Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Snooping

          Ten years ago (this very month!) my best friend and I embarked on a very exciting school trip to DC. We decided that we hadn't paid all that money just to hang out with the same old people from school and so we plopped ourselves at a random breakfast table with students from other places. One of the students was a very cute guy from the good ole Lone Star state. We became friends and stayed in touch even after the trip was over.  One day while checking my email I came across one from the Lone Star cutie's girlfriend. She was highly unimpressed by our friendship and had some not very flattering things to say. I wrote back and apologized and explained we were just friends but that if it bothered her I would stop talking to him. She ended up apologizing and we all went on our merry way.
           While yes, it was immature of her to snoop through his messages and attack me, she did man up and apologize. And also at this time she was only SIXTEEN. You are allowed to be immature at that age. Fast forward to nowadays and it isn't so acceptable. I woke up this morning to a less than complimentary FB message (my how times have changed!) from a long time friend's girlfriend. I have never met this person but I had heard about her from my friend. In man friendships it is very common to give each other a lot of shit. He gave me some shit about my boyfriends and naturally I had to give him some back about his girlfriend. We both laughed it off, because we know it was all good natured. She apparently read his messages and did not feel it was good natured. She then proceeded to ask me while I stay in contact with "her man". (Side note I actively hate the phrase "my man". He's a person, not a pair of shoes)
        So many things are wrong with this entire situation. First of all, don't read other peoples messages. Nothing good can ever come of that. And I am vehemently opposed to the snooping through of your boyfriends'/girlfriends' messages. If you don't trust someone else enough to not creep through their messages then you obviously shouldn't be with them. If for whatever reason you accidentally peruse their messages and come across messages from the opposite gender you are ONLY allowed to be mad if the message contains something like "Thanks for the sex last night!/BJs later today?/You're so much better in bed than so and so". You are NOT allowed to be mad at messages like "I really miss the fast food/junk food in MA" or "I'm happy that you think you're girlfriend is a keeper! You deserve it!"
        Then, once you've snooped and discovered something that apparently fills you with rage the next logical thing to do is to talk it out with YOUR BOYFRIEND! Not some girl you have never met before and who did nothing wrong. Why do girls always take it out on other girls? Shouldn't you be angry with the man who betrayed you (not in this scenario, he did nothing wrong. Just in general) instead of a girl who doesn't know you? Then of course in typical girl move, to make yourself feel better you must hurl insults at the other women. Does putting someone else down magically make you feel better? (And in instances of cheating wouldn't that make you feel worse? She's so dumb/ugly/fat/whatever but he still picked her to cheat with) When I first read the messages I felt sad for this gal and tried to comfort her. The nastier she got, the less sympathetic I felt. (She was quick to inform me he called me "one of the guys" to reference how unattractive he found me. If she knew me at all, she would know I consider being one of the guys a compliment.)
          The nail in the coffin for me was when she informed me it was MY fault they were fighting. Call me ugly all you want, but this sent me over the edge. Ladies. Exhibiting stalker ish behavior and then causing a fight with your boyfriend is NO ONE'S fault but your own. Did I make you read his messages? No. Did I make you then confront him about it? Nope. Did I log into your Facebook account and send myself hostile messages? Pretty sure that as also you. So I'm gonna place the blame squarely on you here chachi.
         I know that jealousy is a natural emotion and we all can't help feeling it. But you CAN help acting on it. When you snoop, it's because you expect to find something. But like they say, people who eavesdrop rarely overhear flattering remarks. Put the phone down ladies and remember you are better than snooping! And if there IS something going on, he's not worth your time anyway!

