Semi recently two friends of mine started hooking up. He had been my friend longer and I knew him pretty well. I knew he wasn't looking for anything serious and that she was. When I expressed these concerns to her, she brushed me aside and hopped into the sack with him. She was hoping for a long term relationship to build from the sex. Needless to say, it did not. It in fact ended in devastation when she realized I was right all along.
My best friend was recently telling me about her coworker who lost her virginity to her ex boyfriend and tried to build a lasting relationship with him built on that. She even tried to convert him to her religion. Obviously, they didn't last either.
Ladies, please take note. Your vagina does not have magical powers. It cannot make someone love you. They may love what you can do with it, but that doesn't mean they love the person that comes along with the vagina. Using sex to build a relationship or to try to get what you want out of one is wrong. Sleeping with someone shouldn't be used as a bargaining chip or to manipulate.
Every female out there is equipped with lady business. He could go out and find any single one of them to use for sex. He should want to be with you for who you are, not for sleeping with him. Giving it up isn't going to lead to him giving you a ring.
Guys want to be with you for what's in your mind, not what's between your legs. There's a difference between being WITH you and occasionally being IN you. Don't try to lure him in with your vajay. It's not magic and it's not a bear trap. It isn't that special gals. We all have one...
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Being Mindy
I feel like we all have a list of celebrities that we want to be our best friend. (Mine includes James Franco, along with the vain hope that we become the kind of friends who change in front of each other) I think I over-identify with Jennifer Lawrence and truly want to be her best friend. However I feel like Jennifer Lawrence is more akin to the me at 22. I think the real celebrity me is Mindy Kaling.
I'm gonna be straight up with you. I love me some Mindy Kaling. If you have no idea who she is, google her. She's hilarious. [If you haven't read her book go do so now. Seriously. Why are you still reading this blog? Go buy her book! (Oh the bookstores are closed? That's why you should have a Kindle, you asshole. For book emergencies)] I adore her show. Like actually love it.
Now I know she's not everyone's cup of tea, but here is why she should be. First off, she writes her show and produces it. Yes that means she is crazy talented but it also means she writes her shitshow character. Yes she's a doctor, but literally nothing else about her life is together. She wears pajamas to work, she is a tad overweight, she is crazed in relationships and she is so messy that she didn't immediately realize she had been robbed. We have all been there. (I mean, who doesn't occasionally wake up confused in a bed with cookie dough and hot sauce as bed mates?)
Nowadays my life is filled with constant freaking perky updates about how perfect all my social media friends' lives are. There are pictures of cute little babies and handsome husbands and life fulfilling careers. It was only very recently that I stopped bribing housekeepers for tables and bartenders for cups so I could get drunk playing beer pong with one dollar smirnoffs. And while I would like to tell you I went from avoiding life by sailing around the world to being a responsible grown adult, that would be a lie. And then lucky for me another post crops up detailing Jr's amazing feat, Mom's flawless meal she whipped up between saving a life in surgery and Dad looking smoking hot in his lawyer suit. Don't get me wrong friends, I'm glad you are all doing so well. But seriously, stop posting about it.
Nobody ever posts that they got dumped and went a little slutty and had a goal of sleeping with a guy from every continent. But I'm sure they do. People are constantly doing stupid things right? I can't be the only one without my life together. Luckily I have Mindy Kaling in my life to remind me that I'm not. Even if she is a super rich celebrity...
I'm gonna be straight up with you. I love me some Mindy Kaling. If you have no idea who she is, google her. She's hilarious. [If you haven't read her book go do so now. Seriously. Why are you still reading this blog? Go buy her book! (Oh the bookstores are closed? That's why you should have a Kindle, you asshole. For book emergencies)] I adore her show. Like actually love it.
Now I know she's not everyone's cup of tea, but here is why she should be. First off, she writes her show and produces it. Yes that means she is crazy talented but it also means she writes her shitshow character. Yes she's a doctor, but literally nothing else about her life is together. She wears pajamas to work, she is a tad overweight, she is crazed in relationships and she is so messy that she didn't immediately realize she had been robbed. We have all been there. (I mean, who doesn't occasionally wake up confused in a bed with cookie dough and hot sauce as bed mates?)
