilty we feel. Eventually the guilt completely disappears. This principle applies to sneaking extra chips, telling white lies AND cheating on your significant other. Men tell themselves all kinds of things to absolve themselves of this guilt. And they tell their other women the stories too. The more the justifying men do, the more they believe their own bullshit.
And once they completely absolve themselves of the guilt in cheating, they'll cheat on you too.
(In the end, the attractive guy and I stayed friends and stayed in touch. One day, his girlfriend ended up hacking into his email and sending me an EXTREMELY pissed off email. It felt incredibly good to be able to tell her we were simply friends and nothing more. And not to be lying. It felt even better when he dumped her)
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Crying
This past weekend I was lucky enough to get pulled over for a record NINTH time in my short driving career. And with such a high number to my credit, you would assume the cost of tickets has racked on up. But, even though I have been pulled over more times than the number of years I have been driving, I have only gotten a whopping ONE ticket. If you ask my guy friends, they will tell you it is because my chest is so large. But I like to think it is because I compose myself well. While getting a ticket sucks, it really isn't the end of the world. And most of the time, I would have deserved it. So I remain calm and cordial. I even occasionally crack a joke or two. And I truly believe this is why I haven't been swimming in ticket fees. Girls tend to be dramatic by nature. Even things that aren't super important take on epic proportions when a female is upset. And then they over dramatize. This is incredibly annoying in and of itself but one thing can make it even worse: Crying.
To men, crying is unfair. Half the time they don't even understand why you are upset. Instead of logically laying it out for them, women dissolve into tears and thoughts just go flying out of a man's brain.
I, myself am a sympathetic crier. I frequently lose it during movies and TV shows. But when in an argument I am usually more pissed than sad and the tears remain locked away. However, there is a whole category of ladies who can cry on command and this is one of the most manipulative tools out there. Men don't really do well with emotions, as a general rule. But crying is a whole hurricane of emotion that they weren't prepared for and thus they frequently cave to the crier. And that is CHEATING.
I am not saying you cannot genuinely be overcome with emotion during a particularly vicious argument, on occasion. But this should be the exception, not the rule. And if you are turning it on, purposely, for the majority of your arguments, you are an extremely shitty person. If it is coming down to you having no recourse other than tears, then you should just admit you are wrong. Otherwise, you would be able to use your words to win.
And besides, crying is just annoying as hell.
To men, crying is unfair. Half the time they don't even understand why you are upset. Instead of logically laying it out for them, women dissolve into tears and thoughts just go flying out of a man's brain.
I, myself am a sympathetic crier. I frequently lose it during movies and TV shows. But when in an argument I am usually more pissed than sad and the tears remain locked away. However, there is a whole category of ladies who can cry on command and this is one of the most manipulative tools out there. Men don't really do well with emotions, as a general rule. But crying is a whole hurricane of emotion that they weren't prepared for and thus they frequently cave to the crier. And that is CHEATING.
I am not saying you cannot genuinely be overcome with emotion during a particularly vicious argument, on occasion. But this should be the exception, not the rule. And if you are turning it on, purposely, for the majority of your arguments, you are an extremely shitty person. If it is coming down to you having no recourse other than tears, then you should just admit you are wrong. Otherwise, you would be able to use your words to win.
And besides, crying is just annoying as hell.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Mixed Signals
A friend of mine really wanted to break up with his girlfriend. Being too much of a coward (or in the code men use to defend themselves, "too lazy"), to do it himself he decided to just do everything he could to piss her off until she dumped him. He would ignore her phone calls. He would be rude right to her face. He turned into a complete asshole. And to his horror, SHE STAYED WITH HIM. She put up with weeks of this behavior, unwilling to realize or accept that their relationship was clearly over. He wouldn't be treating her that way if he still wanted to be with her.
There is no such as a mixed signal. The signals are all there, but people are too stupid to pick up on them. When it comes to each other, women are the master of subtle code and yet all of this flies out the window when mixed gender relationships come into play.
If someone doesn't ask you out, he doesn't want to go out with you.
If someone doesn't call you back, he doesn't want to talk to you.
If someone doesn't do something they said they would, they don't care enough about you to follow through.
If someone doesn't return messages, they are avoiding you.
