Shit I Wish Girls Knew About Getting Crunk

    When I was a freshman in college, a friend of mine shit her pants. Not a little bit of pee that slipped out while she was laughing. Not a little toot that had an accidental poopsy along with it. Full on, running down her legs, had to throw her pants away, SHIT HERSELF. It started out innocently enough. We all went to a party in the beginning of freshman first semester. Flash forward to her stumbling home and me depositing her in my bed with the guys across the hall standing guard while I tried to find her roommate. I had to drag her into the shower after she vomited in my bed. There we began to smell a foul odor as she was nearly incoherent. We lugged her into the living room and after much debate we decided to strip her down so she wouldn't freeze in her wet clothes. Then, we discovered a mess unlike any other. While the details are not necessary, let's just say the next day my towels were ruined and there was shit on my walls and carpet.
    I know this is an extreme example of girls gone wild. But it is stuff like this that girls never think can happen to them. You are out with the girls at the bar and when the bartender sends over free shots, you take them. (Shout out to you, Jaime from the Philippines and all the free Red-Headed Sluts on Ship'n'Males Nights!) But the problem with this is that most girls severely overestimate their tolerance. Ladies, most of the time you are smaller than men. And I am not saying I don't know a few girls who can drink men under the table. But I know of no men who get sloppy drunk the way women do.
    There are a variety of drunk personas one adapts. There are (but are not limited to)

    -The REALLY REALLY EXCITED Drunk- She is SO SO SO happy you are here tonight. It is going to be a super fun time! Usually squeaks in a high pitched voice all evening and has the piercing giggle to go with it. Less annoying than other drunks, but still can grate on ones nerves.

    -The Slutty Drunk- The hot mess who is not afraid to show you how  happy she is you are here tonight. This could take the form of flashing, slutty stories, girl on girl action, random one night stands or the best possible scenario of really cheering your boyfriend up that night.

    -The Seasick Drunk- This one is easily recognizable by the weaving and unsteady gait. Usually followed by horror movie worthy vomiting. This can be avoided once one spots the warning signs of slurred speech and a glassy gaze.

    -The Emo Drunk- The most depressing person ever. This person's life sucks more than anyone's ever. More than starving African children even. Nothing can compare to the pain and angst they feel on a daily basis. Because you have shared this wonderful bonding experience of drinking together, they are going to drop their life story on you like napalm.

    -The Aggressive Drunk (Also known as Liquid Courage Drunk)- There are two different versions to this gal. One is the shy lady who suddenly emerges out of her cocoon (even though you sometimes wish she would hop back in). Suddenly she is more gregarious and social. The other type of is the "I know I am always right" imbiber, who will challenge you on every single thing you say, merely because they didn't say it first.

    -The Superstar Drunk- This one is actually my personal favorite, as it usually takes the form of public humiliation. These people are just waiting for that moment where they can break free and really shine. These are the William Hungs of bar karaoke or the rejected extras from Step Up 32 (or whatever random sequel they are on). Drunky McDrunkerson KNOWS they are a star, especially after six shots....

    -The Incredibly Mellow Drunk- The range of mellow can start at merely subdued all the way down to catatonic. This person is not going to start fights, embarrass themselves, or generally interact at all.


    Aside from the Mellow Drunk, most of the behaviours when drunk are embarrassing when sober. People need to be aware of their limit of both beer and hard drinks. And be aware of what kind of drunk you are. If three drinks makes you happy and cheerful but anything more than four makes you want to weep gently while singing Adele, know when to cut yourself off. Stop before you embarrass yourself or drag everyone else around you down all night. Nobody wants to be entertaining a puker or crier all night. And remember, just because you can't remember what happened, doesn't mean everyone else forgot. Enjoy the shame.

(PS. When heading out for a night on the down, please remember to wear the proper undergarments, as no one likes a drunk girl vag shot)