Nowadays my life is filled with constant freaking perky updates about how perfect all my social media friends' lives are. There are pictures of cute little babies and handsome husbands and life fulfilling careers. It was only very recently that I stopped bribing housekeepers for tables and bartenders for cups so I could get drunk playing beer pong with one dollar smirnoffs. And while I would like to tell you I went from avoiding life by sailing around the world to being a responsible grown adult, that would be a lie. And then lucky for me another post crops up detailing Jr's amazing feat, Mom's flawless meal she whipped up between saving a life in surgery and Dad looking smoking hot in his lawyer suit. Don't get me wrong friends, I'm glad you are all doing so well. But seriously, stop posting about it.
Nobody ever posts that they got dumped and went a little slutty and had a goal of sleeping with a guy from every continent. But I'm sure they do. People are constantly doing stupid things right? I can't be the only one without my life together. Luckily I have Mindy Kaling in my life to remind me that I'm not. Even if she is a super rich celebrity...
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Snooping
Ten years ago (this very month!) my best friend and I embarked on a very exciting school trip to DC. We decided that we hadn't paid all that money just to hang out with the same old people from school and so we plopped ourselves at a random breakfast table with students from other places. One of the students was a very cute guy from the good ole Lone Star state. We became friends and stayed in touch even after the trip was over. One day while checking my email I came across one from the Lone Star cutie's girlfriend. She was highly unimpressed by our friendship and had some not very flattering things to say. I wrote back and apologized and explained we were just friends but that if it bothered her I would stop talking to him. She ended up apologizing and we all went on our merry way.
While yes, it was immature of her to snoop through his messages and attack me, she did man up and apologize. And also at this time she was only SIXTEEN. You are allowed to be immature at that age. Fast forward to nowadays and it isn't so acceptable. I woke up this morning to a less than complimentary FB message (my how times have changed!) from a long time friend's girlfriend. I have never met this person but I had heard about her from my friend. In man friendships it is very common to give each other a lot of shit. He gave me some shit about my boyfriends and naturally I had to give him some back about his girlfriend. We both laughed it off, because we know it was all good natured. She apparently read his messages and did not feel it was good natured. She then proceeded to ask me while I stay in contact with "her man". (Side note I actively hate the phrase "my man". He's a person, not a pair of shoes)
So many things are wrong with this entire situation. First of all, don't read other peoples messages. Nothing good can ever come of that. And I am vehemently opposed to the snooping through of your boyfriends'/girlfriends' messages. If you don't trust someone else enough to not creep through their messages then you obviously shouldn't be with them. If for whatever reason you accidentally peruse their messages and come across messages from the opposite gender you are ONLY allowed to be mad if the message contains something like "Thanks for the sex last night!/BJs later today?/You're so much better in bed than so and so". You are NOT allowed to be mad at messages like "I really miss the fast food/junk food in MA" or "I'm happy that you think you're girlfriend is a keeper! You deserve it!"
Then, once you've snooped and discovered something that apparently fills you with rage the next logical thing to do is to talk it out with YOUR BOYFRIEND! Not some girl you have never met before and who did nothing wrong. Why do girls always take it out on other girls? Shouldn't you be angry with the man who betrayed you (not in this scenario, he did nothing wrong. Just in general) instead of a girl who doesn't know you? Then of course in typical girl move, to make yourself feel better you must hurl insults at the other women. Does putting someone else down magically make you feel better? (And in instances of cheating wouldn't that make you feel worse? She's so dumb/ugly/fat/whatever but he still picked her to cheat with) When I first read the messages I felt sad for this gal and tried to comfort her. The nastier she got, the less sympathetic I felt. (She was quick to inform me he called me "one of the guys" to reference how unattractive he found me. If she knew me at all, she would know I consider being one of the guys a compliment.)
The nail in the coffin for me was when she informed me it was MY fault they were fighting. Call me ugly all you want, but this sent me over the edge. Ladies. Exhibiting stalker ish behavior and then causing a fight with your boyfriend is NO ONE'S fault but your own. Did I make you read his messages? No. Did I make you then confront him about it? Nope. Did I log into your Facebook account and send myself hostile messages? Pretty sure that as also you. So I'm gonna place the blame squarely on you here chachi.