It doesn't matter what they have said or done before, pick up on social cues!
There are no excuses or mixed signals to justify whatever crazy story you are telling yourself. Stop asking your girlfriends for advice about the mixed signals you are getting from the cute guy at work who you KNOW wants to ask you out. He is just very busy at work right now. And his mom's sister's aunt's neighbor is in the hospital. But you are one hundred thousand percent sure he likes you because he always says good morning in the hall. And that is a sign isn't it?
Women can justify anything to convince themselves that what they want is really going to happen and that is where "mixed signals" came from. You want to believe something so badly that you are willing to convince yourself that is within your grasp. But what you really need is someone to say is "Girl, unless he is in a wheelchair unable to articulate and must only use his blink code to ask you out, there is no signal he is sending. So stop clinging to the desperate hope that his picking up the pencil you dropped or asking how your day was is his nonverbal cue to marry him".
No matter how tempted you are to make allowances for the mixed signals, realize next time that they really don't exist. Except in your mind.
There is no such as a mixed signal. The signals are all there, but people are too stupid to pick up on them. When it comes to each other, women are the master of subtle code and yet all of this flies out the window when mixed gender relationships come into play.
If someone doesn't ask you out, he doesn't want to go out with you.
If someone doesn't call you back, he doesn't want to talk to you.
If someone doesn't do something they said they would, they don't care enough about you to follow through.
If someone doesn't return messages, they are avoiding you.
It doesn't matter what they have said or done before, pick up on social cues!
There are no excuses or mixed signals to justify whatever crazy story you are telling yourself. Stop asking your girlfriends for advice about the mixed signals you are getting from the cute guy at work who you KNOW wants to ask you out. He is just very busy at work right now. And his mom's sister's aunt's neighbor is in the hospital. But you are one hundred thousand percent sure he likes you because he always says good morning in the hall. And that is a sign isn't it?
Women can justify anything to convince themselves that what they want is really going to happen and that is where "mixed signals" came from. You want to believe something so badly that you are willing to convince yourself that is within your grasp. But what you really need is someone to say is "Girl, unless he is in a wheelchair unable to articulate and must only use his blink code to ask you out, there is no signal he is sending. So stop clinging to the desperate hope that his picking up the pencil you dropped or asking how your day was is his nonverbal cue to marry him".
No matter how tempted you are to make allowances for the mixed signals, realize next time that they really don't exist. Except in your mind.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Being a Bitch
I get called a bitch on a pretty regular basis. As a joke and in all seriousness. By my friends, by strangers, even my dad has been known to throw it out during our arguments. And you know what? I AM a bitch.
There has been some sort of feminist movement in the past decade or so to try to claim back the word "bitch" to be a strong, independent woman. Or people will say, well nobody would call her a bitch if she was a man. And they're right. If she was a man, she would be a dick. To me a strong independent woman is just that. A bitch on the other hand, is a bitch.
I like to think that I am smarter than the average human and instead of using my powers for good, I use them for evil. I always have some quick, snarky comeback or insult. And while my comments are usually hilarious they are almost always mean. And I know it. This doesn't mean I am not a good person. I do volunteer work, I give to charity and I have literally carried an old lady's groceries home. But for whatever reason I am just mean to those around me.
I really wish that I hadn't grown up in the nineties when that whole "strong, independent woman" belief was being fostered. Or that one of my friends had sat me down and told me to stop being such a bitch. Really it is not an attractive quality. As long as I know that...
Nobody really likes listening to gossip. Along the same lines of "if he will cheat WITH you..." is the principle of "if she will gossip WITH you". Any time you start any story with "Well I wasn't supposed to say anything" or "I shouldn't tell you but..." the person you are talking to cannot help but wonder if you share their secrets with everyone. People may love to get the dish from you but they are reviewing everything they have ever told you mentally and are vowing to not tell you any new information in the future.
