Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Looking in the Mirror

The past few days I have really been psyching myself out. I left my job, made a huge move across the country, started a new job AND chopped off all of my hair. All of this whilst battling a disgusting chest cold and dealing with what could loosely be termed a long distance relationship. I have had lots of time at my new job (obviously too much time, as I used it to whack all my hair off) and instead of using this time proactively, say to unpack, I have been sweating the small stuff. Anything that I write about girls doing and being irrational about, I was guilty of this past week. A superhypocrite if you will. (SHOUTOUT TO ALL OF MY FRIENDS WHO HAD TO DEAL WITH MY CRAZED BEHAVIOR)
    Women spend so much time judging other people, that they frequently forget to judge themselves. A very important thing for us to do is look in the mirror, both figuratively and literally. Alot of times, another girl who is particularly irritating, has a very specific reason for being. Does her neurotic behavior hit too close to home? Accept this about yourself and you may find her very tolerable. Recently I found a specific coworker very very annoying. When expressing this annoyance to friends they all had one thing to say, you two are too much alike. While horrifying to psychoanalyze, it was probably true.
    Don't pick on others if you are doing the same thing. Don't dole out advice and not even consider it yourself. And don't write a blog about all the stupid shit women do and then do aforementioned stupid shit...Oh wait that is just me. :)

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Bitching and Back Fat

    When I shop for clothes with friends, alot of times they will ask "Does this make me look fat?". If it does, I usually answer "YES" and tell them to put it down. (Depending on my mood, I have also been know to answer, "no the fact that you are fat makes you look fat" but that is a story for another day) What baffles me is when they continue to argue about it. What if they lost weight? Or wore it with leggings? Or Spanx! They could buy Spanx!! This is irritating on two levels. One, looking bad is not something you can rationalize your way out of. If you hammer me enough about your muffin top and back fat bulge, they are not going to suddenly disappear. And also, if you already made your mind up about wanting it, then why ask my opinion?
    Girls are notorious for this. A girl will ask for your advice, but really all she wants is for you to agree with her. She will want to discuss it to death and weigh the pros and cons and at the end of the day, nothing you have said will make an impact because her mind is already made up. Men on the other hand rarely ask for advice. When they do ask for it, it isn't some long drawn out process or a ploy for attention. It is a simple "Here's what I need, how do I get it?" So using this as their guideline men tend to offer pretty straightforward solutions. You don't like something? Throw it away! You don't need to talk about throwing it away for a week and then never do it. Just do it!
    Women, learn that this is how men want to help. They are not criticizing you or picking on you. They are trying to help you, because YOU ASKED for it! If you continue to ignore your man's advice, eventually he is going to stop giving it to you. Constantly refusing to accept help and then whining about it later is not very endearing. If you just want someone to agree with you, phone a girlfriend. If you are looking for some true tough loving advice, ask your man. Unless you've trained him well, then he will never, ever mention your back fat...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Dealbreakers

    I tell people sometimes about my ex boyfriend who used to order chicken Caesar salad every time we went out to eat and how much it bothered me. I even go so far as to say that it has a direct correlation to our breakup. People think its hilarious or that I am exaggerating. But no, something about it really irked me that he ordered it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Granted that is not a reason to not be with someone forever but small annoyances really add up. I used to be friends with the same ex-boyfriends ex-girlfriend (if you can follow that) and naturally we talked about him. She told me that she had broken up with him because he was shorter than her. However, it wasn't the obvious reason, but because she thought if she really loved him, it wouldn't have bothered her. Ordering chicken Caesar salad wasn't the worst thing in the world, but it bothered me because it was a metaphor for his inability to try new things in love and THAT drove me crazy.
    Everyone has their dealbreakers. It could be something that prevents you from sleeping with someone, dating them or something that leads to the breakup down the road. I am the queen of ridiculous dealbreakers and impossibly high standards, so this post isn't about rising above that. However I think it is important to know exactly what your dealbreakers are. It causes more harm to try to enter into a relationship with someone knowing something about them is not to your tastes. It is impossible to try to change someone and you shouldn't want someone who was being fake anyway. So if your potential mate has an annoying quirk, it will become downright intolerable during any argument. Trust me.
    Know your type and know what you are looking for. It isn't fair to someone to string them alone if you can't stand how they lisp or nervously rub their ear. (Not that those things bother me. Okay, yes, yes they do!) Just be realistic. You probably aren't perfect so don't expect your future partner to be. Unless of course, your future partner is me!

