Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the Green Eyed Monster

I've always liked to think that I am not a jealous person. Partly, this is because I tend to think I am so much more intelligent than other people and really what else do you need? (Aside from a healthy dose of modesty, which clearly I lack) In relationships I don't get jealous because if someone is going to cheat on you, they aren't worth your time. I don't have any sort of keeping up with the Joneses envy, so I never begrudge anyone their newest toys or gadgets.  Recently though I have a been visited by the green eyed monster.

I accept that this is not a very attractive quality and I have been trying to tamp down on my jealousy (pretty unsuccessfully I may add) but in all this attempted self improvement and  psychoanalysis is has occurred to me, do I really want this thing or do I merely just want someone else to NOT have it? When I needed to find a home for my cats, a girl I was not very fond of wanted to take one. And I did NOT want her to have it. (She wanted to change the cat's name to something stupid and a bit racist) But was it really fair for me to send the cat to a worse fate in a shelter rather than let this girl have it? Would I rather throw the rest of my sandwich away than share it with someone I am not close buddies with? So why doom a person you may only be marginally romantically interested in to loneliness merely because you don't want them to be with someone else or to be with them yourself?

Sometimes we as people need to step back and evaluate our motives and feelings. Instead of reacting to the instant slap of jealousy, take a moment and figure out why you feel that way. Then, punch that green eyed monster right back in the face.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Making an Ass Out of You and Me

Recently a good friend of mine directed his semi new girlfriend to my blog to read. She confused me with a girl he had "dated" in the past and had some not so nice comments about what she read. He had assumed she would find it funny and that we would really get along but she came in prepared to hate me for the imagined crime of having been with her man. 

Girls are the queens of making assumptions. I do it all the time. I make snap judgements about people. Which, while still not good, is still better than going in with a preconceived notion of someone based on what you have heard. Gossip, in a shocking twist, is not always accurate and it isn't fair to hate someone based on a lie. I have been told many "facts" about myself, that were known by everyone but me. There is nothing more frustrating than being told you did something when you know that you haven't but having no one believe you because they have HEARD IT. 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm completely okay with justified hatred. I tend to hate most people in fact. But it's a whole different ball game to hate someone pbased on assumptions. And you know what they say when you assume...

(PS to the new girlfriend, yes I do think quite highly of myself and no I'm not that weird...)

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Sour Milk

Imagine you walk to the fridge, grab the milk, take a big ole swig and it's sour. Do you cap it, put it back on the shelf and save it for another day? So ladies, why do you do this with men? Sour milk isn't going to magically unexpire in the fridge and an asshole isn't going to magically morph into a nice guy. 

(I'm hypocritically posting this blog by request, as a friend of mine has fallen back into the pattern of ex sex)

Recently I sat down with my ex to have a serious heart to heart and like an idiot, all my old feelings came rushing back. He said all the right things, exactly what I wanted to hear and then two days later he walked out of my life again. (I will say in his defense, he cruised out of my life, as the company switched his ship) Here I am, left behind like a fool because I was stupid enough to get reinvolved with someone who had already hurt me. 

I've said it before and I will say it again, exes are exes for a reason. It didn't work out, it's not going to work out, so stop going back to the fridge for sour milk. It's only going to make you sick in the end...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Blow Up Dolls

If a guy wants a blow up doll, he can go buy one. If he's talking to you don't pretend to be stupid just to sleep with him. (Don't get me wrong, I'm sure some of you are just stupid) I have the misfortune of hearing one of the same four conversations from the same person every time I go to the bar. I think that's her game. Now, I do think she swims in the more shallow end of the gene pool, however I think she plays up how stupid she is to get booty. And it works for her. But she is a big ho, because once it's over nobody goes back for a second time around. If she is looking for quantity rather than quality than she is on the right track. But the novelty of a blow up doll wears off rather quickly and so does the novelty of a girl that has nothing more to offer than the doll. After all, look at Jessica Simpson. 

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Shady Bitches

Recently one of my friends hooked up with a guy she liked. He's a nice guy and her type of good looking. In any other situation this would be a win. However this time, it cost her a friend. Why? Not because she did anything wrong, but because girls are shady bitches. 

This guy and her have a mutual good friend who the guy spends a lot of time with. My friend has asked the other girl on numerous occasions if she was romantically interested in the guy. Shady Girl has always said no and that they are just friends. He has said the same. So my friend assumed the path was clear there and one night without any pre-planning, it went down. 

