Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Sucking

       I looked like shit today. I will be the first to own it. First of all my work uniform is heinous. Nothing about a polo is even remotely flattering. And because work shirts tend to be one size fits NO ONE I have to get a size that is tight around my bust and loose everywhere else. Most days I can improve on this with hair and make up but today was not one of those days. I had no make up on my face and my unwashed hair was so greasy that I couldn't even keep it up because it kept sliding out of its elastic. So needless to say, I wasn't beating the men off with a stick.
      When I walked past a group of four guests, three women and one man, I gave a cordial "good morning" and a smile. Only the gentleman even acknowledged that I spoke. I don't mean he was the only one who replied or smiled back, but genuinely the only one who even registered that I was a human being on this earth as opposed to the ladies who could not even deign to lower themselves to look at me. As previously established I wasn't particularly foxy today so it's not even like he was hitting on me. He was just being polite. Why on earth would these women I've never met before and thus never could hav possibly offended, not do the same?
       Women are mean. Women are bitches. It really is true. I'd like to be all "rah, rah, girl power, solidarity sisters!" But the honest truth is, there is no solidarity. Women (yes I'm generalizing) tend to view other women as opponents, rivals, something to be looked down upon. I commented on this in one of my earliest blogs and said that the concept of "frenemies" is something that only women have. And it's true.
       Women judge and build up preconceived notions of who other women are. I had a friend tell me recently that she didn't like me when we first met. She didn't speak to me for three weeks when I first started working with her, how can you dislike someone you have never spoken to? One of my lifelong friends told me that when we were 11 she thought I was a snob bc I looked at the sky when I walked and my hair bounced. My hair has a mind of it's own. It bounces. That doesn't make me a snob. Granted she is one of my closest and oldest friends now but this friendship may have never happened, simply because my hair bounces.
        I had really hoped that as I got older these petty problems that plagued me in my teens and early twenties as far as friendships with women would disappear but I realize now that it's not a maturity issue but a society issue. As long as women look at each other as rivals or such, there doesn't leave much room for healthy friendships and relationships. Now obviously I have some female friends that mean the world to me, so I know it's not every single lady on this earth. But as a whole, girls, you suck...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Lady Friends

      Recently my roommate and his booty call.... I don't want today got in an argument because that implies more emotion than he actually exerts on her, I suppose "got into a disagreement" is the best phrase for it. The next day, BAM! A friend request on my Facebook pops up from none other than the booty call. Now I've known this girl about two months now, she had been coming over for dinner and movies before they had ever even talked. (She's a friend of an acquaintance) I've cooked for her, I attempted to make conversation with her and overall been pretty nice to her. She's rebuffed all my overtures. She claims that I "make her uncomfortable" and tells my roommate that I "hate her". Because obviously me inviting her out, just me and her is a clear signal for hatred.
      So it was pretty obvious to me that the timing of her FINALLY reaching out to me came at a time in which she wasn't sure of her position in my roommates life. (Sidenote, I rejected her facebook friend request. Don't try to play me honey, I was practically in middle school when you were born) Why do women think they can manipulate the females in their men's lives and furthermore why do they think other women are oblivious to what they are doing?
       Same roommate has an ex living in a different country. They talk off and on and are still social media friends. One day I posted a picture of him from our hike and apparently she went mental that some other girl posted a picture of him. By himself. Fully clothed. In nature. Well her bunny boiling behavior caused him to (sadly only temporarily) block her on Facebook. A few days later I posted pictures of a group of us and tagged one of our friends who she is also friends with. She went on and liked every picture in the album her ex was in. Like. A. Crazy. Person. Then I woke up to a friend request from HER.
       Now if I was actually involved with her ex, one would assume that I would know who she is and NOT want to be her friend. And like is true, since I'm not romantically involved with her ex but in fact am friends with him and know who she is, I am CREEPED OUT and do NOT want to be her friend.
        I don't understand the agenda of someone being so obsessive that they feel the need to reach out to total strangers with hints o' creepy. But furthermore ladies, just because I am a girl who is friends with sex friend/boyfriend/other does NOT mean that I want to be your friend or that I will placidly help you commit creepery. The transitive property does not apply to my friendship. If I don't like you, I don't like you, regardless of who you are letting in your pants. Just ask many of e exes my friends have had over the years....