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Riding Solo

When I was in college, I frequently went out to eat by myself. It got to the point where I was having planned once a week dinners by myself at Olive Garden, ordering the works. No one was there to watch me devour an appetizer, a meal AND a dessert. It was lovely. The best part however, was the simple relaxing. I wasn't trying to entertain anyone or gracefully talk whilst avoiding talking with food in my mouth. Sometimes I brought a book and sometimes I just sat and pondered. And this is a habit that I have carried through in my jaunts all over the world. I go out, grab a bite to eat or go to a movie solo and just enjoy my time. I don't get lonely, because I think I am pretty dang entertaining.
    Due to social media, communications and all jazz so prevalent in today's society, people are accustomed to constantly having someone to talk to. But it is important to be comfortable by yourself and with yourself. Because if you don't want to hang out with yourself, why would anyone else want to?
    I have already written about having your own hobbies and interests but hobbies can include other people. What I am talking about is simply solo time, where you relax and unwind. It can be as simple as taking a bubble bath or a whole night entertainment to stay in, paint your nails etc. Your activities don't matter so much as the process. If you cannot entertain your own self, who is predispositioned to like you, you certainly aren't going to be able to entertain someone else. A healthy self image is so important, because in normal stable relationships you can't lose sight of yourself.
    Maybe you have a wicked sense of humor or a love of hiking, but you should take something you like to do and integrate your loved one into that habit. However, if they are busy one day, the doesn't mean ditch it altogether. Strap on those hiking boots and go for a walk. Swing by the comedy club and have a laugh. If you can't entertain yourself, you will not be able to entertain anyone else. And if you don't like you, no one else will either. (Well, not any normal, decent guy that you would want) You need to bring something to the table, that makes people want to be with you. Being desperate, clingy and unable to hang out alone is not that thing.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Anger Management

      I work at a hotel front desk. It is my job, as the overnight shift, to start breakfast in the morning. It is supposed to be ready at 5:30, so while our coffee station is open 24/7, I usually rebrew the two pots at 4:45 so they are fresh for breakfast. This morning, a guest came down for coffee at 4:53 and in a belligerent tone ordered me to "BRING OUT THE REGULAR COFFEE, NOW". I smiled sweetly back at him and assured him I would bring the coffee out as soon as it finished brewing. And then I went back into the kitchen and dawdled, drawing out the time he had to wait.
    Had he only smiled and said good morning or even asked in a nicer tone I would have brought the coffee out immediately. But while I am in customer service, that doesn't mean I am a customer punching bag. The way people treat me sometimes is absolutely ridiculous. Not only should no one be talked to like I am, people seem to forget that I am the one setting the rate for their stay, preparing the food, handling their issues etc. So why alienate me?
    Below I have created a list of five other people that you should always treat well, even if you are pissed off. Because you may not like the payback you didn't even know you got...

    1. Waitresses- We all know the stereotype of angry waitstaff spitting in our food. But there are other reasons to not anger your waitresses. They aren't necessarily the ones making your food, but they are in charge of picking it up and dropping it off. It sits under a heat lamp, so irk your waitress and she may keep your food sitting out and make you wait. It will arrive hot and you will be none the wiser. Aside from pissing them off, if your waitress likes you, she may even go so far as to not include your drinks on the receipt or give you her employee discount.

    2. Airline staff- I always skip the kiosks and go up to the person behind the counter. A lot of times, just chatting with the person behind the counter and being nice and not irritable, is enough to get you upgraded. And when the hostesses are coming around handing out snacks or telling you to shut off your electronics, don't back talk. These people have the power to kick you off the plane. Look at Alec Baldwin.

    3. Medical staff, especially CNAs and RNs- I know everyone always thinks of the doctor being the most important one in the medical practice, but this is so untrue. They wouldn't be able to run anything without their nursing staff. These men and women are used to being talked down to by their doctor, they don't need it from you too. Otherwise you may find that your meal is late, your pain meds are accidentally a lower dosage or that appointment you really need is all booked up until 6 months from now.

    4. Emergency workers/public servants- Most people, myself included, have a deep appreciation for the men and women keeping our streets safe. But that doesn't stop me from being irritated when I need to pull over for an ambulance or fire truck or from being pissed when I get pulled over by a cop. Pulling someone over is a scary prospect for a cop. While most times you are just hoping you don't get a ticket, they are approaching a car knowing virtually nothing about what is going to meet them. Same goes for firefighters and EMS. So cut them some slack the next time you interact with them. Chances are, one day, you are going to need at least one of these services, so make sure you don't make them hate you.

    5. Foreigners- Working in the hospitality industry, especially on cruise ships, I get to see how a lot of people interact with foreigners. When you look at someone and immediately assume they are too stupid to understand you, that is extremely ignorant. I know I frequently pretend I either don't speak English, or that I don't understand another language as well as I do and people talk right in front of you. Its amazing how many cruisers would talk about their housekeeper right in front of them. And while they would continue to do their job, you are certainly not going to go above and beyond for someone who talks down to you. No towel animals for you...

