Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Jennifer Lawrence

      I have a big ole lesbian crush on Jennifer Lawrence. In a big way. More than my actual ex-lesbian best friend's crush on Ellen DeGeneres (and trust me, I was forced to watch her stand up a zillion times, it was pretty substantial). Yes she is beautiful and gives hilariously blunt interviews, but mostly I find her opinion on body image refreshing and amazing.
      I have a thing for a guy. I haven't made a move on said guy, being too chicken. Today I came to the realization it is because I am not comfortable with my looks lately. I've moved from an environment in which it was acceptable and expected to be in heels and dresses almost every time I went out to extreme Hippyville. Here beards and plaids are the norm (and that's just for the ladies). I told my roommate that I haven't quite adjusted my standards yet and as a result I wasn't feeling confident in my allure. I couldn't pursue someone and expect them to find me attractive, since I didn't even find myself attractive. I thought this was perfectly reasonable. My roommate told me it was shallow and vain.
     At first I was righteously indignant. It's neither shallow nor vain to take pride in your appearance. In fact, I decided to get a jump start on my resolution and take this week to work on my fitness. I sat down ready to read some inspirational fitness online. While perusing the current news I came across an interview with Jennifer Lawrence. In it, she goes on at length about body image and how mad it makes her the way we put down women's bodies as a society. It infuriates her that we focus so much on appearances. By the end of the article, I realized it was true. No matter how much I have to offer I was still too hung up on my own view of beauty. But it dawned on me, it wasn't my opinion of beauty, it was society's.
         So I am going to work on it. I know logically I bring other things to the table than walking pretty in high heels. I just need to remind myself. I still am going to work on my overall healthiness and get in better shape, but I am going to do it for me. And hey, maybe this was the push I needed to man up and finally make a move on the guy...(Since J.Law isn't returning my calls ;) )

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the Ex Files

     There are so many things I could say about my exes. Good things, bad things, so many things. Yet it still freaked me out recently when I was on a first date and the guy asked about my ex. Straight up. Within the first twenty minutes. I really don't like thinking about what an idiot I was to date him and I don't want to discuss it. Certainly not with a virtual stranger.
         I get that past relationships are a big part of shaping who you are today. But that doesn't men your boyfriend needs to hear about them all in vivid detail. He really doesn't care. And no matter what, you come off looking bad. If you bad mouth your ex, he wonders why you stayed with such a dick. And why would you go from that asshole to him? Do you think they are similar? Or are YOU the crazy one in this situation just telling the story to suit yourself? Or if you have good things to say about him, why did you even break up? Do you still want to be together? Is it a real life version of that stupid Hinder song? Just save yourself the trouble and only bring up your ex if directly asked about it and don't lie, but don't get crazy with detail. He cheated on you? Okay to share. You don't necessarily need to get into the when, where, with who and what they were wearing at the time.
     And return the favor. Don't probe into your guy's girlfriends of the past. If he wants to tell you, he will. I can tell you about most of my exes previous relationships and I've never not once asked about it. Mostly, because I am secure in the fact that if they still wanted to be together they would be, but also just because I know how annoying it is to be probed about things that are better left in the past...
     But most importantly, don't trash your guys ex. Don't use it as a way to try to bond with his friends  or family and certainly don't do it to him. It just makes you come off as insecure and desperate. They broke up for a reason, just like he is with you for a reason. Trying to make yourself look better by hating on her is really just calling his taste into question. And after all that same taste led him to you.
     So yes, your exes suck. A song might come on or a movie might remind you. But don't trash them to your guy, that's what you have girlfriends for..

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the Holiday Season

    It's that time of year again. The most wonderful time of the year, a season of giving, a time to be grateful for your family and loved ones. But it's also that time of the year when people act like idiots. The holidays are so built up in our society and come with all these pressures.
    Ladies tend to be nurturing creatures. So it's natural to want to shower your boyfriend/crush/object of your stalking with holiday gifts. Because naturally getting them the amazing thing they've been wanting forever is the way to their heart, right? Wrong! While yes, they will most likely love the gift you spent three paychecks on, that doesn't necessarily translate into love for YOU. A few Christmases ago a good friend of mine splurged and bought his semi new girlfriend an expensive necklace. But honestly, I think it kind of just freaked her out. An expensive gift goes one of two ways and instilling fear is one of them. If it was Christmas Day and your guy opened the brand new, pricey sports jersey he's been craving and turns around and gives you a bubble bath set, it doesn't exactly set things on an even keel. It also gets them to thinking you may be a lot more serious about the relationship  than they are. It's panic inspiring. Save yourself the trouble and go out, buy his favorite mid priced booze and a couple of manly shot glasses. Bam. Done. Maybe throw some beef jerky in the bag if you are feeling really classy.
       Holidays are also about family and depending on how long you have been with your squeeze it may be the first time meeting his family or extended family. Unless you are dating a heartless serial killer, you are probably going to want to make a good impression on his family. But so many gals go about this the complete wrong way. Do NOT pretend to be instant best friends with his mom/grandma/sisters. Lady relatives are shrewd. And yes they ARE going to be sizing you up. So don't be fake. If you have an interest in his sister's job, go ahead and ask her about it. But don't spew effusive praise about how AWESOME it/she is. That's just annoying. Go ahead and ask his mom if she needs help in the kitchen, but don't just make yourself at home. It's NOT your home. It should go without saying, but do not get drunk at his family holiday party. It doesn't matter if they are all toasted, it doesn't matter if you think you can hold your liquor. Do not do it. His nana doesn't need to hear your drunken recollections and she certainly doesn't want to have to hold your hair back while you puke. (But she probably would, nanas are like that) Limit yourself to one. If anyone asks, just say you are driving.  The biggest meet the family rule is to be yourself. Don't try to conform yourself  to what you think his family is looking for. My friend pretended to be super domestic for her boyfriend's   super traditional mother and got a cookbook for her troubles. This is the girl who burns grilled cheese. Don't pretend you want tons of kids just because she yearns for grandkids or that you can cook just because she doubles as Betty Crocker. Can't cook? Bring a bottle of wine. It's the thought that counts.
      And if this seems like too much effort to put in, just do what Jamie Foxx does in Valentine's Day. Just shut your game down between Halloween and St. Patrick's Day. One less person to gift for...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the Friend Zone