I know that jealousy is a natural emotion and we all can't help feeling it. But you CAN help acting on it. When you snoop, it's because you expect to find something. But like they say, people who eavesdrop rarely overhear flattering remarks. Put the phone down ladies and remember you are better than snooping! And if there IS something going on, he's not worth your time anyway!
I know this lovely lady doesn't read my blog but if she did, I would like her to know she cannot be mad I compared her to Snooki and then act like trash. And to my friend, if you are in fact reading this, you asked me to leave you alone for awhile so you could "fix it". Want my advice? You can't fix crazy...
While yes, it was immature of her to snoop through his messages and attack me, she did man up and apologize. And also at this time she was only SIXTEEN. You are allowed to be immature at that age. Fast forward to nowadays and it isn't so acceptable. I woke up this morning to a less than complimentary FB message (my how times have changed!) from a long time friend's girlfriend. I have never met this person but I had heard about her from my friend. In man friendships it is very common to give each other a lot of shit. He gave me some shit about my boyfriends and naturally I had to give him some back about his girlfriend. We both laughed it off, because we know it was all good natured. She apparently read his messages and did not feel it was good natured. She then proceeded to ask me while I stay in contact with "her man". (Side note I actively hate the phrase "my man". He's a person, not a pair of shoes)
So many things are wrong with this entire situation. First of all, don't read other peoples messages. Nothing good can ever come of that. And I am vehemently opposed to the snooping through of your boyfriends'/girlfriends' messages. If you don't trust someone else enough to not creep through their messages then you obviously shouldn't be with them. If for whatever reason you accidentally peruse their messages and come across messages from the opposite gender you are ONLY allowed to be mad if the message contains something like "Thanks for the sex last night!/BJs later today?/You're so much better in bed than so and so". You are NOT allowed to be mad at messages like "I really miss the fast food/junk food in MA" or "I'm happy that you think you're girlfriend is a keeper! You deserve it!"
Then, once you've snooped and discovered something that apparently fills you with rage the next logical thing to do is to talk it out with YOUR BOYFRIEND! Not some girl you have never met before and who did nothing wrong. Why do girls always take it out on other girls? Shouldn't you be angry with the man who betrayed you (not in this scenario, he did nothing wrong. Just in general) instead of a girl who doesn't know you? Then of course in typical girl move, to make yourself feel better you must hurl insults at the other women. Does putting someone else down magically make you feel better? (And in instances of cheating wouldn't that make you feel worse? She's so dumb/ugly/fat/whatever but he still picked her to cheat with) When I first read the messages I felt sad for this gal and tried to comfort her. The nastier she got, the less sympathetic I felt. (She was quick to inform me he called me "one of the guys" to reference how unattractive he found me. If she knew me at all, she would know I consider being one of the guys a compliment.)
The nail in the coffin for me was when she informed me it was MY fault they were fighting. Call me ugly all you want, but this sent me over the edge. Ladies. Exhibiting stalker ish behavior and then causing a fight with your boyfriend is NO ONE'S fault but your own. Did I make you read his messages? No. Did I make you then confront him about it? Nope. Did I log into your Facebook account and send myself hostile messages? Pretty sure that as also you. So I'm gonna place the blame squarely on you here chachi.
I know that jealousy is a natural emotion and we all can't help feeling it. But you CAN help acting on it. When you snoop, it's because you expect to find something. But like they say, people who eavesdrop rarely overhear flattering remarks. Put the phone down ladies and remember you are better than snooping! And if there IS something going on, he's not worth your time anyway!
I know this lovely lady doesn't read my blog but if she did, I would like her to know she cannot be mad I compared her to Snooki and then act like trash. And to my friend, if you are in fact reading this, you asked me to leave you alone for awhile so you could "fix it". Want my advice? You can't fix crazy...