Shady Girl found out and was furious. She refused to speak to my friend for days and when she finally did she claimed MF "should have known" that she liked the guy.  WTF?!? When did MF become a mind reader? If you ask a FRIEND about their feelings for someone then they owe you the courtesy of honesty. If they aren't honest with you, then they should only be angry with themselves. For being a sketchy liar. 

The absurdity of this was enough to label this girl Shady Bitchy, but unfortunately it doesn't end there. Despite her refusal to talk to my friend, she continued on like nothing happened with the guy. Heads up ladies, it takes two to tango. If, after the fact, you are going to refer to yourself as "together" with a guy, wouldn't he be equally if not more culpable than the friend who you said nothing was happening to?

Why do women do this? If you are going to let some guy treat you like crap then isn't only fair that their friends are allowed to treat them the same? If you are going to lie straight to your friends face, does she really owe you anything? All of this could have been avoided with a little honesty or barring that, a little understanding after the fact. If nothing else, at least tar the guy with the same brush you've dropped a friend for. 

But no, women are shady. And bitches.  

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the 411

The only thing that spreads faster than herpes on ships is gossip. True or not true, nobody cares. If you went to dinner, rented a movie or made generally any other action while on or around the boat, don't waste time telling your friends about it. They already know. 

Currently I am rumored to be hooking up with a musician. While he is certainly attractive and we do spend a lot of time together, nothing romantic ensues. But ships have the same mentality as middle school girls and obviously a mixed gender friendship is impossible without any hanky panky. 

I don't mind that people think that or that they ask me. What does irritate me however is that nobody believes me when I insist that I didn't. I am a pretty honest person. If I say i didn't do something, I didn't. But gossip doesn't care. 

The moral here isn't that ship folk gossip worse than Regina George. It's that no matter where you are in life, people will talk about you. You need to accept it. If you don't want people talking about it, don't do it. If you couldn't talk about it with your mom, don't do it. Don't engage in some horrible or embarrassing behaviors and then whine when everyone find out. You brought it on yourself. 

If I really cared people were making such a big deal about me hanging out with the musician, I would stop doing it. But honestly? I don't give a fuck. 

Rumours happen. Even Adele sings about it. Life lesson learned. 

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Beauty and the Bitch

I'm pretty sure I spend what the average (and responsible) person spends a year for mortgage on makeup. Just my make up bag alone cost fifty dollars. And that baby is bulging at the seams. It's not that I am particularly vainglorious or that I cake the makeup on. To be honest I don't even do my makeup everyday. But, in times of high stress, I shop for makeup. So needless to say, I have a lot. 

I used to joke that I was a stress cutter. (Not to make light of mental illness) When I was stressed, I would cut my hair. Or dye it. Or alter my appearance in some way. But this has resulted in five years of me trying to grow my hair out. So I have given up on the hair cutting and moved on to an obsession with makeup. And it really does make me feel better. I can walk into the shop, get a mini makeover and walk out with all the products they used, feeling like a whole new gal. Bank balance aside, it's an easy fix.

However there is a deeper psychological question to be posed here. Why does my stress/happiness level directly correlate to my appearance? Why do I need to look good to feel good? Even if you cannot relate to my shopping binges, every girl knows that when you head out feeling you like you look amazing, you automatically feel more amazing overall. Compare how you feel when you've just rolled out of bed in sweats to when you are in your favorite outfit, on a skinny day, with your hair and makeup all cooperating (every girl gets this, every guy has no idea). It's no contest.

People are constantly critiquing their bodies. "If I could just lose 5 or 10 more pounds, my life would be so much better". Why? Would your job suddenly suck less? Would you earn more? Be smarter? Suddenly develop a hidden talent or start reading more Tolstoy? No. You would just conform better to society's ideal opinion of a woman.

At the end of the day I am pretty happy with myself. I may not have Maxim's idea of a hot bod, but I think I look feminine and can throw together a decent outfit. While I may not be a face that launched a thousand ships I have no obvious deformities and I wear makeup well. My hair is a white person Afro, but then we all have our crosses to bear. I know that depending on makeup to cheer me up seems pathetic, but I do genuinely like who I am. Your appearance isn't going to change that fact that you are a shitty person inside, so remember that that is what really matters. Our society places a high premium on looks but there is no concealer for douchebaggery.