And in case you were wondering, crazy ex went on to be EVEN creepier and made a conjoined couples facebook for her and her EX boyfriend without his knowledge and friend requested me from that one too. I rejected that one as well....

Stay sane ladies. Stay sane.

Shit i Wish Girls Knew About Online Dating

       I recently met a really attractive fella the other day. He then opened his mouth to introduce himself to me and A. He had kombucha seeds stuck in his teeth and B. His name was Sock. Needless to say, that didn't amount to anything...
      My roommate slept with a really annoying girl the other day. Hot, yes. Annoying as hell, YES! While I am all for him getting it in, I really don't want this person involved in my life and so, in an effort to provide him with a smorgasbord of options, I signed him up for Tinder. (Not sure if I get enough readers to work out some sort of sponsorship thing, but GET @ ME TINDER)
       Of course I HAD to sign myself up too. And our other friend/coworker. (Hilarity ensued when my roommate and I "swiped right" on each other) If you don't know how Tinder works, it's basically a GPS for your lady/gentleman parts. Your genitalia emits a homing beacon of sorts to the willing genitals of people within a 100 mile radius. You are then showed a photo of this person and you can swipe right for yes or left for no. Before deciding you can click on their picture to see the rest of their profile (up to FIVE extra pictures AND a blurb!) to make sure their default photo hasn't been airbrushed beyond all recognition. If you actually care that much.
         Now I have access to both my and my roommates Tinder, thus I can offer wisdom to ladies for their own profiles as I've scrolled through a few, but also on how to avoid mega creepers. (Unless of course that's what you are looking for)
      For myself, any sort of opportunity to put myself out there completely via photos is pretty terrible, as I am very unphotogenic. Like really bad. Every time. My default picture is one of me where I yes, look halfway decent, but more importantly have a Pats jersey on. That way Broncos fans know they need not apply. I also like to think I am pretty hysterical (as hopefully you do too, since you are reading my blog) so I wanted to showcase my humorous side. So naturally I added a picture of myself kissing a stuffed shark. And also one of me riding a camel.

(In case you thought I was kidding)

        I know there are so many sexy ladies out there who want to showcase that side of yourself, but really that's terribly uninteresting. Yes, granted, Tinder is basically a sex seeking website, but if you set yourself out there that way then that is DEFINITELY all you are going to find. Also, I recently read a study saying excessive selfies are linked to mental disorders. SOOO, you know, there's that. But seriously. I know the original default picture is how you lure them in, but once they're in, what's going to keep them there? (Unless you are just looking for a shameless hookup, in which case, you do you girl) In this day and age, so many ladies feel the need to keep up with celebrities and unrealistic expectations. Stop airbrushing your photos gals. I think he will notice your DD cup disappeared when he shows up, so isn't it better to get someone who wants you for you? I know everyone wants to put their best self forward but make sure it is YOUR best self and not the best you created in PhotoShop. 

       And remember, for all the falseness you are putting out there, it is being sent back to you tenfold. I must admit I find it terribly creepy when people tell me how "sexy" I am. I mean even in real life but via online dating as an opening line? FOR SURE CREEPSHOW. If you aren't looking to build any sort of meaningful connection that's okay, but unless you want a brand new connection with your GP as they are writing you a prescription for STI antibiotics, I would steer clear of the interweb Hugh Hefners. If his severely character limited blurb has a reference to "having fun", he's just looking for sex. If it references his being clean or his preference for wearing condoms, those are probably lies. I mean I don't feel the need to share my HIV free status with the world at all times. But honestly, please be smart when you are meeting people online. If a guy asks you about work, feel free to tell him but maybe give a general response ie. "I'm a nurse" instead of "Overnight nurse at Morton Hospital". Don't give anyone your home address and offer to meet up somewhere in public the first time, don't have them pick you up. (Caveat to this, I did once meet a guy online and he picked me up from work our first time going out and while he did not serial kill me, it still kinda imploded, so do what I say, not what I do). In today's society everyone puts their business online, but let me just take this minute to remind you of the Craigslist killer. So you know, swipe left for him.