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Cady Heron and Regina George
I always thought I was a mean girl. I will be the first to admit, I like gossip. Not necessarily negative gossip. I just like to know things. To be in the know as kids say these days. (Okay I'm sure no kids say that these days, but they used to!) And as we have previously discussed, I kinda have a serious case of "I think I am better than most people". (Just ask my poor roommate, she has to deal with it) I like to be a good person. I volunteer, I donate to charity, I even bring soup to my sick neighbors occasionally. (Okay on ONE occasion, but it still counts!) I just love me a snarky comment every now and again. But recently I've come to realize the difference in being a good person and a mean girl.
I would like to think that most of you have seen Mean Girls. If not, put down your laptop and go rent it. Then continue on with this post. I had my own Cady Heron moment. That part at the end when she realizes picking on Miss Caroline Kraft's snuggle tooth won't help her win? That was me today.
A few weeks ago I was the Cady Heron at the beginning of the movie. Recently I have found more in common with the plastic version. I had been screwed over by someone and used their callousness as a justification to then screw with them. The only problem with this is, it doesn't actually feel good to treat people poorly. A "friend" of mine is the type of person who needs to put others down to feel better about herself. And unfortunately no one is safe from the blast. When you are screwed over by someone you trust (a la Janis Ian) it is natural to want revenge. What no one tells you is that revenge doesn't magically make your hurt feelings go away. Being mean to my friend didn't make me feel good. It made me feel worse. I had sunk to her level.
At the end of the day you cannot control someone else's behavior or feelings. You CAN control yours. Don't you want to be the type of person who people come to because they care about them, not for underhanded reasons? Don't you want to be the friend who builds people up, rather than tears them down? So go forth and break up your little plastic tiara and spread the pieces to the world. Remember to do good and be nice. After all, Cady got Aaron Samuels in the end.
I would like to think that most of you have seen Mean Girls. If not, put down your laptop and go rent it. Then continue on with this post. I had my own Cady Heron moment. That part at the end when she realizes picking on Miss Caroline Kraft's snuggle tooth won't help her win? That was me today.
A few weeks ago I was the Cady Heron at the beginning of the movie. Recently I have found more in common with the plastic version. I had been screwed over by someone and used their callousness as a justification to then screw with them. The only problem with this is, it doesn't actually feel good to treat people poorly. A "friend" of mine is the type of person who needs to put others down to feel better about herself. And unfortunately no one is safe from the blast. When you are screwed over by someone you trust (a la Janis Ian) it is natural to want revenge. What no one tells you is that revenge doesn't magically make your hurt feelings go away. Being mean to my friend didn't make me feel good. It made me feel worse. I had sunk to her level.
At the end of the day you cannot control someone else's behavior or feelings. You CAN control yours. Don't you want to be the type of person who people come to because they care about them, not for underhanded reasons? Don't you want to be the friend who builds people up, rather than tears them down? So go forth and break up your little plastic tiara and spread the pieces to the world. Remember to do good and be nice. After all, Cady got Aaron Samuels in the end.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Keeping It Real
Recently a friend brought it to my attention that the romantic details I share about my life seem, well a little far-fetched at times. He expressed surprise that so many odd relationship things could happen to one person. So I just wanted to take time to assure everyone, yes my stories are all real. I would like to pretend that I have the imagination to make it up or that I don't have what appears to be the shittiest luck in the man department. But I do.
Some of you read my blog for the laugh. You have your settled lives and adult level maturity and my blog provides levity and gives you a chance to step back from your reality and appreciate what you have. Good for you, you assholes. For the rest of you, the shitshows if you will, you are welcome. Please read and enjoy the fact that you are not alone in being a hot mess. In fact, I am probably more of a hot mess than you. Foreign men, shattered watches and many, many poor decisions are the hallmarks of my relationships.
Remember folks, it could always be worse. You could always be me.
Some of you read my blog for the laugh. You have your settled lives and adult level maturity and my blog provides levity and gives you a chance to step back from your reality and appreciate what you have. Good for you, you assholes. For the rest of you, the shitshows if you will, you are welcome. Please read and enjoy the fact that you are not alone in being a hot mess. In fact, I am probably more of a hot mess than you. Foreign men, shattered watches and many, many poor decisions are the hallmarks of my relationships.