I know this lovely lady doesn't read my blog but if she did, I would like her to know she cannot be mad I compared her to Snooki and then act like trash. And to my friend, if you are in fact reading this, you asked me to leave you alone for awhile so you could "fix it". Want my advice? You can't fix crazy...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Cady Heron and Regina George

     I always thought I was a mean girl. I will be the first to admit, I like gossip. Not necessarily negative gossip. I just like to know things. To be in the know as kids say these days. (Okay I'm sure no kids say that these days, but they used to!) And as we have previously discussed, I kinda have a serious case of "I think I am better than most people". (Just ask my poor roommate, she has to deal with it) I like to be a good person. I volunteer, I donate to charity, I even bring soup to my sick neighbors occasionally. (Okay on ONE occasion, but it still counts!) I just love me a snarky comment every now and again. But recently I've come to realize the difference in being a good person and a mean girl.
        I would like to think that most of you have seen Mean Girls. If not, put down your laptop and go rent it. Then continue on with this post. I had my own Cady Heron moment. That part at the end when she realizes picking on Miss Caroline Kraft's snuggle tooth won't help her win? That was me today.
        A few weeks ago I was the Cady Heron at the beginning of the movie. Recently I have found more in common with the plastic version. I had been screwed over by someone and used their callousness as a justification to then screw with them. The only problem with this is, it doesn't actually feel good to treat people poorly. A "friend" of mine is the type of person who needs to put others down to feel better about herself. And unfortunately no one is safe from the blast. When you are screwed over by someone you trust (a la Janis Ian) it is natural to want revenge. What no one tells you is that revenge doesn't magically make your hurt feelings go away. Being mean to my friend didn't make me feel good. It made me feel worse. I had sunk to her level.
      At the end of the day you cannot control someone else's behavior or feelings. You CAN control yours. Don't you want to be the type of person who people come to because they care about them, not for underhanded reasons? Don't you want to be the friend who builds people up, rather than tears them down? So go forth and break up your little plastic tiara and spread the pieces to the world. Remember to do good and be nice. After all, Cady got Aaron Samuels in the end.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Keeping It Real

      Recently a friend brought it to my attention that the romantic details I share about my life seem, well a little far-fetched at times. He expressed surprise that so many odd relationship things could happen to one person. So I just wanted to take time to assure everyone, yes my stories are all real. I would like to pretend that I have the imagination to make it up or that I don't have what appears to be the shittiest luck in the man department. But I do.
        Some of you read my blog for the laugh. You have your settled lives and adult level maturity and my blog provides levity and gives you a chance to step back from your reality and appreciate what you have. Good for you, you assholes. For the rest of you, the shitshows if you will, you are welcome. Please read and enjoy the fact that you are not alone in being a hot mess. In fact, I am probably more of a hot mess than you. Foreign men, shattered watches and many, many poor decisions are the hallmarks of my relationships.
       Remember folks, it could always be worse. You could always be me.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Serial Killers

      I have a sick obsession with serial killers. I love true crime movies and books. I watch a stupid amount of scary movies for a woman who lived alone for a long time. I sometimes think I should go back to school for an abnormal psych degree and get some sort of job psychoanalyzing these people. There is just one little problem. If some of these sick freaks tried to blame a tough childhood for their violent sprees, I would laugh in their face. And then probably get murdered. So you can see why I hesitate.
       Lots of people have tough childhoods. They don't all grow up to be serial killers. (We hope!) Now I get the whole cycle of abuse thing, children of abusers tend to grow up to be abusers themselves etc. But at some point, you need to grow up and stop blaming a shitty childhood for being a shitty adult.
        Same goes for relationships. Just because you got cheated on, doesn't mean you can claim some sort of damage that causes you to be a ruthless cheater now. I do get that things happen to undermine your confidence while in a relationship but unless you are still with the person that brought you down, get over it. You cannot start a new relationship with baggage from an old one. You definitely cannot be mad at your new boyfriend about something the old one did. LET IT GO. Whether it is a tough childhood, something you lost at, a crappy relationship. Whatever it is, its time has passed. Move on.