And in case you were wondering what kind of gentleman will get a right swipe from me here are a few guidelines.

-Any guy with a cat in his pictures. Recently I clicked "yes" for a guy walking a kitten on a leash and also on a guy hugging (possibly hunting??) a mountain lion. Big or small, cats definitely scream antisocial with possible access to firearms and I am all over that. 

-If you are posing with a fish. I mean goldfish no, but some sort of rugged Paul Bunyan type who reached into the frigid stream waters and extracted my dinner with his bare hands all while posing for a selfie? Yes. Just YES!!

-Anyone who opens with a comment about my shark makeout or camel ride. Glad to see we are on the same page. 

-Funny shared interests. Tinder links to your profile and thus meshes your "shared interests" with your potential partners. I live in the wilderness so yes, yes I'm sure we both like hiking and camping. Yawn. However you know you are in Utah when multiple of your matches share your interest in "Mitt Romney".

And while those are the way to my heart, here's the complete opposite side of the coin. Gentleman. Please stop asking me to cuddle/snuggle. It just makes you sound like that creepy pedo uncle. You think it's a cute and charming smokescreen to hooking. It's not. So Chester, stop trying to get me into your van for some free candy and a cuddle...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Getting Back In the Game

I know, I know. I haven't blogged in forever. I was in the world's most boring relationship, all my longtime friends are getting married and/or popping out babies and I wasn't in the best place to meet new people.

Basically I thought I was just getting to an age that I had no more crazy stories to blog about. However, I recently moved to a new place, made some new friends and came to the realization that ladies of all ages can be crazy.There's no age gap for stupidity.

Moral of the story? I'm back, bitches.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Boobies

        I have a love hate relationship with my lady lumps. They are pretty freaking large and while that sounds amazing, it's not. But some days, when I'm rocking some great cleavage or cashing in great tips in my pirate costume I love 'em. But love or hate my tatas I've always taken them for granted. (Alright I've asked my parents about 10000 times for a reduction, but I've always known they'd say no)
        Within this past year, my favorite aunt was a diagnosed with breast cancer. Don't worry she is kicking its' butt, but she had asked me to write a blog post highlighting the importance of regular screenings. I assured her I would and then? I NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT. Though I love my aunt and I know to wear pink during October and know tons of people who have been affected either directly or through a relative, it didn't seem like something that was hugely important in my life. I'm young and healthy and ignorant in the way that most young, healthy people are. But when are we going to wake up?
       Yes many of us donate that dollar at check out or wear that ribbon and feel pretty good about ourselves. But when was the last time you went in for a mammogram? I know I never have.
      And it's not just breast cancer. There are so many other horrors and ailments out there and people can't take the time to care about it. Take a selfie? Sure. Taking care of your self? Totally different story. I read this horrifying article today that said within the next five years on average 1 out of 2 people will have or will have had an STD. ONE OUT OF FREAKING TWO PEOPLE. That's 50%. That's either you or one of the next people you sleep with (and then you). I remember a few year ago everyone was all up in arms about the HPV shot and preventing cervical cancer and hyping it as people hype all trendy cause (HASHTAG I REALLY CARE ABOUT THIS SUPER IMPORTANT THING SO MUCH THAT I HAVE TO POST ABOUT IT SO YOU CAN ALL SEE HOW MUCH I CARE!!!) . But then that stupid shot became a big controversy and does it help? became the focus. But wait a minute. WHAT ABOUT HPV?
     That shit didn't just disappear. We just stopped hearing about it. And when we stopped hearing about it, we forgot about the importance of PAPs and other screenings. People stopped taking as many precautions because it would never happen to them. But guess what? That's what everyone thinks.
      Yes it's important to take care of your career and your relationship and your car and your kids. But most important of all is taking care of YOURSELF. Stop putting off that check up or saying you are going to get around to it. Because it could just be that by the time you get around to it, it's going to be too late. Stop making excuses. Yes a mammogram sucks. But chemo sucks much worse. So toughen up gals and give your ladies a squeeze.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Annoying Me

        I don't think I am particularly easy to annoy. I have spent the past five years or so working with children (and foreigners), which I think means I am a fairly patient individual. However there are things that ladies do/say that REALLY get under my skin. Which I figure means it annoys the world in general. Which means you should stop doing it.