Remember folks, it could always be worse. You could always be me.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Serial Killers
I have a sick obsession with serial killers. I love true crime movies and books. I watch a stupid amount of scary movies for a woman who lived alone for a long time. I sometimes think I should go back to school for an abnormal psych degree and get some sort of job psychoanalyzing these people. There is just one little problem. If some of these sick freaks tried to blame a tough childhood for their violent sprees, I would laugh in their face. And then probably get murdered. So you can see why I hesitate.
Lots of people have tough childhoods. They don't all grow up to be serial killers. (We hope!) Now I get the whole cycle of abuse thing, children of abusers tend to grow up to be abusers themselves etc. But at some point, you need to grow up and stop blaming a shitty childhood for being a shitty adult.
Same goes for relationships. Just because you got cheated on, doesn't mean you can claim some sort of damage that causes you to be a ruthless cheater now. I do get that things happen to undermine your confidence while in a relationship but unless you are still with the person that brought you down, get over it. You cannot start a new relationship with baggage from an old one. You definitely cannot be mad at your new boyfriend about something the old one did. LET IT GO. Whether it is a tough childhood, something you lost at, a crappy relationship. Whatever it is, its time has passed. Move on.
No seriously, let it go.
Lots of people have tough childhoods. They don't all grow up to be serial killers. (We hope!) Now I get the whole cycle of abuse thing, children of abusers tend to grow up to be abusers themselves etc. But at some point, you need to grow up and stop blaming a shitty childhood for being a shitty adult.
Same goes for relationships. Just because you got cheated on, doesn't mean you can claim some sort of damage that causes you to be a ruthless cheater now. I do get that things happen to undermine your confidence while in a relationship but unless you are still with the person that brought you down, get over it. You cannot start a new relationship with baggage from an old one. You definitely cannot be mad at your new boyfriend about something the old one did. LET IT GO. Whether it is a tough childhood, something you lost at, a crappy relationship. Whatever it is, its time has passed. Move on.
No seriously, let it go.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Superman
I semi recently made a friend who has a little brother he lives with. Aforementioned little brother is kind of a hot mess. Yet I really like him. I have this weird urge to be his friend. My friend made a joke about him needing a good influence and I thought "Me! I could be a good influence". But why? Why do I seem to have this Superman complex, where I feel the need to save people?
This is such a common situation among us with the double X chromosome. Women have a habit of falling for a guy they want to "save". Women convince themselves that all these men need is a steady influence and they will stop using/drinking/sucking at life or finally get a job. Flash forward. The sponge is now living off your income and using it to finance his alcohol binges. You cannot change someone who doesn't want to be saved.
Now I don't mean to say that you should refuse to help someone who needs help. But someone who is going through a rough patch and genuinely needs help is different than someone who doesn't see a problem with their shitty lifestyle. You are not an ATM or a parole officer or a psychiatrist (and if you are, do you really want to date your work?). Date someone for the fact that they bring out the best in you, not because it would be what is best for them.
Now I know this is easier said than down. While I have never wanted to date a fixer upper, that doesn't mean I'm not often tempted to swoop in and save the day. I just have to step back and realize I am not a superhero, out to save the world. Even though I do sometimes wear a cape ;)
This is such a common situation among us with the double X chromosome. Women have a habit of falling for a guy they want to "save". Women convince themselves that all these men need is a steady influence and they will stop using/drinking/sucking at life or finally get a job. Flash forward. The sponge is now living off your income and using it to finance his alcohol binges. You cannot change someone who doesn't want to be saved.
Now I don't mean to say that you should refuse to help someone who needs help. But someone who is going through a rough patch and genuinely needs help is different than someone who doesn't see a problem with their shitty lifestyle. You are not an ATM or a parole officer or a psychiatrist (and if you are, do you really want to date your work?). Date someone for the fact that they bring out the best in you, not because it would be what is best for them.
Now I know this is easier said than down. While I have never wanted to date a fixer upper, that doesn't mean I'm not often tempted to swoop in and save the day. I just have to step back and realize I am not a superhero, out to save the world. Even though I do sometimes wear a cape ;)
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