       Last year I was at a party/small gathering/sausage fest and my friend's roommate had a girl over, thus keeping me from being the lone female. It was a pretty typical evening and as usual my guy friends were giving me plenty of shit. (It's how I know they love me ;) ) Suddenly, girl-whose-name-I -don't-remember-because-after-this-she-completely-disappeared-from-my-life (I say this lovingly and gratefully, it's these slutty one night stands of my friends that give me something to blog about) whipped around with a fury. She looked at me and said " Do NOT let them talk to you like that!" I was baffled. Like what? Yeah they were being vulgar and rude, but hey, that's also exactly how they talk to each other. I wasn't a girlfriend or a new romantic interest for them to be polite to. To most of them, I'm just one of the dudes. And that's how I prefer it.
        This does however come back to bite me in the ass all the time. I meet a new guy, he's fabulous and inevitably I get friend zoned. Why? Because I act like just one of the guys. (Which isn't exactly a turn on) But that is my default setting. So we meet, we hang out and they get comfortable. Pretty soon I can tell you their whole romantic--and not so romantic- history, including all the gross things no potential girlfriend should ever hear about.
        It's a catch 22 really, because at the end I add to my friend pool with pretty awesome guys, but my dating pool is now one of those little baby bath tub things. For me, I would rather have friends anyway, but for all you girls out there with lots of brothers or male friends, THIS IS EXACTLY HOW YOU get friend zoned. He doesn't want to snuggle with his best dude friend and keep it up with the potty mouth and that's exactly how he will see you. Especially if you have little breasts...

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Dick

         Every once in a great while, a rare occurrence happens. Even more rare than Hayley's Comet or zombie attacks. Every once in a great while I... am attracted to someone who is not attracted back. Shocking, I know, but it DOES happen to everyone, even my glorious self. This past year I became good friends with someone and decided I wanted to take that friendship in to the relationship station. I hopped right on that train. And he...did not.
        Cue sad pathetic girls' nights trashing men. Ice cream and tissues flying everywhere, way too much Taylor Swift on the playlists and that just from the roommates who had to deal with me ;) But in girl world friends rally and do all they can to console you. Suddenly you are all ganging up on this guy and he becomes the worst guy EVER. He's a jerk, he's an ass, you're too good for him anyway.
      But wait. What did this guy ACTUALLY do wrong? He is your friend, spends time with you usually doing something YOU like, answers your calls and texts and is generally just a great person. Not wanting to get naked with you isn't a character flaw. Remember, just because he HAS a dick, doesn't mean he IS one...
     

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About the O Word

       I went out with someone recently and we decided to go out to eat afterwards. He asked where I wanted to go eat and I said I didn't care. I wasn't trying to be easygoing or cute, I have  only lived here about a month. Thus I've been to two places to eat, Panera and Olive Garden. It's not that I didn't have an opinion, I just didn't know any other restaurants. I did tell him however, what kind of food I liked and he picked a place based on that.
Normal, healthy people don't want to date a doormat. (I have clarify that, because I am sure there are control freaks who would LOVE to date a doormat) Have an opinion. Nobody wants to make all the decisions all the time. It's not being agreeable, it's just annoying. If someone is asking your opinion it is because THEY WANT IT. Don't be worried they are going to get stuck doing something you love and they hate. They are more than welcome to express their opinion too.
       There is no point in going to do something with someone if you have to make all the choices. At that point, they will probably just stop asking you to come too.

Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Racing to the Finish Line

I am getting older. It is sad but true. The vast majority of my friends are settling down, getting married or having kids. Do I want kids? Absolutely. Do I want a husband? Sometimes haha. But that doesn't mean I need to go out tonight and rope some poor sap into saying "I do".
     In our society today everything is a competition to see how many items on your check list you can get to before someone else. But do really want to spend the rest of your life with someone because they came into it at a time when you are feeling desperate? If someone treats you poorly now, do you really think that is going to improve over time? Don't put up with a shit relationship just because you feel like you should be at a certain point in your life. If you are "settling" now try spending twenty years with that person.
My friend who has been married since we were 18 has a pretty awesome life. She has two beautiful kids, a great house and a loving husband. But that doesnt make my life being single and traveling the world less amazing. Just a different kind of awesome.