    I know that when you are frustrated and mad, it is easy to lash out at the person nearest to you. But remember, your waitress wasn't the one who cooked your food, the hotel front desk agent wasn't the one who didn't bring you enough towels and the CNA is the one who isn't going to clean up your shit if you can't learn to manage your anger...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Shutting the Hell Up

    I have had a very quiet (read DULL AND UNINTERESTING) last couple of days. So I was just in the kitchen making breakfast, which is usually my blog brainstorming time and I couldn't come up with anything. I tried to wrack my brain for something, anything, I could write about. Just to fill today's post. It didn't necessarily have to be Pulitzer worthy, just take up some space...
    Aha! Then it hit me like a bolt of lightening. This right here is a problem. Why do people feel such a constant need to be talking or texting or emailing (the list goes on and on, who can keep up with social media?) all the day long? It is because people seem to think that it makes a better connection to overshare.
    Don't get me wrong, I text quite a bit. But I also have friends all around the world who it is just not easy to call up and chat on the phone all day with (and not just because I have a pay as you go minutes phone...). One of my closest friends lives across the country, in a different time zone. I work overnights, she works days. She's married and I am not. So it's pretty hard to nail down a time for a long phone chat. Texts work best because if one if us is sleeping or busy, we just respond when we can. We don't just fill our days with meaningless texts.
    Your boyfriend or your best friend don't need to hear about your day in real time. Stop wasting everyone's time with pointless messages throughout the day. It doesn't build some intimate connection to know exactly what someone is doing as they're doing it. You are probably defending yourself at this point by saying "Well I love them and I just want them to be excited with me." They will. At the end of the day. Face to face. Because if you chat all day, what are you going to talk about that night? And in that same vein, strangers or very close to, don't need to be privy to every move you making that day. Stop putting your daily schedule as your status. If someone really wants to know what you are up to that day, they can ask. Not stalk you down via the internet.
    Now as far as talking out loud, I know I am a nervous chatterer. I hate awkward silence. So I try to fill it. But I know this is something that drives most people crazy so I try to hold back as much as possible. So shut up. Get off the phone and the computer. Stop oversharing things nobody really cares about. And just enjoy the silence...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Kisses in the Basement

           I generally like to believe that I am smarter than most people. (Probably because, I really am smarter than most people. Sorry America.) But as much as I tell myself I do, I don't actually know everything. To that extent, my male friends have been giving me topics to write about since I launched my blog and everytime I tell them "guest write an article". Being the lazy layabouts they all are, as you can see, that hasn't happened. The other day when I was having a discussion with my good friend B, she was dropping all kinds of knowledge on me. And it hit me like a lightening bolt. Why haven't I been asking female friends to guest blog? They may know about different topics than the guys, but no less important. So with that said, I welcome you to my first ever guest written blog, by the lovely Miss B.
(Note: Anything that comes next, I have not written)

          We all know girls get a little self-conscious when it comes to boys hanging out in their basement. Does it smell weird? What have I eaten recently? Will things taste okay? When was the last time I went pee and have I taken a shower since? Have I maintained things like I should? Etc… the list can go on and on. The anxiety that often comes with these questions has left girls with a lot to be desired. Those girls can be separated into two groups; those who have never had the experience of someone going down on them and those who are way too concerned to relax and enjoy it… and let me tell you, it’s definitely something that should be enjoyed.
           The most important thing a girl should remember is that if he doesn’t want his face in your lady business he’s NOT GOING TO PUT IT THERE! I promise if for any reason at all he doesn’t feel like taking a trip downstairs he’s not going to. It’s also important to remember that if he doesn’t want to there isn’t necessarily a problem with you. Just like you they sometimes just don’t feel inclined to do it.
     However that doesn’t mean that there aren’t things that you should be doing that might encourage, or at least not prevent, him from feeling “friendly.” You don’t need to be obsessive compulsive about your peeing/shower schedule. As long as you’re practicing good personal hygiene and using toilet paper you’re going to be fine. If you think there’s a possibility of things happening you can always use a little water to clean yourself up when you use the bathroom. If there’s anything too funky going on down there, smells or whatever, you’re probably going to know before it even becomes an issue. Don’t worry about tastes; generally speaking most guys enjoy the way a girls arousal tastes and smells. As far as maintenance goes as long as you’re not growing a garden he’s probably not going to care. If you’re that concerned get ask his opinion on “hair styles.” I guarantee he has one and once he sees you with it he’s going to go crazy. If that’s too direct, for you there’s always the bare option.
      So ladies what have we learned today? A little personally hygiene is really all it takes to make sure kisses in your downstairs run smoothly, unless of course you picked a bad kisser. Unfortunately you often don’t realize that until it’s too late. Let go of all that anxiety and give your sexy man friend a tour of your basement. Who knows, he just might like the scenery.