The worst part about gossip is unfortunately, that it isn't always true. If it is true I try to suscribe to the theory of "they shouldn't have done it if they didn't want everyone talking about it". I am blessed with friends who take every unfortunate episode that I have ever had and share it with EVERY SINGLE PERSON THEY MEET (they still tell the story of when I farted at a slumber party TEN years ago, complete with noise re-enactment). But at the same time I feel this makes me a stronger person. Or I don't do things if I know they will be super embarrassing later on. But what about that uncomfortable rumor that you just can't put to bed? The one that isn't even true. When it is about you, you can't help but get so frustrated and wonder why people won't SHUT UP! And then the next time a juicy rumor comes around you are the first one spreading it around without any thought to its truthfulness. Maybe it is a little bit of what goes around comes around...
There is also a common misconception that girls in relationships and girls with close guy friends all seem to fall prey to. You want to be close to the men in your life. This often means sharing the minute details of your life and day. Even if that is some hot gossip about your sister's boyfriend's cousin that you just have to share! Newsflash...MEN DO NOT CARE! They really don't. This is something I hear all the time. I don't know if it is because men are less shallow than us or what, but most of the time most of the straight men I know really don't want to be engaged in a discussion about something they really could not care less about and gossip is definitely one of those topics. If this is the only thing you try to talk about with your guy, he is going to start to reevaluate your relationship, be it friendship or romantic, because no one wants to be bored all of the time.
The same thing goes for cattiness. Bitch or not, most girls have a tendency to tear down other people. It may not be mean spirited but it usually comes off that way to men. And I hate to break it to you ladies, catty is NOT cute. On a daily basis I find myself judging other people. It could be on their clothes, their looks, what comes out of their mouth, really nothing is off bounds for me. And I usually let loose with my opinions (some recent observations, "I hate shorts with tights, just wear pants!" and "It makes me uncomfortable when obese people complain about working out on Facebook") to whomever is around me. Or even who is reachable by text. (Remember, I fully admitted to being a bitch) And no matter how well you know me, those judgements just reflect poorly on me.
So remember, if you want to be a strong female who handles her business, by all means, do so. But don't lie to yourself that treating people like crap isn't being an utter bitch.
There has been some sort of feminist movement in the past decade or so to try to claim back the word "bitch" to be a strong, independent woman. Or people will say, well nobody would call her a bitch if she was a man. And they're right. If she was a man, she would be a dick. To me a strong independent woman is just that. A bitch on the other hand, is a bitch.
I like to think that I am smarter than the average human and instead of using my powers for good, I use them for evil. I always have some quick, snarky comeback or insult. And while my comments are usually hilarious they are almost always mean. And I know it. This doesn't mean I am not a good person. I do volunteer work, I give to charity and I have literally carried an old lady's groceries home. But for whatever reason I am just mean to those around me.
I really wish that I hadn't grown up in the nineties when that whole "strong, independent woman" belief was being fostered. Or that one of my friends had sat me down and told me to stop being such a bitch. Really it is not an attractive quality. As long as I know that...
Nobody really likes listening to gossip. Along the same lines of "if he will cheat WITH you..." is the principle of "if she will gossip WITH you". Any time you start any story with "Well I wasn't supposed to say anything" or "I shouldn't tell you but..." the person you are talking to cannot help but wonder if you share their secrets with everyone. People may love to get the dish from you but they are reviewing everything they have ever told you mentally and are vowing to not tell you any new information in the future.
The worst part about gossip is unfortunately, that it isn't always true. If it is true I try to suscribe to the theory of "they shouldn't have done it if they didn't want everyone talking about it". I am blessed with friends who take every unfortunate episode that I have ever had and share it with EVERY SINGLE PERSON THEY MEET (they still tell the story of when I farted at a slumber party TEN years ago, complete with noise re-enactment). But at the same time I feel this makes me a stronger person. Or I don't do things if I know they will be super embarrassing later on. But what about that uncomfortable rumor that you just can't put to bed? The one that isn't even true. When it is about you, you can't help but get so frustrated and wonder why people won't SHUT UP! And then the next time a juicy rumor comes around you are the first one spreading it around without any thought to its truthfulness. Maybe it is a little bit of what goes around comes around...
There is also a common misconception that girls in relationships and girls with close guy friends all seem to fall prey to. You want to be close to the men in your life. This often means sharing the minute details of your life and day. Even if that is some hot gossip about your sister's boyfriend's cousin that you just have to share! Newsflash...MEN DO NOT CARE! They really don't. This is something I hear all the time. I don't know if it is because men are less shallow than us or what, but most of the time most of the straight men I know really don't want to be engaged in a discussion about something they really could not care less about and gossip is definitely one of those topics. If this is the only thing you try to talk about with your guy, he is going to start to reevaluate your relationship, be it friendship or romantic, because no one wants to be bored all of the time.