1. Using the phrase "I am a really good listener". REALLY?!? Did you just listen to yourself sound like a douchebag? I either want to tell you or I don't. Assuring me that you are a good listener just reassured me that I fact, do not want to.

2. Calling someone "my man" or "my boo" or any derivative of this. Yes, those are your shoes. Yes that is your handbag. I am pretty sure however that any fellow human being belongs to themselves. (I am okay with definitive ownership such as MY sister, MY cousin or even MY boyfriend. But he's his own man.)

3. Starting a sentence with "I wasn't supposed to tell anyone but..." Oh you weren't supposed to tell anybody? THEN DO NOT TELL ANYONE. Are you out there spilling my secrets to the world to? Saying this to me pretty much guarantees I will never tell you anything again. The only exceptions to this rule are spouses, roommates and if your friend's boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating on them.

4. Talking on the phone while ordering food/going through a check out line/in the dressing room. Oh are you solving the national debt or curing cancer? No? Then put the goddamn phone down. It can wait. Not only does nobody need to hear your private business, it is incredibly rude to not acknowledge the fellow human being trying to serve you.

5. Pretending they're stupid. How is this still happening? I get some females are literally just stupid (Don't get me wrong, some men are too) but even more ignorant than actually being dumb is pretending to be so guys will have an interest in. If he's too unintelligent to appreciate how smart you are then he A. Doesn't deserve you and B. Will probably bore you to tears anyway. Stop doing this. Females everywhere are ashamed of you.

6. Wearing those bras with the clear plastic straps. We can still see them.

7. Saying "I'm not trying to be mean but..." or "No offense but...". YOU'RE ONLY DOING IT TO BE  MEAN OR OFFENSIVE. And that's fine by me, but at least own up to it.

8. I shouldn't admit this one because people used to do it to me all the time just to irritate me but, texting someone and then never responding when they answer. It's especially grating when it's a message like "guess what?" Bitch you just asked a question! Why would you put the phone down? You had to know an answer was coming!

9. And lastly, saying you were too busy to answer a text. I get that in the moment I texted you, you may have been otherwise occupied. However I refuse to believe you literally are busy for the rest of your life and cannot EVER respond. Therein lies the beauty of text messaging. It sits there waiting until you are ready for it. Just freaking respond. Even if it is just "lol"


I'm sure there are more. Everyone has their own annoyances but I feel these are so universally irksome that it baffles me people still do/say them. (Except for the bra thing. That could just be me)

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Perspectives

         A friend of mine is color blind. Exceptionally color blind. Theoretically I knew that and understood it but still would get frustrated when I would ask something like the color of his new truck and he wouldn't know.  It would happen on a pretty regular basis until eventually he got fed up with me, pulled out his phone and showed me an app on it that showed the world through his eyes. (Side note, the world through his eyes includes a lot of grey. I like to think this is why he mocks my hair color) This was a defining moment for me. Even though intellectually I knew the way he saw the world was different from me, it wasn't until I experienced it for myself that I really caught on.
         I know this is something I personally struggle with and I think it is pretty common. It's all about viewpoint. Recently a few different people and I have had conversations about their past romantic interest in me and each time I had been completely blown away. I had no idea and just assumed their friendly flirting was just that. I had figured if they were not making more overt moves on what I figured were my pretty blatant romantic intentions then they weren't actually interested. Well it turns out they figured the same about me. Not only did we each see ourselves as being pretty forward, we also saw the other person's interest as lighthearted. Because of that none of us made a move and it was all due to how we each interpreted the same situation.
          This also happens a lot in the beginning stages of relationships, whether they be causal or more serious. One person may interpret something such as sleeping together as being in a relationship while their partner may look at it as just "having fun". It all depends on your perspective of what dating actually is.
          What I have learned from all of these experiences is the importance of being straightforward.  Until you undergo what someone else has gone through exactly, your perspectives are never going to be exactly the same. And that's okay. Different viewpoints are what make a relationship great and what make the world go around. It is just important to recognize those differences and not assume that everyone's mind works as yours does. Because so far, I've found no one whose mind works even remotely similar to mine! ;)