No seriously, let it go.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Superman

       I semi recently made a friend who has a little brother he lives with. Aforementioned little brother is kind of a hot mess. Yet I really like him. I have this weird urge to be his friend. My friend made a joke about him needing a good influence and I thought "Me! I could be a good influence". But why? Why do I seem to have this Superman complex, where I feel the need to save people?
        This is such a common situation among us with the double X chromosome. Women have a habit of falling for a guy they want to "save". Women convince themselves that all these men need is a steady influence and they will stop using/drinking/sucking at life or finally get a job. Flash forward. The sponge is now living off your income and using it to finance his alcohol binges. You cannot change someone who doesn't want to be saved.
         Now I don't mean to say that you should refuse to help someone who needs help. But someone who is going through a rough patch and genuinely needs help is different than someone who doesn't see a problem with their shitty lifestyle. You are not an ATM or a parole officer or a psychiatrist (and if you are, do you really want to date your work?). Date someone for the fact that they bring out the best in you, not because it would be what is best for them.
        Now I know this is easier said than down. While I have never wanted to date a fixer upper, that doesn't mean I'm not often tempted to swoop in and save the day. I just have to step back and realize I am not a superhero, out to save the world. Even though I do sometimes wear a cape ;)

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Breaking Up

       A friend of mine called me recently, quite upset at some of the hurtful things a "friend" of hers had said to her. The girl had gone off, seemingly out of nowhere and attacked. Now my friend was baffled. Even if the girl apologized, would she be able to forgive and forget?
      So many girls have friendships like these. Friends who are constantly putting you down, or being negative, or hurting your feelings on a regular basis. What kind of friendship is that? Maybe you think you owe it to this person to stay their friend and put up with their abuse. After all, you've been friends for so long. But sentimentality is no reason to put up with someone treating you poorly. Or maybe it's a recent thing and they're going through a rough time and taking it out on you. Would you stay their friend if they had recently started punching you in the face? Of course not. So stop letting them punch you in the feelings.
       It may be awkward to bring it up, but tell them. It's always good to say "hey those snide little comments you make are hurting my feelings, so what if I like to go back for second and thirds at the buffet?" Coming clean about your feelings is the best option, because if you start just retaliating with more hurtful comments, what kind of friendship is that? If you really don't feel comfortable bringing it up or she just doesn't care, then it's time to consider breaking up. After all, you would never let a guy treat you this way. So why let a girl?

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Faking It

Okay so I know I recently posted about being true to yourself in my holiday blog. I stated that if you can't cook, don't pretend you can. However, maybe you have always wanted to bake, you just never started. Or maybe you just really need to make a good impression. So here you go. Here are a few of my easiest recipes so you can fake it til you make it (or them hahah)

Italian Christmas Cookies
- 4 cups flour                -1/2 cup butter               -8 teaspoons baking powder
-1 cup sugar                  -3/4 cup milk                 -4 teaspoons lemon extract

Preheat the oven to 400* F. Cream (mix) together the butter and the sugar. Add the lemon extract and baking powder. Mix in two cups of the flour. Stir in the milk and then the rest of the flour. Dust your hands and the top of the dough with flour. Roll the dough into balls about an inch around and then flatten slightly into disks with your hand. Bake 6-8 mins. Let cool completely then frost with Buttercream Frosting.

Buttercream Frosting
-1 stick of butter, softened       -3 to 5 tablespoons milk or cream     -powdered sugar
You can also add food coloring to make whatever color frosting you want.

Mix together the ingredients, adding in as much sugar as you need to reach the desired consistency. I like mine a little stiffer, because it makes it easier to frost.


Apple Brown Betty (this one is super duper easy, for all you non bakers out there)
-7 slices of bread, cubed          -3 apples peeled and sliced              -1 1/2 sticks of butter
--1 1/2 cup of brown sugar       - 3 tablespoons cinnamon

Preheat the oven to 350*F. Grease the bottom of a pie pan and add 1/2 cup brown sugar and 1 tablespoon mix to the bottom of the pan. Layer the apples and then the cubed bread. Add another 1/2 cup brown sugar and cinnamon mix, the apples and the cubed bread. Repeat once more, using the thickest layer of bread cubes on the top layer. Top with more butter and baked covered with tinfoil for 40 minutes. Uncover and bake for five more minutes.

There you guys go! Enjoy!