The same thing goes for cattiness. Bitch or not, most girls have a tendency to tear down other people. It may not be mean spirited but it usually comes off that way to men. And I hate to break it to you ladies, catty is NOT cute. On a daily basis I find myself judging other people. It could be on their clothes, their looks, what comes out of their mouth, really nothing is off bounds for me. And I usually let loose with my opinions (some recent observations, "I hate shorts with tights, just wear pants!" and "It makes me uncomfortable when obese people complain about working out on Facebook") to whomever is around me. Or even who is reachable by text. (Remember, I fully admitted to being a bitch) And no matter how well you know me, those judgements just reflect poorly on me.
So remember, if you want to be a strong female who handles her business, by all means, do so. But don't lie to yourself that treating people like crap isn't being an utter bitch.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Dropping Hints
Girls are passive aggressive. They have a language made up not only of words, but tone and expression. Even how slowly you draw out a word, can change the meaning. "Okay" can just mean "Alright" while "Okayyyyyy" becomes "I think you are a freaking moron and don't know why you would ever think this would be a good idea". And other women get this. I have given up trying to explain this to my guy friends, they never get why the polite phrases uttered by other women can send me over the edge. BECAUSE THIS IS A GIRL THING!
Men are very obvious creatures. They want a beer, they simply state "I want a beer". Or better yet, go get one. But if a woman would like her man to get her a drink it becomes a wistful sigh and a "I wish I had a beer". And ladies, instead of automatically assuming that he should go get you a drink, he will most likely tell you there are some in the fridge. Men do not pick up hints. They completely miss subtle hints. Don't even get obvious hints. So now, you are pissed he missed the hint. You get up, stalk into the kitchen and probably start slamming stuff around in a cue that you are mad. But don't expect an apology, since he has no clue why you are pissed or even that it is his fault.
So many fights start this way. Ladies expect men to interact the same way they do and view it as being insensitive rather than being clueless. But that's simply what it is. Men do not get it. They are not mind readers and even if they were, they would just take the statement at face value. If a man asks you what is wrong and you say nothing, he will just accept that nothing is wrong and move on to the next thought in his brain. He isn't going to spend the next three hours pondering why "nothing" was said with a long suffering sigh that must hint at deeper meaning. So if something is wrong just say "I am pissed you ate all my fancy Belgian chocolate. Buy me more please."
Perhaps it is a long career in childcare, urging children to "use their words" if they want or need anything, but to me this lesson is obvious. Women need to articulate what they want, need or feel. Because really, when you're being a passive aggressive bitch, your guy doesn't get it anyway so you are only pissing yourself off.
Men are very obvious creatures. They want a beer, they simply state "I want a beer". Or better yet, go get one. But if a woman would like her man to get her a drink it becomes a wistful sigh and a "I wish I had a beer". And ladies, instead of automatically assuming that he should go get you a drink, he will most likely tell you there are some in the fridge. Men do not pick up hints. They completely miss subtle hints. Don't even get obvious hints. So now, you are pissed he missed the hint. You get up, stalk into the kitchen and probably start slamming stuff around in a cue that you are mad. But don't expect an apology, since he has no clue why you are pissed or even that it is his fault.
So many fights start this way. Ladies expect men to interact the same way they do and view it as being insensitive rather than being clueless. But that's simply what it is. Men do not get it. They are not mind readers and even if they were, they would just take the statement at face value. If a man asks you what is wrong and you say nothing, he will just accept that nothing is wrong and move on to the next thought in his brain. He isn't going to spend the next three hours pondering why "nothing" was said with a long suffering sigh that must hint at deeper meaning. So if something is wrong just say "I am pissed you ate all my fancy Belgian chocolate. Buy me more please."
Perhaps it is a long career in childcare, urging children to "use their words" if they want or need anything, but to me this lesson is obvious. Women need to articulate what they want, need or feel. Because really, when you're being a passive aggressive bitch, your guy doesn't get it anyway so you are only pissing yourself off.
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